Lori Holden - The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole

The Open-Hearted Way
to Open Adoption

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC.

Lanham Boulder New York Toronto Plymouth, UK

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available

ISBN 978-1-4422-1738-6 (cloth : alk. paper)ISBN 978-1-4422-1740-9 (electronic)

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

Ive learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart I usually make the right decision.

Carolyn Savage

On September 24, 2009, I gave the greatest gift of my life. It was on that day that I placed my fourth-born child in the arms of his forever mother. In that moment, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and jumped onto a road I thought Id never travel: Would she keep me informed about his life? Would she love him as much as I do? Would he be happy? Questions flooded my mind while fears of tragic outcomes and eventual regrets plagued many of my thoughts. I knew I was doing the right thing for this child. My decision was rooted in love, but placing my baby in the care of another family for the rest of his life required a giant leap of faith. To say that I was scared would be an epic understatement.

If you are a birth parent or expectant parent considering open adoption for your child, Ive stood in your shoes. The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption has been written for you.

Then, on August 11, 2011, I received the greatest gift of my life. When our twin daughters were placed in my arms by their first mother, I embarked on another road Id thought Id never travel, and the questions came again: Am I capable of being the best mother to these two precious girls? Could I bring my A-game to their lives and live up to the expectations of their first mother? How will I honor their first mother throughout their lives? I wanted them to know her and to understand their story. The day I left the hospital with my twin daughters, I was excited and intimidated. I needed to get this right for my girls and their first mother. Another leap of faith, and, again, I was scared.

If you are an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent considering open adoption as a way to build your family, Ive stood in your shoes. And The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption has been written for you, too.

How does one woman find herself in both the shoes of a birth mother and a forever mother in one lifetime? My journey to parenthood has followed a very unique path. It began with the old-fashioned conceptions and births of our first two children. Then, after an eleven-year struggle with secondary infertility, we welcomed our third child into the world after a successful in-vitro fertilization. It wasnt until we headed back to our fertility specialist, in an attempt to use our remaining cryopreserved embryos, that my story took an unexpected turn. My fertility clinic made a mistake, thawing and transferring another couples embryos, leaving me pregnant with a child that wasnt genetically mine. When I learned of the mix-up, only seconds after being told I was pregnant, I made an immediate decision: Id carry this child and reunite him with his rightful parents. It was an easy decision based on the do unto others way I live my life, but that is where the easy part ended and my struggle began. My love for the baby I carried had nothing to do with DNA. I couldnt bear the thought of saying goodbye forever. I needed to know him. I wanted him to know me. As a result, I plunged into a journey much like an open adoption.

Before my pregnancy with the child of another couple, Id never seriously delved into the nuances of open adoption. Of course, during my husbands and my ten years of trying to conceive I had looked into the option. Inevitably my research sessions would end with my dismissing it, intimidated by the formalities of the process. I found the notion of lawyers, contracts, and social workers overwhelming, and I was also frightened of getting my heart broken. The all-too-public failed adoptions that Id seen unfold in the media had made quite an impression. Contributing to my trepidation was the concept of open adoption. Did open mean my child would have an additional mom and dad? The idea of navigating a relationship with another set of parents was something I didnt want to open my heart to... that is, until I became a mother who had to give up her baby. It was then that my circumstances caused a sudden change of heart.

Of course, I didnt technically place my child for adoption. I was thrust into an unprecedented set of circumstances that required me to surrender my baby, and I completely understood the logic of why that had to happen. Unfortunately that logic never fully translated to my heart. My maternal instincts didnt care about genetic technicalities. Like any birth mother, I loved my child the minute I learned he was coming to me, and I wanted the very best for his life. I desired to have an open relationship with his genetic family but was clueless what that would look like.

The concept of an open relationship with my babys genetic parents scared me because of the countless possible pitfalls. I wanted to be part of his life but didnt want to intrude. I struggled with boundaries and fears of crossing them. If I pressed too hard, his family might shut me out. If I didnt press enough, his family might think I didnt care. In fact, I wasnt the only one fretting about the situation. Everyone involved was walking on eggshells, afraid of hurting the other or doing the wrong thing. A road map would have been a welcomed relief.

Two years after giving birth and saying goodbye to my fourth child, the tables of my reproductive life took a 180-degree turn. It was then that I found myself standing in a delivery room waiting for our gestational carrier to give birth to our twin daughters. Jennifer, our carrier, had been through so much with us. We cared deeply for her and were determined to honor her contribution to our daughters lives. I wanted my children to know Jennifer and what she had done for them. I also was well aware that, even though Jennifer had chosen to be our gestational carrier, saying goodbye after delivery would be difficult for her. She loved my daughters and wanted the best for their lives. I felt like it was my duty not only to keep her informed but also to make sure she played a significant forever role. But what would that look like? A road map would have been a welcomed relief here, too.