Infinite Ideas - Divorce: Your Route Through the Financial and Emotional Maze

7. Take a walk on the childs side

Dont let your kids feel your function after divorce is little more than providing a McDonalds Happy Meal and a Sunday trip to the zoo. See things from a pint-sized point of view.

The term weekend parent is one we are becoming all too familiar with and one rife with negative connotations. But with one in four children due to experience the divorce of their parents before their sixteenth birthday, there has to be a way to soothe the sting of separation for our children.

THE CHILD HAS TO WIN

Theres no reason that a weekend parent has to become a weakened parent. Just because the bond between you and your partner as husband and wife has been broken, it doesnt necessarily mean the bond between you and your child will break as well.

If divorce is inevitable, be honest with your kids. A friend of mine was terrified about telling her children about the divorce. She put it off for weeks until she had to attend court and couldnt hide the facts any longer. When she finally sat down to tell her ten- and thirteen-year-old, the last thing she expected was for her children to look solemnly at her and say, Dad moved out weeks ago, so we knew you were getting divorced. It happens all the time at school. But Mum, it would have been better if you told us so we didnt have to guess. Children are not stupid and deserve the truth. Telling them simply and reassuring them of your love will remove any unnecessary fears of the unknown.

Children are remarkably flexible and their love can stretch to encompass many a bizarre family situation. I have a friend whose child has three dads. Bio-Dad (his biological parent), Ben-Dad (his mothers first husband), and My-Dad (her second husband, who has formally adopted him). My friends son is now a well-adjusted seventeen-year-old. In his words, I know my familys a bit weird, but then being normal can be a bit boring. In my opinion Im lucky to have three Dads. Its a lot better than having no Dad at all.

Of course children are always emotionally and practically affected by divorce, and there is never a good or bad age for your child to go through it. In fact, more psychological damage can be caused by the staying for the kids approach. The family atmosphere can become bitter and stale, arguments can become the staple of communication and the child can ultimately feel to blame.

But divorce at any age will challenge your childs sense of stability and security and its important to reassert some form of normality. A good way to do this is to quickly instigate a routine, as this will give a reliable pattern to your childs life. Knowing that they always have maths on a Monday morning at school might not be much fun, but it is a reality that doesnt change. And with that reality comes stability and a sense of place.

Repetition is also a handy tool to creating stability. Your child needs to learn about the new way the family will work and repetition is a key tool to effective learning. Constantly repeating yourself may require a lot of patience, especially at a time thats obviously very difficult for you, but it will pay off in the end. You may have to repeat the same answers to the same questions until you want to scream, but it will reassure and comfort your child. For instance, questions such as Why did you have to leave Dad? may need to be answered hundreds of times before it makes sense to your child. Repetition of words and actions forms the basis of all reassurance and routine and is essential in repairing any damage done by divorce.

The key is to be constantly aware of your childs state of mind and behavioural patterns. Notify your childs school and discuss the situation with the parents of your childs best friend. The upside of rising divorce statistics means its likely that your child will have a friend at school who has gone through the same thing. Teachers are aware of the traumas a child of divorce will face and can respond accordingly; many schools also have on-site counsellors for emotional support. Your child will need a support network in a similar way that you will. Friends, family, and teachers can all help to provide stability and support at a time when you may find it difficult to do so.

Divorce is never going to be easy for any family, but with the implementation of some practical ideas, it can become a useful rite of passage for your child rather than simply a passage to depression and despair.

How did it go?

Q How can I convince my child that the divorce is not her fault?

A This is a normal response from a child. Its her way of making sense of the situation. You need to provide her with another way to do this. Explain honestly about what caused your marriage break-up. If possible enlist the help of your ex to reassure your child that she was not to blame.

Q How can I stop my son from telling everyone that his father and I will eventually get back together?

A Explain again to him that a divorce is final. It means that you and your ex are separated by law and will not live together again. Check that your ex isnt giving your son another version of the story. If he is saying the same as you and your son still has a problem in accepting the separation, then it may be a good idea for him to talk to a counsellor.

Heres an idea for you

Make sure that your child knows they will always see the parent who is leaving on a regular basis. That may be every weekend or every day, but make sure, for the first few months at least, this doesnt change. Even if your child has unlimited access to you or your ex, its still important to keep a routine involved.

Defining idea

The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.

Contemporary Truism

8. Boiling point on the sea of love

Affairs? Betrayal? Boredom? Youve reached boiling point. Maybe its a slow move towards separation, or a complete shock that your marriage is bubbling over. Take a look at precisely why your marriage might be melting.

We all claim we know that marriage wont always be easy. But are we ever really prepared for some of the storms that well encounter on the sea of love? Probably not.

SAILING THE STORMY SEA OF LOVE

When we say well be together no matter what, we tend to be in the first bloom of love, or at the very start of our married lives together. We feel that our love is strong enough to weather any storm and well work through any situation together.

But every boat, from a little dinghy to a supertanker, needs constant maintenance, fuel and care to save it from sinking, as well as realistic expectations about its durability. Even the most beautiful, powerful, unsinkable cruise ship in the world went down after its first bump, didnt it? Maybe suggesting the iceberg that sank the Titanic was a bit of a bump is a slight understatement, but you get the point. Awareness, forethought and constant monitoring of whats up ahead is key to saving your marriage from following the Titanic down into the depths.

Many people have asked, What if the ships designers hadnt been so cocky about the unsinkable nature of their ship? What if theyd placed more life-boats on board? What if theyd had a better look out system than a tiny man in a little crows nest in a lot of fog? But then life is full of what ifs?, and the same is true of marriage. If you are considering divorce, then the reality is that your marriage is sailing very precariously on a stormy sea. Its time to check if you can stop it sinking before you swim solo for the shore.