Lynne Eisaguirre - We Need to Talk--Tough Conversations With Your Boss: From Promotions to Resignations Tackle Any Topic with Sensitivity and Smarts

Tough Conversations
with Your

Boss

From Promotions to Resignations
Tackle Any Topic with Sensitivity and Smarts.

LYNNE EISAGUIRRE

Copyright 2009 by Lynne Eisaguirre.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be
reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-59869-881-8
ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-881-7
eISBN: 978-1-44052-085-3

Printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Acknowledgments

As I finish this, my fifth book, I realize that teams, not just authors, produce books. I am grateful for my own dream team. Im indebted to my agent, Michael Snell, who came to me with the proposal for this book. Chelsea King at Adams Media created the original concept, and helped me shape and refocus the content, while remaining cheerful and optimisticeverything a writer wants in an editor. Brendan ONeill served as additional and useful support.

On the home front, my hard-working and upbeat assistant, Shannon Duran, typed and proofed endless versions of this book without complaint. Val Moses offered last-minute editing. Im thankful to many clients who trusted me with their personal stories. Their names and identities have been changed in many situations to protect the innocent.

Friends Bill Cahal, Susan Hazaleus, and Val Moses helped shore up my attitude. My fellow villagers, residents of my co-housing community in Golden, Colorado, offered in-the-trenches training on the realities of creating productive conversations and dialogues instead of debates.

My parents, Joe and Wilma Eisaguirre, and siblings, Kim Jones and Lew Eisaguirre, provided moral support and their usual unflagging belief in my abilitiesas well as teaching me much of what I know about difficult conversations! (Thats a joke, guys!)

On the home front, Nancy Fox helped care for my children with devoted attention so that I would have the time and energy to work. John Evans provided moral support as well as extra child care. And of course my kids, Elizabeth and Nicholas, worked cheerfully on their own books so that I would have the time to write mine. I love you more than any writers words can ever express.

Introduction

Youre beating budget. Youre on schedule. Youve been complimented on your outstanding work. Youve done everything your boss has asked, and more. Life is good, except for the fact that youve got insomnia. Sweaty palms. A knot in your stomach. Its all because youre worried about having a conversation with your boss about upgrading your title and salary.

How is it that we human beings struggle so much with talking about whats important to us? On the one hand, its hard to believe that there are so many competent, articulate, well-educated, intelligent, creative, talented people working in the world who fear conversation more than almost any other situation. On the other hand, its not difficult to imagine at all. From entry-level workers to front-line managers to CEOs, I have worked with people at all levels of organizations to help them develop the skills to have successful conversations about challenging topics. The truth is that even veteran managers and senior leaders struggle with discussing issues such as complaints, performance issues, and other workplace woes. If they have problems, its normal that you would feel intimidated also.

Do you know how to break difficult news to the boss, ask for a raise, a bonus, or a break? Do you know how to find out how youre really doing and ferret out the unwritten rules of your workplace? Do you wish you had a career coach and a script to use as a model to start a tough conversation?

Disagreeing with your boss isnt inherently stressful. You can root for rival baseball teams and even make a friendly little bet on the outcome. You can disagree about whether a high-protein diet or just controlling food portions is a better way to manage your weight. But when theres something at stake, watch out. When the topic is whether you get a promotion, the opportunity to lead a project, or time off to care for an ailing parent, there are tangible outcomes riding on the dialogue. If your managers perspective doesnt align with your own, it can hinder your ability to carry on an intelligent, calm conversation.

Given our opposable thumbs, ingenuity, and capacity for emotion, the human response to stress seems less impressive than one might expect. Whats up with that? After millions of years of evolution, its a little disappointing that we still experience a primitive fight or flight response to duress. But its there and its hard-wired into the human brain. Under stress, the body goes into high gear in a hurry. Your heart rate goes up, your pupils dilate, your system is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, and blood moves away from the digestive tract to your muscles and limbs so you are ready to flee or fight. No wonder its so hard to communicate when you feel stressed. Your body is poised for action, not dialogue.

Whats in It for You?

Your stress is about to go way down. We Need to Talk: Tough Conversationswith Your Boss is like having a support team on call 24/7. This book is a step-by-step guide through the most common difficult conversations that employees inevitably need to have with their bosses. Based on thousands of consultations, negotiations, and speaking engagements, the best-practice advice here will give you the words and tools you need to navigate workplace conundrums with grace and success.

As president and CEO of Workplaces That Work, I speak several times a month throughout the United States to groups of 20 to 2,000. These groups span the spectrum of hourly employees to executives. Ive spoken to truckers and travel editors, factory workers and farmers, attorneys and astronauts. They all share common dilemmas: what to say at work when they dont know what to say.

I spent several years as an employment attorney before becoming a consultant. Ive litigated cases and continue to advise clients through my consulting practice about how laws impact everyday workplace interactions and conversations. If you follow the advice and rules outlined in this book, youll learn how to know when to talk and when to stay silent. Youll be equipped with great opening lines and tee-ups to a conversation; youll be able to recognize when to cut your losses and leave the room, when to speak up, and when to be silent. Youll also learn the art of breaking down difficult conversations into bite-sized pieces so you dont swallow the thing whole, but manage it in small bites.