Jennifer Abrams - Hard Conversations Unpacked: The Whos, the Whens, and the What-Ifs

The Whos, the Whens, and the What-Ifs

Foreword by

• Douglas Fisher
• and Nancy Frey

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Copyright 2016 by Corwin

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Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Abrams, Jennifer, author.

Title: Hard conversations unpacked: The whos, the whens, and the what-ifs / Jennifer Abrams.

Description: Thousand Oaks, California : Corwin, a SAGE Company, [2016] |

Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2015035328 | ISBN 978-1-5063-0290-4 (pbk.: alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Communication in educationUnited States. | Teachers workshopsUnited States. | Educational leadershipUnited States.

Classification: LCC LB1033.5.A274 2016 | DDC 371.102/2dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015035328

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Simply said, anyone who works in an organization with other people has to learn to have hard conversations. But were not born with this skill. Oh, yes, we can have great conversations, dancing around the point, hoping that the listener will infer our message and make changes. It happens to all of us, and often. Not too long ago, a teacher friend of ours told us about a colleague (lets call her Amanda) who was new to their grade level. Amanda didnt establish or communicate clear learning intentions for her students in her lessons. As a result, Amandas students were not sure what it was they were supposed to learn, much less why they would be learning that, and so they regularly performed below the grade-level average.

We asked our friend what she said to Amanda. Her response: Its not my job to talk with her about this. Thats the principals job. I keep my nose out of it. And therein lines the problem. A common response to problematic situations is avoidance. We dont have honest conversations with our colleagues because we dont think its our job, or because that person might get mad at us, or because were not sure how.

As we processed this situation with our friend, we encouraged her to talk with her colleague about the situation and how to resolve it. We believe that people show up to work to do the best job they know how. Its just that there may be things missing. Our friend decided to have the conversation with Amanda. Heres what we learned: Oh, we had a great conversation. I told her about my planning process. You know, I plan after my kids go to bed. And I showed her some of the tools that I have found that really help me create strong lessons, lessons with a clear purpose. I talked about how much my students like the class and how they perform at least at our grade-level average, if not above. But you know what? She hasnt changed. And why would she? Amanda probably thought she was having a friendly conversation with a peer and was likely not aware of the issue, at least as perceived from the perspective of our friend. Rather than avoid the conversation this time, our friend made inferences but was not direct enough for anything to change.

Thankfully, our friend did not engage an aggressive conversation. These occur when people are very frustrated, often at their wits end. They make threats, demands, and come across as rude and uncaring. Imagine saying to Amada, a hard-working teacher trying to engage her students in meaningful learning, the following: I expect that you have a learning target every day for every lesson. If not, I will start the documentation process to have you removed from the classroom. WOWAmanda will wonder what hit her. Shell likely become defensive, unable to listen to the conversation. Further, this aggressive conversation will not offer Amanda any advice about how to address the concerns that were raised.

Thats not to say that no one engages in behaviors that require that immediate attention, and may result in their termination. But most of the time, if we want people to change their behaviors, we need a different kind of conversation. In the language of Jennifer Abrams, these hard conversations are designed to be humane and growth producing. And this is key, and why we like this book so much. All of us can benefit from learning how to have this type of conversation. Its a type of conversation that is all too rare, unfortunately. But the good news is that it can be learned.

Since reading Hard Conversations Unpacked, we have noticed that the tenets in this book can be applied to conversations with students, colleagues, employees, supervisors, friends, family, and yes, even spouses. We can learn to have conversations that provide others with information about the problem, why its a problem, and what we recommend be done about it. Importantly, these conversations are not monologues; theyre an opportunity to dialogue and reach a better understanding.

In this book, Abrams updates her process for planning a hard conversation. She also provides clear and succinct advice about engaging in hard conversations. Again, our biggest takeaway from her book is the idea that these conversations must be humane and growth producing. She reminds readers that people have to be prepared for these conversations, and offers a tool to help people plan their conversations. Although that seems counter to the idea of a dialogue, we can attest to the fact that it works. Both of us use her tool to plan important conversations and are consistently pleased with the results.