Alyssa Joy Bethke - Satisfied: Finding Hope, Joy, and Contentment Right Where You Are

Copyright 2021 by Alyssa Bethke

Cover design by Laura Klynstra. Cover photographs by Jefferson Bethke (front) and Jenna Strubhar Photography (back).

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Worthy

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First Edition: May 2021

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Vegetable garden photograph by iStock | SbytovaMN.

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All other photographs are by Jenna Strubhar Photography.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version , ESV . Copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. | Scripture quotations marked ( NIV ) New International Version , NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc. | Scripture quotations marked ( NLT ) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. | Scripture quotations marked ( MSG ) are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBNs: 978-1-5460-3404-9 (hardcover); 978-1-5460-3406-3 (ebook)

E3-20210424-JV-NF-ORI

How lovely is your dwelling place,

O L ORD of hosts!

My soul longs, yes, faints

for the courts of the L ORD ;

my heart and flesh sing for joy

to the living God.

PSALM 84:12

I looked around the circle of women who had gathered on my patio this early morning. With candlelight dancing around, I noticed some looked ready for the day, while others literally rolled out of bed. (A couple of my friends later admitted to sleeping in their bras so they wouldnt even have to dress in the morning. Yes, girl! ) I was honestly surprised they all showed up. After all, it was only 6 a.m. and many had babies who had probably kept them up all night, and I wasnt serving coffee or muffins. But here they were, ready to pray.

With the timer on my phone set for an hour, we prayed and cried and repented and gave thanks and worshipped and breathed and shared silence and uplifted each other. It was one of the most beautiful gatherings Ive ever been a part of. Sleepy-eyed and pajama-wearing, we had shown up and the Lord met us on that patio. Not only was it sweet to hear my friends talk with Jesus and hear what was heavy on their hearts, but I heard Jesus calling me to lay down all that I had been grasping at for so long. To release all the pressures, fear, and anxiety. To let go of control and trust his mighty, capable hands. While Ive prayed through those things a lot, there was something about saying it out loud with other women there to hear and pray with me. Tears, mixed with yesterdays mascara, rolled down my cheeks. I was so relieved to hand it all over to God.

Getting to this place wasnt easy, though. Have you ever prayed for a new thinga new job, a baby, a husband, an opportunity, a move, a homeand the Lord said yes and made a way and gave you the very thing youve desired, but then afterward, your life was still hard? You still had challenges, and it wasnt all that you thought it would be. And even if you know its good for your soul or your family, its still not easy. There are still some frustrations about receiving what you wanted, or its still lacking in some way, or it has challenges, or it still leaves you holding on for dear life. It doesnt fully satisfy you. Or it simply wasnt what you were expecting. It didnt meet all your ideals.

I prayed for years that God would bless me with a husband, and he so graciously gave me Jeff. But marriage reveals your true heart, and it is hard work to continually choose the other person and become one. When Jeff and I got married, I quit my job so I could travel with him. Sounds dreamy, right? He was gone all the time back then, and I simply wanted to be with him. It was good for our marriage and we made incredible memories, but with it came a lot of identity issues I had to work through. Those issues were compounded by getting married, then quitting my job, then having a baby, and then trying to figure out where I fit into this new life. I began praying that we could move back to Maui, a place where my soul felt at home and where the Lord had brought me a lot of healing and freedom. And, miraculously, God made a way for us to make that move! But it didnt play out the way I thought it would.

Our main reason for moving to Maui was to be in community with other young families, something that we didnt have in Washington. Since I had lived there previously, I figured finding friendships and community would be easy and was something that would happen quickly. And yet that first year was one of the loneliest I had ever experienced. Jeff was traveling a lot since he had made previous plans before our move, so it took longer to dive into relationships here. But many of my friends I had previously known had moved away, and my time to connect with old friends who remained was more limited because now I had a family. Plus, making new friends as a mom is kinda tricky. (Shoot, making new friends as an adult is hard!) Sometimes it felt like I was dating all over again! I would meet someone at a park, exchange numbers, and then try to plan a playdate. But would we actually connect in the few minutes we had to talk between interruptions and potty breaks? And would our kids get along well with each other?

One day I was sitting in my room while my oldest daughter, Kinsley, took her afternoon nap. Tears ran down my cheeks onto my open Bible. Drop, drop, drop. I felt so lonely and rejected. I know no one was actually rejecting me, but here it was, months after wed moved to Maui, and I still didnt have any friends. Not ones I felt comfortable enough with to call on a whim and hang out with, not ones to really pour my heart out to, not ones to be in my daily life. I had tried multiple times to get together with another mom, but it just didnt seem to be working. I would finally gather up enough courage to text someone, only to have them respond with a sorry, cant today or not respond until much later. Finding mom friends with the same napping schedule was hard during that season. And having dinner with friends was rarer since Jeff was gone a lot. After hearing a friend say she couldnt get together, not out of spite at all, but simply because it didnt work with their schedule, I would go into a deep hole for a week, until I got the courage to ask someone else, most of the time coming up empty-handed again.