Melissa Shultz - From Mom to Me Again: How I Survived My First Empty-Nest Year and Reinvented the Rest of My Life

Copyright 2016 by Melissa T. Shultz

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The Kids Are All RightBut the Parents Are Not by J. D. Rothman is used by permission.

Portions of this book first appeared in the Huffington Post , Newsweek , and the Washington Post .

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Shultz, Melissa, author.

Title: From mom to me again : how I survived my first empty-nest year and reinvented the rest of my life / Melissa Shultz.

Description: Naperville, Ill. : Sourcebooks, Inc., [2016]

Identifiers: LCCN 2016001340 (pbk. : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Shultz, Melissa. | Empty nesters--United States. | Parents--United States. | Motherhood--United States. | Self-realization in women--United States.

Classification: LCC HQ755.8 .S53265 2016 | DDC 306.8740973--dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016001340

To Nicholas and Alexander,
for making my life important.

THERE ARE FEW WRONG
PATHS IN LIFE. IF YOU
DONT LIKE THE ONE YOURE
ON, TRY ANOTHER.

INTRODUCTION

IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US

You might be surprised to learn that, technically speaking, empty nest syndrome isnt a diagnosis at all, at least not within the medical communityits a feeling . Although many mothers whove just sent their children off to college or out into a post-high school world may experience symptoms of empty nest syndrome, such as grief and loneliness, its not an official thing you will find on, say, an insurance form that lists the many health conditions you might suffer from.

As a member of the parenting community and a recent empty nester, however, I can tell you that empty nest syndrome is totally a thing, and I can diagnose it with my homeschool PhD a mile away.

Empty-nester moms linger in the very coffee shops we once only had time to dash in and out of for caffeine fixes. Of course we talk about our kids, but we spend a lot more time than we used to talking about other thingslike our pets. And we finally clean out the ubiquitous kitchen drawer that went from having a few odds and ends when the kids were born to the one we were afraid to open by the time they leftfearing it would never close again.

Parenting doesnt stop, but it does change. The last time it changed for me was a biggie: I had just taken my youngest son, Nicholas, to college in New York City, halfway across the country. My oldest son, Alexander, was already in school on the opposite coast in Los Angeles, about to begin his junior year. Though my heart was fullafter all, they were both on their way to achieving their dreamsit was also broken. Id been demoted from the best, most fulfilling, most challenging round-the-clock job Id ever had to a lesser, still undefined role in my childrens lives. Its not as if I didnt know it was coming; I just never imagined I could feel this wonderful and horrible at the same time.

If theres one thing Ive learned, its that Im not alone in my dilemma, and neither are you. Everywhere you turn these daysbooks, TV, movies, the Internetthe empty nest looms large. Thats because around three million women become empty nesters every year. Countless blogs are dedicated to the topic of the empty nest. Womens magazines routinely feature stories about reinvention and what to do with your life once the nest is empty, complete with coping tips from celebrity moms, who, it turns out, feel the pain just like the rest of us. Even Madonna is not immune, telling Ellen DeGeneres on her show that when her daughter Lourdes left for college, it was an absolutely devastating experience. She was certain it wouldnt beshe thought her sister who had been through it before was just over-the-top dramatic. And then my daughter left me, and I fell into the deepest depression, she said. The advice from journalists, bloggers, and celebrities runs the gamut from keeping your childs bedroom door closed to getting together with other parents who are going through the same thing. And some of its good, helpful even. But it mostly speaks to what to do after the kids leave.

What about before ? What about the transition to the empty nest? What should we be doing differently so that were ready for the changes that ensue?

Lots, as it turns out. Not only should you help prepare your child for their new life, but you have to prepare yourself too. And I tried. Oh, how I tried. I read articles, consulted the experts, talked to my kids, made plans for how Id fill my time. But as it turned out, it was all easier said than done. Once my house was actually empty, the silence was deafening.

From Mom to Me Again is based on my Huffington Post blog The Pre-Empt Chronicles , where for one year, I wrote about the sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes painful process of letting go of my kids and the life I had known as a mother for twenty-one years.

Through personal storytelling, blogs from my series, and interviews with professionals, Ill show you how to cope with the emotional ups and downs that are part and parcel of the journey, including those related to love, friendship, and marriage. Throughout the book, Ill discuss approaches to the transition that I took as a motherwhat failed, what worked, and whyand insights from other moms who are leading active, full lives. Through storytelling comes encouragement, strength, and the assurance that you are not alone. The result will be part adventure, part self-help, and all for the sisterhoodthe legions of mothers who are looking for the truth.

Most importantly, the book will explore the process of learning to refocus on yourself, apart from your kids.

As you begin the transition to the empty nest, is it better to allow yourself to go through a mourning process or to stay so incredibly busy that you have no time to think or feel? Does staying busy keep the sadness at bay? If you have a career and lots of friends, are you less sad than moms who stay at home and whose social circle revolves mainly around other moms? Does the transition help you grow as an individual? Will it change your relationships with friends and your partner? What about your career goals? These were all questions I found myself asking, and in these pages, I share how I attempted to navigate them with each new empty-nest experience I encountered. To get a better sense of whats normal, I talked to experts and some special guests. I also asked women who write about parenting, reinventing yourself, love, and more, for a variety of media including blogs, television, newspapers, magazines, books, and feature films, to weigh in and share their experiences.