Nicole J. Phillips - The Negativity Remedy: Unlocking More Joy, Less Stress, and Better Relationships Through Kindness

My bestie, Andrea, has commented over the past several years about how kind I am, how easily kindness and compassion seem to come to me. Shes not complimenting me. Shes perplexed. Andrea has known me long enough to have had a front row seat to the transformation kindness has caused in my life. She is the one person (aside from my husband) who knows just how big my inner meanie can beshes been insulted and beaten down by my inner meanie, and yet we remain besties. Therefore, I get it. Andrea has every right to say, What happened here?

I used to drink like a fish. When I wasnt an absolutely hysterical drunk, I had a tendency to get mouthy and, well, mean.

One night I went to a bar without my husband because I was angry with him for traveling so much. Hes a college basketball coach, so of course he travels a lot. I wasnt surprised by it; I was just sick of it. I proceeded to drink so much that when a man tried to lure me into his car, I didnt even realize I was in jeopardy of being abducted. Everything turned out just fine; a girlfriend jumped in before I got hurt. But yes, the memory of that night and what could have happened still haunts me sometimes. And it all started because I handed the car keys to my inner meanie.

Youd think that would have been enough to curb my enthusiasm for rum and cokes, but it wasnt.

About a year later, I was with my husband at a campus bar when I started in on all his little flaws. It began as a joke that only my inner meanie found funny, and it ended in a display of public embarrassment for all involved.

The next morning, I was lying on the carpet of my bedroom floor when my husband walked into our room. He simply and clearly stated, You owe me an apology. I knew I owed him a whole lot more than that. I owed my husband and my children and everyone I loved a whole lot more than that. It was clear that something needed to change.

I never took another drink again.

Stone-cold sober, but high on life, I traded in thoughts about when my next drink was coming for a daily journey with kindness. I stumbled upon the idea of using kindness to retrain my brain, thanks to a girl in fashionable boots, but youll have to wait until chapter 1 to hear about her. Now, dont let me fool you into thinking I just did an act of kindness every time I wanted to have a drink. It wasnt that easy. There were a lot of things my husband and I had to rework in our relationship for me to get healthy. I spent a lot of time in the bathtub learning what it means to relax while he read bedtime stories to our kids. Instead of staying up late laughing and watching TV together, I went to bed at nine oclock or whenever the urge to drink hit hardest. Eventually, I stumbled upon a secret: my drinking wasnt really about outside influences, stress levels, or the way people were treating me. Neither was my overall level of joy. It was about me. It was all determined by the lens through which I chose to see life.

When I got an unexpected bill in the mail, when my husband had to work late, or when my toddler was whinier than usual, my first thought was, I cannot wait to have a drink . I knew that drink would allow me to finally relax. I would be free from the world, because the world was the problem, right? Wrong. The drinking seemed like it was about other people, but it wasnt. It was about me. I had to get to the point where I realized my drinking had nothing to do with external circumstances but instead had everything to do with how I was processing those situations. It was about my inability to see the good around me because I was so set in my ways of looking at everything as a negative. Even if youre not an alcoholic, placing the blame on the world creates a pathway of negativity in our lives. Luckily, there is a remedy. Its kindness. Once we learn to understand and use kindness to our advantage, the game changes. We begin to recognize kindness isnt about other people; its about us. We help someone else when we give them a few dollars or a word of encouragement, but the life we transform with kindness is our own.