Eric Grzymkowski - A Year of Living Sinfully: A Self-Serving Guide to Doing Whatever the Hell You Want

Copyright 2012 by F+W Media, Inc.

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To my brother Brian, whose self-indulgent lifestyle provided ample inspiration whenever I ran out of fresh ideas.

After curating an entire years worth of sinful activities, its tempting to pretend I did it all without an ounce of help. That I single-handedly conceptualized, wrote, edited, printed, bound, shipped, and stocked this very book that you are holding in your hands. Alas, I was never a very good liar.

The truth is this book would never have come into existence without the help of some very talented writers and editors. Katie Corcoran Lytle and Peter Archer deftly guided me through the writing process from conception to finished manuscript, and the finished product is far superior thanks to your combined editorial prowess. Without my all-star contributing team of Sarah Gagnon, Scott Lieber, Amy Mortensen, Mary Kathryn Shannon, and Katie Walsh, this compendium would be more of a pamphlet. Their dedication to self-indulgence and hedonism is inspiring.

Creating a book is no simple task, but the editors at Adams Media continue to amaze me with the quality of the finished work that winds up on bookstore shelves. I hope you enjoy reading this one as much as we all enjoyed making it.

Your entire life, youve done all the right things. You studied hard in school, stayed away from drugs and alcohol (for the most part), and spent countless hours volunteering your time and money to charity. Deep inside though, you cant deny the nagging feeling that you might be missing out on something. That the joy you get from all your philanthropy and general do-goodery pales in comparison to all the fun you could have should you choose to walk another path. One thats darker and more sinful. A little more self-indulgent.

Take a look around you. Society doesnt reward Eagle Scouts and those who head up the PTA with anything more than a pat on the back and maybe a free beer at the local watering hole. Instead, the hedonistic rock stars and smarmy politicians receive our endless praise and adoration. So if you want to really break out of your shell youll have to act less like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela and more like Madonna or Charlie Sheen. After all youve done for everyone else, its time you started to think about what really makes you happy for a change.

But transitioning from someone who spends most of the day worrying about other people to someone who focuses on making yourself deliriously happy takes more than just a weekend bender and a pack of unfiltered cigarettes. It takes dedication, patience, perseverance, and, most importantly, timean entire year, to be exact.

In the following pages youll find a comprehensive guide that outlines an entire years worth of lavish, decadent, and sinful activities that, more likely than not, will make you ecstatic with happiness. In just twelve months, youll spend, eat, waste, splurge, and sleep your way to a completely new person. Youll learn what it takes to ignore whats best for the world and focus your attentions on whats best for you, and to hell with the consequences.

Be forewarned though, kicking decorum to the curb and doing what makes you happy is not for everyone. But once you embrace your inner hedonist, you will find that there is no greater joy than doing precisely what you want, whenever you want to do it. But be careful. After tackling an entire years worth of self-indulgent activities, you may uncover a dark, terrifying secret: It feels really good to be really bad.

JANUARY 1

I am convinced that the majority of people would be generous from selfish motives, if they had the opportunity.

C HARLES D UDLEY W ARNER , A MERICAN AUTHOR

On the first glorious day of the year, everybody focuses on ways to improve their lives. For some reason, they strive to achieve this by volunteering more, losing weight, and giving up some of their nasty habits.

Thats ridiculous! Those activities will make your life worse, not better. Instead of striving to save the world, your New Years resolution this year is to focus more on yourself. So, take the money you normally set aside for charities and roll it into your rainy day fund. Living a completely selfish and hedonistic lifestyle isnt cheap after all, and youre going to need plenty of cash to do it right.

While youre at it, cancel any volunteering you have lined up so youll have time to plan your year of debauchery. The local nursing home will just have to find somebody else to pull the bingo balls on Sunday.

Unlike all the resolutions that youve failed to keep, youre going to make this one stick. Just be sure you dont lose sight of whats important. Yourself.

Whenever you are tempted to do something selfless, go to the nearest store and buy something you dont need.

• Gain twenty pounds
• Take up smoking
• Be less punctual

JANUARY 2

Never eat more than you can lift.

M ISS . P IGGY

Theres no denying itfast food makes you fat. Unfortunately, it also happens to be delicious. Fortunately, there is a way to enjoy its wonderful, greasy goodness without all the guilt. Instead of ordering a milkshake, large fries, and a triple-decker bacon cheeseburger, turn your attention to the kids menu. Sure youre decades past adolescence, but deep down youre still a kid.

So pick your favorite fast food option and order it up in kids meal form. The portions are smaller, the taste is the same, and you get a fun toy to play with, too. Bonus points if you play in the indoor playground when youre done.

Do not put the toy in your mouth. Its a choking hazard.

• McDonalds Mighty Kids Meal: Double cheeseburger, fries, chocolate milk
• Wendys Kids Meal: Chicken sandwich, fries, chocolate Frosty
• KFC Kids Meal: Popcorn chicken, potato wedges, string cheese, soda