Lilly OBrien - The Girl Nobody Wants: A shocking true story of child abuse in Ireland

The Girl Nobody Wants

By Lily OBrien

The Girl Nobody Wants

Copyright 2011 by Lily OBrien

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form whatsoever without written permission of the author .

This book is based on true events but the names and locations of characters and events have been changed .

CONTENTS

1. My Life with Bad People

2. Off to See Daddy in Ireland

3. All On Our Own

4. The Convent Home

5. The Holidays Without Fun

6. I Want To Die

7. Getting Older

8. Time To Leave

9. Getting Them Back

Reports

10. Going Home

11. New Friends

12. Memories of Ireland

13. Living Through It All Again

How Do I Feel Now?

Little Children

CHAPTER 1

My Life with Bad People

Its my 40 th birthday today and Im trying to smile, but as I look in the mirror all I can see is an empty shell, someone waiting to die, and I have a feeling of butterflies in my belly that wont go away and its making me feel sick. I want to sit down, but as I turn around and head for a chair, I get a nasty taste in my mouth and I have to run to the toilet before I vomit over the kitchen floor. I push the door open and I kneel down next to the toilet, but nothing happens and I wait for the feeling in my stomach to go away.

After a while I feel better, so I lift my head up off the toilet and I try to get up, but as I push my hands against the toilet bowl my stomach lightens and I have to grab hold of the toilet as I vomit into it. My head begins to spin, but my stomachs empty, I havent eaten a thing in the last 24 hours, so all that comes out of my mouth is green water and I know I need to get up before I vomit again and make a mess of myself. But, its the same thing for me every day and Ive been feeling this way for the last thirty-six years, and I have no idea how Ive managed to last this long without cracking up or killing myself.

I get up and walk back into the kitchen and I stand in front of the mirror again. I straighten my clothes and look at myself again and I begin to brush my hair. My hair is long and blonde and Im very slim, so my hair seems to suit me this way. But Im only this slim because I keep being sick, and I need to be careful not to brush my hair too hard or I will end up pulling some of it out with the brush, then I will just get fed up with myself for being careless.

Im still feeling a bit sick, so I sit by the kitchen window, but I dont know what to do with myself, so I think about my partner Tony and then I think about what Ive been telling him for the last six weeks and how stupid he must think I am. You see, Ive been telling him that I will be dead before my 40 th birthday; and each time I told him, all he ever did was to say ok and thats been driving me nuts. God knows, I could never tell anyone else how Im feeling or what Im thinking, as they would just think Im nuts or stupid; but I can tell Tony anything, but all he ever does is say ok and that makes me feel like I want to smash his face in.

And you could never tell that anything was wrong with me by just looking at me, as I dress clean and I keep myself tidy, and I have a smile on my face that hides my emotions and over the years Ive become an expert at hiding behind it. My smile also hides my weaknesses from everybody, but I dont know how much longer I can keep the charade up and keep whats left of my life under control. God, I need help. Its only 10 am Monday morning and already Im picking up the phone to call Tony whos at work. I need him to bring some painkillers home as soon as possible, as I cant cope with the pain in my head and the tingling in my belly any longer. But its the same for me every day and he knows the drill because hes been doing the same thing for the last twenty-two years.

I call him and he listens while I explain to him what I want, and he only has a chance to say ok before I put the phone down on him. Then I walk into the living room and curl up on my bed waiting for him to come back, while the pain in my head takes control of my mind and I can do nothing to stop it. The pains awful and it makes me feel like I want to kill everyone; but within half an hour, Tony walks in and throws a packet of painkillers down onto the bed next to me. I quickly move my hand towards the packet and, as Tony turns and heads towards the toilet, I frantically grab the packet, jump off the bed and take four tablets out of the packet while I head into the kitchen for a drink of water.

One by one, I begin to swallow the tablets and then I hear Tony as he walks back along the hall and follows me into the kitchen; he looks over at me and he begins to shake his head from side to side, but then he stops; he knows what Ive just done, but he says nothing. He just turns, gives me a kiss on the back of my head and says, See you later, Im off back to work. And as I drink a glass of water, I turn around and look him in the face, and I say nothing at all, not even thanks for the tablets. He looks at me again and then he walks off down the hall and towards the front door and I head back to my bed; but once I hear the sound of the front door closing and I know that hes gone, I jump off the bed and head back into the kitchen and then I take another four painkillers.

I know he will be back around lunch time and its only a couple of hours away, so I get back into bed and I close my eyes while I wait for the tablets to work, but my flats a lonely place when Im all alone and my mind wont rest and Im cold. My flats small and my bed is in the living room, so my two kids can have a bedroom each, and the kitchen door has fallen off its hinges, so I have a bed sheet hanging in its place; but the light and the noise from the street outside the kitchen window is filtering through and its bothering me.

I feel like Im going mad, I just cant rest and I want to scream with anger, so I get back up, I search through my handbag, looking for more tablets, and I find a strip of sleeping pills that my doctor prescribed for me. I push the pills out of the strip and swallow half a dozen of them, while the rest fall out of my hand and onto the kitchen table, scattering amongst old fag packets and junk mail thats been sitting on the table for weeks. I know the pills arent very strong and they will do little to help me, so I take a couple of nerve pills that my doctor prescribed for me. I know the nerve pills will do a better job than the painkillers and sleeping pills will ever do, and they will stop the tingling in my belly and calm the pain in my head for a couple of hours. I know it sounds like a lot of tablets, but Ive been taking tablets for most of my teenage and adult life, and now it takes more and more of them to get a reaction from my body and to put some kind of normality back into my head that will last for a few hours.

So anyway, I head back to my bed, lie down and shut my eyes, but still nothing, I just cant rest, so I get back up and I make a cup of coffee and smoke a fag out of the kitchen window. But the people outside in the street can look up and see me looking out of the window, so I quickly finish my fag, take a few more nerve tablets and go back to my bed and lie down again. I know it will be lunchtime shortly and Tony will be back from work soon, so I close my eyes and pull a blanket over my head to block out the light and sound from the street outside and I try to sleep. Its difficult and I only manage to drift in and out of a dazed state of light sleep brought on by the medication, until suddenly Im woken by the noise of the front door opening.

Hes back already; it must be lunchtime and Im feeling normal at the moment, so I get out of bed and walk into the kitchen and I put the kettle on to make myself coffee. Then Tony walks in behind me and we both sit down and we talk about the weather, the news and our kids just to make some kind of conversation; but we seem to have little in common at the moment, so its hard work and we both know it. Plus, as the medication starts to take effect and it begins to relax my brain, I begin to feel like I dont give a shit about anything he says to me and we both continue as if everything is fine.