C.W. Nevius - Crouching Father, Hidden Toddler: A Zen Guide for New Dads

Remember when you used to go to a restaurant, and someones child was fussing and crying, disturbing other diners, and you wondered why in the world the parents didnt do something to take care of the problem?

You know what you should have done in that situation? Gotten their phone number. Because now that you have your own youll be wanting to call them to apologize. It isnt as easy as it looks.

Not that you will have any second thoughts. Having a kid is going to be great. There arent many times in your life when you can point to a moment that changes everything forever. This is one. Almost nothing will be as it was. And those things that remain, well, they are transformed too.

You know how you used to walk past a kids soccer game? Probably held your interest for about thirty seconds, right? What if I told you that in a few years you will likely be on the sideline with your heart pounding, so overwhelmed with emotion you can hardly breathe? Oh, did I mention that the players are just five years old?

You say you dont believe that? Not a problem. Ill give you my phone number. You can call me later to apologize.

This is a book based on real-life experience, but it doesnt pretend to have answers. These entries are more like snapshots of memories. What works for you may not be what worked for us. In fact, if there is any lesson, thats probably it. The varieties of kids, parents, and the interactions between the two seem almost endless.

And yet, theres a bond that we all understand. Think of it as the space between you and your child when you reach out to give her a hug. Somewhere, in that gap, between coming closer and standing alone, is what being a dad is all about.

Now, a word about Zen. We would like to announce that those responsible for this book have spent decades studying the small nuances of the Zen philosophy.

Unfortunately thats not true. The truth is that the author knows a little about Zen, in the same way that he knows a little about hitting a sand wedge and operating a chain saw. In each case he learned these skills for the same reasons: necessity, opportunity, and fear of embarrassment. Fatherhood, like golf and landscaping, is one of those undertakings in which you muck around on your own until you discover some things that work. Most of the time. (Ask my golf partners.)

But there isnt any doubting that the Zen way makes a lot of sense in these confusing early moments of fatherhood. The idea of wu wei, or not pushing and simply letting things happen, rings true. It is a fine concept, and worth striving for. With that in mind I hope that any Zen masters who read this will accept the riffs on the philosophy as they were intendedwith humor and goodwill.

In this book you will find suggestions, hints, and nudges. Hopefully you will catch a few smiles, andif the planets align perfectlya heartwarming moment of insight or two.

You will not find many rules, although weve had lots of them in our house. Unfortunately, as our first child has pointed out repeatedly, the nonnegotiable edicts we imposed on him turned out to less ironclad when we had a second child. When we gave her a ride to school (he had to walk), or let her stay up until ten oclock (his bedtime was earlier when he was her age), he would rage at the unfairness of it all. Hey, what can we say? We were new on the job.

It is also hoped that, although this is a book for dads, moms will find something of value in it too. If nothing else it might be a look into the mysterious workings of the guy mind, a complex, yet oddly primitive, organism.

When the future White House chief of staff arrives at home from the hospital, you may find he snoozes peacefully during the day (leaving you to watch the NBA Greatest Games on cable TV while eating grilled cheese sandwiches), but when night comes, its party time! He wants to be held, bounced, and indulged, and, just when your sleepy eyes cant take any more, there is crying.

This points up an important secret that has never been revealed to the public beforebabies sleep backwards.

This may be the result of nursing staff schedules. At the hospital during the day, things are so busy that the nurses dont have the time to do much more than check to be sure that the baby is safe and warm. But at night, after visiting hours are over, babies may be picked up, cooed at, and maybe even rocked and snuggled.

If you were a baby, what would you do? Rest during the day and save your energy for those disco nights, of course. For this there is only one curesamurai sleep training.

Cold, wet napkins should be touched to the babys cheek and toys rattled when his eyelids start to droop. The idea is to keep him awake as long as possible, hopefully into the evening, when he will crash like a college freshman after midterms.

Be forewarned: for this you may become known as the Meanest Dad in the World. But when the baby begins to sleep most of the night, youll happily accept the title.

How about that baby? Seriously. Incredible, right?

Couldnt you just sit there and watch her scrunch her little face for hours? How about when that tiny hand squeezes your little finger? Is that a miracle of life or what?

So why do you feel an irresistible urge to run out the door? To get in the car and drive somewhere? Anywhere? To go to the office so you could walk over to the coffee machine and ask if anyone saw the game last night?

Admit it. There are moments when, as adorable and wonderful as your baby is, you want to get away. Is there something wrong with you?

Yes. There is. You should seek professional help right away.

Just kidding. Of course not. Youve just got the infant-induced version of cabin fever, known as baby fever. Too confined, too shut in, too many diapers and binkies and jolly little musical bells on the Mr. Jingle play station. You need to step outside and do a little of what the yogis call finding your center. Take a moment, speak to adults in a normal tone of voiceperhaps operate some power tools.

Do it. Youll feel better.