Adam Schwartz - Mum, I Wish I Was Dead: The story of a teenager who conquered depression

B ack to the Beginning

Ive been on an incredible and painful journey. Although it has been difficult and long, Ive ended up exactly where I started from. Nothing has changed, and yet everything feels different.

I still live in the same house I grew up in and which I once despised. I fall asleep every night in the bedroom whose walls and furnishings I used to attack. The room has withstood the repeated destructive onslaughts over those terrible years with little evidence to show for it. The scars have been repaired. The room I cried myself to sleep in on too many nights, the room I was fearful of waking up in, is the same room I now fall quietly to sleep in.

In summer, I sit on the balcony enjoying the sunshine; the very same balcony I imagined throwing myself from. Every day I walk up and down the stairs where I used to see myself lying dead at the bottom of. The streets I walk around the neighbourhood are still as busy with cars but I no longer want to jump in front of them. The drivers pass me by harmlessly as they go about their way and I go about mine. Our lives wont be inextricably linked through some horrible suicide deal in which they become an unwitting player.

I still see the people who knew me at my lowest point. Now when we socialise its to share a laugh and enjoy each others company. The dinner table I sit at with friends and family is the same one I slammed my fists on before storming from the house and spiralling into the abyss. Only now we are sharing a joke and talking excitedly about our plans for the weekend and our busy lives.

Today, I look in the same mirror and smile at the reflection that used to make me cry.

So many people run away and think things will get better if they replace old surroundings with new. You can run away from a bad situation, but when the problem lies within yourself, wherever you go the problem goes with you.

Heres the thing: the world around me is more or less the same. Its me who has changed. I have managed this disease out of existence.

I am still here, yet my world and how I experience it has changed entirely. I know I cant undo the past. I dont want to. Its a part of who I am. But slowly, day-by-day, I am creating a new life, and with it a bank of happy memories. I am now excited and hopeful for my future and the new challenges that lie ahead. A future I never thought possible.

For more information, go to www.adamschwartz.com.au

C ontents

W hy I Wrote this Book

I have wanted to write this book for a very long time

When I first recovered, I was so excited about being happy again that I wanted to share my insights and success with others. I did that through talking with friends, my personal training clients and parents who were concerned about their own kids.

The more I talked, the more people kept asking. As I spoke to doctors and other health professionals, I realised that Id been particularly lucky. You see, the fact is I am a young male who has recovered from depression and is off medication.

Although rates of depression are higher in females than males, the suicide rate in males is significantly higher. Males are more likely to suppress their emotions. They have to toughen up or else get teased for expressing their feelings. And if your feelings are out of whack, then you are trapped trying to deal with them on your own.

Fortunately for me, I have always been comfortable about expressing how I feel and not being ashamed about being open with my emotions. It meant I was able to seek assistance and talk through my problems. Without a doubt, it allowed me to be open to the help that saved my life.

So expressing my emotions not only helped me to be one of those people who succeeds at beating depression, it meant that I could talk about the experience to others who are still stuck in the abyss. Ive been there and Ive done that. I am that guy who has jumped out of the aeroplane and I can tell you what its like.

When I say beaten depression, I mean that I can manage my depression using the many tools I have learned and developed so that depression no longer affects my day-to-day life.

Over the years Ive always been open and happy to share my story. My mother would come to me and say, Someone has heard about you and they are worried about their child. Do you mind speaking to them? I was always more than willing to do so.

The more people I spoke to, the more I realised how many people were suffering with depression even if they did not know it themselves. Suicide rates are unacceptably high. Every year in Australia more than 2500 people die through suicide and the numbers are not decreasing. This is a disease that modern medicine is unable to cure. Suicide is the number one killer of people aged 15 to 44.

According to the World Health Organisation, depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. (The organisation claims that it was the second leading cause of death among 1529 year olds globally in 2012.) Depression is the number one cause of non-fatal disability in Australia and one in seven Australians will suffer with depression in their lifetime.

To me, thats an epidemic. Why arent elections being won based on what politicians plan to do to fix this problem? Is it because the public is unaware of the extent of this misery? Depression not only affects the individual, but it has a direct impact on the family, carers, friends, teachers and anyone coming into contact with them.

In the few short years since I struggled with depression, the resources available to help people have increased, including amazing online assistance that can be accessed for those living in remote areas or simply stuck at home. There are experts who can explain the science of what is happening to you and can give you tools to deal with it.

However, the gaps in the literature are the experiences of young people suffering and their battles and successes in overcoming this debilitating disease. Stories with sad outcomes tend to be highlighted and there are not enough positive experiences shared.

For almost any ailment, there are any number of people ready to share their story. They almost brag about their knee or shoulder surgeries and their success, or are comfortable to tell you what heart medications they are on and talk about their physical health. But they dont talk about their mental health. No one is rushing to let you know theyve been depressed.

But if you are depressed, thats exactly the person you want to hear from. As vital as doctors are for the treatment of mental health, sometimes a person who has lived it can be a more comforting and reassuring voice.

A new mother who has just given birth may consult a large library written by parental experts on how to handle her baby, but she knows the best advice will come from someone who has had their own baby another mother. She wants advice from personal experience, and preferably recent experience.

Well, Im happy to stand up and be a face for mental health. Young people who want to die and feel like it is their only option is not okay. I want to help de-stigmatise depression and give hope to those suffering, as well as help the people around them understand what depression feels like.

Almost everyone suffers under the burden of depression at some stage in their lives, either directly or indirectly, but talking about it is taboo. But this isnt some niche illness that we can afford to keep quiet about.