Lisa Quinn - Lifes Too Short to Fold Fitted Sheets: Your Ultimate Guide to Domestic Liberation

YOUR ULTIMATE GUIDE
TO DOMESTIC LIBERATION

by Lisa Quinn

Copyright 2010 by Lisa Quinn.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Quinn, Lisa, 1967
Lifes too short to fold fitted sheets: your ultimate guide to
domestic liberation / Lisa Quinn.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-8118-7988-0
1. Home economics. 2. Home economicsSocial aspects
3. WomenConduct of lifeHumor. I. Title.

TX145.Q56 2010
640dc22 2009025697

Designed by ANDREW SCHAPIRO
Cover photo by JEFFERY CROSS
Cover illustration by STEPHEN CAMPBELL

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, CA 94107
http://www.chroniclebooks.com

To all the unbalanced mothers.

Weve all been there: You abandon your family and spend the better part of the weekend on a complicated dcor or cooking project, only to find yourself neck-deep in aioli, sequins, and despair. Perhaps the decoupage bubbled, the souffl deflated, the paint splattered onto the carpet, or the hot glue didnt hold. Whatever the reason, you are now experiencing full-blown homemakers remorse: that moment during a project when you have to simply give up and admit that youre in over your head. Have you ever stopped yourself in the middle of one of these household fiascos and asked yourself, What the hell am I doing here? Yeah, me toohundreds of times. The good news is there is hope for us all.

For me, it started innocently enough. Decorating, entertaining, and crafting were ways for me to express myself creatively, hobbies if you will. It was all in good fun; I could stop anytime I wanted. Really. Over time, however, things began to spiral out of control. I got the monkey on my back. I became a domestic diva.

Good wasnt good enough anymore. In my mind, anything worth doing was worth doing impeccably. My home would be the most chic, and my parties would inspire aweeven if it killed me. It took ten long years of this nonsense before I finally stepped back and took a long, hard look at myself and the insanity Id createdall in pursuit of perfection.

My big aha moment came while watching Martha Stewart fashion a cranberry wreath on one of her holiday specials. She hand-sewed something close to 3,500 live cranberries onto a base constructed from sphagnum moss and chicken wire. The finished product was gorgeous; no one could deny its perfection. (Seriously, it was dope.) On a normal day, I would have literally sprinted down to Costco for my own 3,500 cranberries, but for some reason, this time was different. For the first time ever, I looked at Martha, my idol, and thought, This bitch is crazy.

Hello, my name is Lisa Quinn, and I am a recovering Martha Stewart junkie. During my decade-long quest to be exactly like her, I built a career as a Home and Garden Television host, author, and columnist. Housekeeping, decorating, crafting, entertaining, and gardeningI had it covered. I shared this wealth of knowledge to hundreds of thousands of loyal fans each week. Id worked for HGTV, published a decorating book, and even taught Oprah a thing or two about shopping for knockoff upholstery.

But I had a dirty little secret; I was living a lie. Ironically, while I strived to be the perfect picture of domestic bliss at work, I could never quite pull it off in my own home. The daily grind left no time for forcing bulbs, alphabetizing my pantry, scrapbooking, origami napkin folding, or even keeping the house very clean, for that matter. I didnt entertain as much as I liked because I dreaded the effort. Hell, I could barely get dinner on the table for my family three nights a week. I was no domestic diva. Instead, I was an overwhelmed working mother of two, and I felt like a complete fraud. It seems so obvious in hindsight, but it was a huge epiphany to realize that maybe I just didnt have the time (or the desire) to keep up the facade anymore. I couldnt help but suspect that other women out there felt as smothered as I did by the pressure to be perfect.

Because honestly, who out there really wants to spend an entire Saturday constructing crepe paper peonies for the brunch centerpiece? How does coordinating fancy hand towels with molded soaps (which the family is forbidden to touch) make a home a better place to live? Why are we so uptight about appearances?

Recognizing the problem is the first step to recovery. Whether you like it or not, the truth is simple: We dont slave over all this domestic drivel for our families or ourselves; we do it for the other moms. For us, the Mommy Competition is on, and dammit, were going to win.

The media bombards us with images of Supermom: this chic Amazon in Jimmy Choos, a baby in one arm, a frying pan full of money in the other. Honest to God, if I hear the words balance or quick and easy one more time, Im going to hang myself. Nothing in those magazines is ever quick or easy. I have tried balancing my kids with my home, my husband, my career, personal hygiene, a social lifeand let me tell you, (a) the hygiene and social life lose out every time, and (b) I should have received some sort of honorary certificate from Cirque du Soleil for even attempting such a high-wire act. We all should. What if we manic moms stopped obsessing over the unnecessary? What if we realized that our value doesnt depend on what other people think? What if we stopped being control freaks? What if we put down the glue gun and got back to our lives? Why, itd be a revolution, thats what itd be.

After the cranberry and sphagnum moss episode, I decided it was time to make some changes. No longer would I be a slave to unrealistic expectations of modern motherhood. I would start slacking off, and be proud of it. Instead of constantly overachieving, I would figure out the very least I could do to get by without sacrificing style. This new way of thinking led me to discover shortcuts and cheats to pull off the life I wanted, without all the hard labor.

And thats exactly what I aim to share with you. In this book, youll find an assortment of domestic shortcuts, rationalizations, cheats, compromises, inspiration, contradictions, and confessions to help manic moms everywhere get through the day. Its for women like me who want to entertain and to have the nice house, the clean kids, the decent meal, but dont want to kill themselves in the process.

Its my assertion that the real key to happiness is getting rid of your inner control freak, redefining whats real and important in your life, and then lowering your standards for everything else. Well begin by discussing perfectionism and how unrealistic expectations negatively affect you and those around you.

Once weve set the bar a little lower, well move on to the half-assed homemaking basics: How to give your home the illusion of cleanliness and sensibly chic home dcor, and when to just break down and hire a professional. And, finally, dont be the hostess with the most stress: Ive included tips for practically effortless entertaining.

I kept it short, because I know youre busy. Perfection is overrated. Live a little.

When did life become so complicated? Were our moms this overwhelmed all the time? Were our grandmothers? We overschedule ourselves, and then overschedule our kids so they can keep up. We have too many choices: stay at home or go to work, paint or wallpaper, private or public, red or white, organic or poisonous? Who really knows?