David Brown - The Art and Science of Dealing with Difficult People

The Art and Science of

Dealing with

Difficult People

About the author

David Brown, MCIPD, studied

mechanical engineering at

Loughborough University and

secured a diploma in Management

Studies from the University of

Aston. For the last 20 years he has

been a consultant and coach

specializing in improving business

performance.

Authors note

David has a diploma in Neuro

Linguistic Programming (NLP),

which offers an insight into

behaviours and relationship

building. For more information visit

www.scott-brown.co.uk. David

wishes to acknowledge the

considerable contribution made by

his associate, Norman Leet, in the

writing of this book.

The Art and Science of

Dealing with

Difficult People

David Brown, MCIPD

Skyhorse Publishing

Copyright 2011 by David Brown

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes.

Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or info@skyhorsepublishing.com.

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation.

www.skyhorsepublishing.com

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ISBN: 978-1-61608-363-2

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Introduction

1 Understand what makes us tick

1.1 Define what you mean by difficult

1.2 Accept that we are all different

1.3 Ensure communication is two-way

1.4 Manage change

1.5 Understand assertiveness

1.6 Find the causes of discord

2 Look in the mirror

2.1 Develop your emotional intelligence

2.2 Understand your own reactions

2.3 Check your confidence levels

2.4 Ask yourself, How do I look to others? 32

3 Step into their shoes

3.1 First take off your own shoes

3.2 Be specific

3.3 Ask yourself how they are

different from you

3.4 Accept some differences

3.5 Focus on what motivates

3.6 Establish trust

3.7 Allow for different cultures

3.8 Tailor relationships to suit the need 50

4 Give difficult people a chance

4.1 Display leadership

4.2 Define clear outcomes

4.3 Define clear roles and measures

4.4 Reward the right activities and results 60

4.5 Reinforce appropriate behaviour

4.6 Communicate with a clear purpose

5 Use the right tool for the situation 66

5.1 Dig out the data

5.2 Diagnose the problem

5.3 Decide if there is a task-related issue 72

5.4 Form a psychological contract

5.5 Use third-party feedback

5.6 Use 360-degree feedback

5.7 Create a common framework

5.8 Promote dialogue

5.9 Understand conflict

5.10 Use psychometric profiling

6 Develop your skills

6.1 Visualize success

6.2 Give helpful feedback

6.3 Encourage feedback from others

6.4 Know the significance of body

language

6.5 Get results from meetings

6.6 Look at timelines

6.7 Get personal

6.8 Share information

6.9 Complain effectively

6.10 Use both power and influence

7 Resolve conflicts effectively

7.1 Learn together

7.2 Check your own qualities

7.3 Check the situation

7.4 Check if its the other person

7.5 Move forward together

7.6 Keep working on the differences

Jargon buster

Further reading

Work successfully

with difficult people

If someone is being difficult in a business situation, the end result is that individuals, teams or the organization as a whole will find it difficult to function effectively and be as successful as they otherwise might. This book gives you the skills to address difficult people and difficult situations.

I have been in many situations where someone has been widely considered difficult. It can make life frustrating and even deeply unpleasant. Whilst this book will offer you lots of tips about how to handle such people, we will also look a little deeper at what makes people difficult. You will be asked also to consider situations in which you might be the cause of difficult behaviour I know that I have sometimes been considered to be the difficult one, when I was quite sure that others were being difficult!

Once you understand the root of the difficulty, you can work out a remedial strategy to suit the situation. This book captures 50

secrets presented in seven chapters that provide the key to you dealing with difficult people. You need to decide which tip will help you in which situation.

n Understand what makes us tick. If you are to manage difficult behaviour successfully, you need to understand behaviour! Consider what shapes our behaviour, what behaviours you can realistically expect to change and what you cant.

The Art and Science of

Dealing with Difficult People

n Look in the mirror. You may be the problem. This chapter helps you to understand yourself and to consider how you appear to others.

n Step into their shoes. If you are to help people see the need for change, you need to understand those people and discover why they are different to you. In this chapter you will be offered tips on how to create trust and rapport before attempting change.

n Give difficult people a chance. There is a need for you to display leadership, even though sometimes you may not be the line manager.

We will look at clear outcomes, role clarity, reinforcing appropriate behaviour and helpful communication.

n Use the right tool for the situation. There are many tools that can help you manage difficult behaviour and difficult situations. Here are some of the globally accepted tools, including some psychometrics, with tips on when to use them.

n Develop your skills. This chapter draws on the previous Secrets to develop your all-round ability to deal with difficult people.

n Resolve conflicts effectively. We conclude with a series of checklists which will help you decide how to move forward with your

difficult person.

If you find yourself saying, that person is difficult, dont condemn them before you have exhausted all the p ossible strategies for dealing with difficult people covered in these secrets. You may not be able to change their personality, but you can change their behaviour.

Use these secrets to promote harmony

and deliver results.

The Art and Science of

Dealing with Difficult People

Understand

what makes

us tick

People that we label