Jeanne Fleming - Isnt It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?: Dealing with All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends — from Serial Borrowers to Serious Cheapskates

Note to Readers: Names of and identifying details about the people who told the authors their stories have been changed, as have the names of and identifying details about the people in these stories.

Free Press
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Copyright 2008 by Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz

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First Free Press hardcover edition January 2008

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Some material in this book was previously published in articles by the authors that appeared in their Do the Right Thing column in Money Magazine and/or on the CNNMoney.com website. 2004-2007 Time Inc.

Manufactured in the United States of America

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Fleming, Jeanne. Isnt it their turn to pick up the check?: dealing with all of the trickiest money problems between family and friendsfrom serial borrowers to serious cheapskates / Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz.

p. cm.

1. MoneySocial aspects. 2. Interpersonal relationsEconomic aspects. 3. FamilyEconomic aspects. 4. Inheritance and successionSocial aspects. 5. MoneyPsychological aspects. I. Schwarz, Leonard. II. Title. III. Title: Money problems between family and friends.

HG221.F63 2008

332.024dc22 2007023458

ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-4200-1

ISBN-10:1-4165-4200-0

eISBN-13: 978-1-4165-8789-7

Chapter One
Ill Take the Flu

WHICH WOULD YOU rather have: a relative ask you for a large loan, or a bad case of the flu?

We asked this question of eight hundred people in a national survey, and you can probably guess what over two-thirds of them said: Ill take the flu.

This book is about what to do when you cant choose the flu.

Consider it a handbook for the awkward moments and uncomfortable situations that the intersection of money and personal relationships so often gives rise to. Its about dealing with the brother-in-law you havent heard from since you lent him money and the nephew who always has his hand out, about friends who never pick up a check and neighbors who always need your car.

Of course, not every money-and-relationships problem is created by a mooch, freeloader, deadbeat, or other ethically challenged individual. An elderly parents ill-conceived will can turn even the closest brother and sister against one another. Disparities in wealth can create trying moments for the best of friends. And differences in perspective or expectation can lead honorable people to fiercely disagree about the ethical way to respond to a difficult situation.

Once upon a time it was sex that people felt uncomfortable discussing, but today its money. Not Warren Buffetts money, or the money your neighbor got for his home, or the money it cost to take your kids to a ball game. Its the money problems you experience with friends and familyproblems you hate to mention for fear of sounding judgmental or just plain small, problems youre slow to raise because you think a confrontation could be in the cards. Its the forty bucks that your friend borrowed the last time you went out and that shes never offered to repay. Its your cheapskate brother showing up for Thanksgiving dinner with a single bottle of six-dollar wine. And its the additional money you worry your friends think you should have spent on their wedding present, even though you feel youve spent more than enough.

With his research, Alfred Kinsey revealed how utterly commonplace so many sexual practices and worries were to a world in which they were never discussed. Were no Kinsey, but we have conducted a couple of surveys in unplowed fields ourselvesone for Money Magazine and one exclusively for this book. Together, they illuminate how ubiquitous moochers, deadbeats, cheapskates, and their like are and document just how much trouble these folks cause. Where Kinsey determined the percentage of Americans who said they engaged in extramarital sex, we can tell you how many people say theyve got a freeloader in their family. And being, we admit, more judgmental than Kinsey, were prepared to tell you what to do about the bum.

But what if the money-and-relationship problem keeping you awake at night isnt the fault of the greedy or the selfish? What if the sticky situation youre facing originates from a will; from a misunderstanding over a loan; or from a promise, made with the best of intentions, that now appears impossible to keep? Again, we have research that reveals the prevalence of the problem youre facing. And again, were prepared to help you solve itto tell you how to deal with the mess created by that will, loan, or promise.

For the record, we are for honesty, generosity, kindness, and respect. But we are also for speaking up, drawing lines, and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. We believe there is nothing wrong with caring about money and everything wrong with pretending not to care about moneyespecially when its other peoples.

Reading our book wont make your nephew who wants your money and your neighbor who wants your car disappear. But what it will do is give you enough ammunitionenough moral supportso that, when money-and-relationship troubles darken your door, you wont feel like youd rather have the flu.

Chapter Two
Take My Relatives, Please!

George Burns

WE HAVENT COME across any research to this effect, but wed be willing to bet that, when Neanderthals roamed Northern Europe, there were always a couple of guys on the hunt who inevitably grabbed the choicest cuts of reindeer and acted as if they hadnt taken anything special. Wed also bet that each tribe had a guy who was always quick to consume his own berries, then kept asking others if they wanted all of theirs. And finally wed bet that every Neanderthal at some point had to deal with a friend who borrowed his best spear, returned it with the tip chipped, and said What could I do? My son was playing with it, and you know how kids are.

Perhaps a few of these characters got the clubbing they deserved, but their genes most definitely survived. Listen to people today talk about their big family holiday dinner and, no matter how wonderful it was, you still hear about the aunt who went cheap on presents for the kids, the sister who thinks bringing pies exempts her from helping in the kitchen, and the brother-in-law who single-handedly drank all the hosts good Scotcha fifteen-year-old single malt that he would never dream of buying for himself.