Chuck Wisner - The Art of Conscious Conversations

The Art of Conscious Conversations

Copyright 2023 by Chuck Wisner
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First Edition

Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-5230-0326-6

PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-0327-3

IDPF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-0328-0

Digital audio ISBN 978-1-5230-0330-3

2022-1

Book design and production: Happenstance Type-O-Rama Cover design: David Ter-Avanesyan

To my wife, Kata,
for her love, friendship,
and kind heart,
and
Ben and Sam, my sons,
for testing and teaching me
so I could do and be better.
I love you all to pieces!

Part I
STORYTELLING CONVERSATIONS
Your Stories Are Not the Truth

Part II
COLLABORATIVE CONVERSATIONS
Seek to Understand and Absorb Other Perspectives

PART III
CREATIVE CONVERSATIONS
Trust Your Intuition

Part IV
COMMITMENT CONVERSATIONS
Dont Make Promises You Cant Keep

Twenty-five years ago I worked as an associate at a mid-size firm in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where one of the partners was struggling with an alcohol problem. His behavior became increasingly toxic for the firms leadership, our employees, and our clients. As leaders, we were frustrated and stuck in negativity, which magnified the dysfunction. We had no idea how to navigate these troubled waters.

At that time, I was immersed in Stephen Coveys book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I had learned just enough from the book to know that we could no longer avoid the issue. We reached out for help, and after burning through a few ineffective consultants, the universe delivered a gem of a business coach named Linda Reid. Her experience, knowledge, empathy, and fresh eyes allowed her to assess the personal and business dynamics at our firm. She introduced us to practical tools that gave us new insights and skills for managing the situation. We hit some rough patches, but eventually we made changes by having more conscious conversations and agreed on how to move forward.

I was captivated by Lindas work. I wondered, How did she do that? What does she know that I dont? Other than Coveys book, I had no formal training in management or leadership, so her work seemed magical. I was humbled, inspired, and insatiably thirsty to learn more.

My long-held interests in philosophy, psychology, and spirituality aligned with what I learned from Linda. Inspired, and after four years of re-education and retooling, I began a new career in leadership, advising and coaching, focused on the power of language and conversations. I hope that, in these pages, Ive bottled some of the magic that Linda and other teachers taught me and that I have cultivated over the last thirty years. It is now my privilege to share it with you and welcome you to the path of Conscious Conversationsa lifelong journey.

A bend in the road is not the end of the road....
Unless you fail to make the turn.

HELEN KELLER

As a young architect, I had a front-row seat for many conflicts in the building industry. The arguments were ubiquitous: architects versus engineers, engineers versus contractors, neighbors versus developers, and town officials versus owners. Given the big egos, the hardened positions, and the high stakes, it probably shouldnt have been surprising that so many of those conversations didnt go well.

One cold and snowy winter morning in a dank unfinished first-floor space, the construction project manager, a colleague named Seth, and I were facilitating a meeting to discuss the schedule and the monthly spend for the multimillion-dollar project. The buildings owner ordered his representative, Kevin, to kick some ass in the meeting, making it clear that he didnt trust the contractor. Joe, the owner of the construction company, and his son were no fans of the owner or Kevin. Before the meeting, Seth and I accessed the dollar request and the budget. We planned to update the schedule and approve 80 percent of the payment request. During the meeting, Kevin kept interjecting, pushing for more concessions. He argued that the lack of progress meant that the $150,000 requisition wasnt earned. Joe and his son were furious. Without the full payment, they couldnt pay their subcontractors, and the project would come to a screeching halt.

Joe accused Kevin of being his bosss lackey, and Kevin told Joe that he and his son were incompetent. Emotions heated up and before Seth and I could cool things down, Joes son leaped across the table and attacked Kevin. Seth and I managed to break up the fight, then we told Joe and his son to leave the site. After I got back to the office and calmed down, I started thinking about the insanity of the meeting. That room had been full of smart people with a common goal, yet they had still come to blows. Each person in the meeting had good intentions, but they also came with their own agendas, concerns, and rationales.

We have all experienced discouraging and stressful interactions like this one. Some are less dramatic, but others are completely chaotic. Its usually easy to walk away and hope to avoid these situations in the future, but that doesnt help us do better next time.

The Art of Conscious Conversations is an attempt to detangle the confusing web of daily conversations. Over time, as I worked with my clients using the concepts in this book, I often heard them say, Why didnt I learn these concepts in elementary school? Life would have been much easier. Or, This is hard work but it will definitely make me a better leader. Or, Ive never really paid attention to how judgmental I am.