Dorothy Littell Greco - Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges, and Joys

C ongratulations on making it to the middle of life while married.

No single narrative could possibly encompass all of our lives. We might be unemployed, launching an encore career, retired, well established in the job of our dreams, or homeschooling young children. Some of us are training for marathons while others are recovering from heart attacks. We might be choosing preschools for our kids, grad schools for ourselves, and assisted living facilities for our parentsall in the same month. Some of us are newlyweds, some are newly remarried, and others are celebrating thirty or even forty years together. And as it pertains to the state of our marriage, we might be hitting our stride or wondering if were going to make it.

Regardless of where we find ourselves, at least two threads connect us.

First, were all facing the limits of our power. We cannot slow down the passing of time or stop the effects of aging. We cant influence the stock market or control how our parents lives will end. These are sobering and often overwhelming realities.

Second, the intense demands and rapidly changing circumstances of midlife force all of us to constantly adjust and adapt. Caregiving responsibilities will decrease in certain areas and increase in others, leaving us off balance and uncertain about whats being asked of us. Seismic shifts in the workplace will force us to be more agile. Spiritual practices that previously helped us to connect with God may begin to feel empty, compelling us to discover new forms of worship.

Yet in the same season, we should begin to experience a sense of satisfaction in all that weve accomplished and a growing clarity about who we are. We may even feel like we could teach a master class on adulting. At least on good days.

None of us will be exempt from the many reverberations of midlife. Ultimately, disequilibrium is a good thing because it forces us out of our comfortable routines and invites us to reinvest in every aspect of our lifeincluding marriage.

My primary goals for this book are threefold: to articulate the hows and whys of the disequilibrium, to assure you that youre not alone, and to offer both encouragement and strategies that will help you thrive in this season. Youll discover a wealth of relevant, practical information in the coming pages, but you wont find clichs or formulas. Instead, Marriage in the Middle will meet you where you are and model vulnerability, promote honesty, and offer grounded hope.

Vulnerability, honesty, and hope are all evident in the interviews that begin and end chapters two through ten. The men and women I spoke with are from diverse ethnic backgrounds, including African American, African Caribbean, Asian, Black, Latina, and Caucasian (these descriptors were chosen by the interviewees). Their words are verbatim, but names and some identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy. My husband, Christopher, also weighs in throughout the book. (He also signed off on everything. Even the painfully honest sections about his family.)

Marriage in the Middle addresses many, but certainly not all, of the issues faced by those of us who are roughly between the ages of forty and sixty-five. Though tomes have been written on trauma and attachment issues, I included a chapter on each, hoping that readers will recognize how these topics may affect their marriages. Questions at the end of each chapter will help you go deeper and serve as conversation starters for couples or small groups.

And if youve read my earlier book, Making Marriage Beautiful, please know that Marriage in the Middle does not repackage that content. However, you will recognize some thematic overlapafter all, I still follow Jesus and Im still married to the same man.

Midlife can often leave us feeling like were out in the middle of the sea in a tiny boat with a single sail. Though we have little power over the frequency or intensity of the storms that rage around us, we do have tremendous agency in how we respond. My prayer is that Marriage in the Middle will inspire and motivate you to do whatever it takes so that you will be able to sail resolutely and joyfully into the final chapter of life.