Laura Davis - Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

For the last several years, I have had the opportunity and privilege to lead workshops for partners of survivors around the country. I am extremely grateful to the men and women who came to these workshops and shared their stories, frustrations, courage, and pain. Their hunger for information and their willingness to share formed the basis of this book. Thanks, too, to the authors of the questions which make up so much of this book.

Id also like to thank:

My readers, Ellen Bass, Susan Bryer, Abe Davis, Susan Frankel, Paula Inwood, Cecily Knepprath, Jim Malone, Leilani Miller, Celine Marie Pascal, Amy Pine, Keith Rand, Geneen Roth, Shauna Smith, and Stephanie Smith, for excellent suggestions and feedback.

My editor, Janet Goldstein, for clear thinking and inspiration.

Her assistant, Peternelle van Arsdale, for encouragement and support.

My literary agent, Charlotte Raymond, and lecture agents, Denise Notzon and Jaimee Karroll, for humor, good conversation, and help getting this work into the world.

The producers of The Courage to Heal workshops, whose hard work and vision gave me the chance to develop and refine this material. Along with the volunteers who put in countless hours, Id like to thank: Dino Sierp, Nona Gandelman and Lynn Goulder, Libby Harman and Joan Levin, Susan Stiles Wilson and the folks at Greenbriar Hospital, Darcey Spears, Dorothy Peterson, Maxine Stein and the folks at the Womens Resource Center, Barbara Debes, Sally Palain, Tam Martin, Denise Wheeler, Cecily Knepprath, Charlotte Watson, Sue Estler and the University of Maine, Linda Shirley, Jean Vogel, Louise Bauschard and the St. Louis Womens Self-Help Center, Carol Meade and Iowa CASA, Gayle Stringer and King County Rape Relief, Catherine Ratte and Wisconsin CASA, Harriet Pickett, Havens Levitt and Wimin in Movement in New Mexico.

The following partners and survivors: Tom and Fran Okerlund, Angela Gleason, Shelly Skye, Scott Chase, and Jim Fereira.

My professional colleagues for encouragement, clarity, and belief in this project: Lynn Bryant, Mimi Farrelly, Randy Fitzgerald, Hank Estrada, Susan Frankel, Eliana Gil, Paul Hansen, Thom Harrigan, Richard Jacobs, Paul Kimmel, Laurel King, Mike Lew, Wendy Maltz, Robin Moulds, Carol Plummer, Andrew Slavin, Douglas Sawin, Susan Schrader, Jim Struve, and Louise Wisechild.

For help with the bibliography: Shana Ross, Jaimee Carroll, Barb Gore, Lynn Bryant, Susan Schrader, and Monica Gretter.

For the title, Shauna Smith.

Laura Hough for another beautiful design.

Personally, Id like to thank:

The following friends and supporters: Kore Archer, George Brooks, Janet Bryer, Susan Bryer, Lauren Crux, Barbara Cymrot, Natalie Devora, Carol Anne Dwight, Steve Eckert, Harriet Elkington, Sue Estler, Laura Giges, Natalie Goldberg, Kay Hagan, Diane Hamer, Kate Hill, Leslie Ingram, Paula Johnson, Shama Khalethia, Aurora Levins Morales, Gilly McBlaze, Jennifer Meyer, Patrick Meyer, Leilani Miller, Robin Moulds, Nona Olivia, Barbara Ohrstrom, Jonathan Pannor, Celine Marie Pascale, Judy Phillips, Bryan Rawles, Paula Ross, Geneen Roth, Roberta Rutkin, Jan Simon, Jeanne Simonoff, Bert Simpson, Shauna Smith, Stephanie Smith, Matt Weinstein, Wendy Williams, and Dafna Wu.

My healers: Martha Benedict, Maya Clemis, Kathryn Lydecker, Jillellen McKee, Karen Sallowitz, and Dan Stickle for easing my pain and helping me stay in my body.

Ophelia Balderrama for taking care of Abe when I needed to write.

Ellen Bass for great feedback and friendship, and for making me dinner.

Karen Zelin for pulling me through some rough places.

Nona Olivia for inspiration, humor, good times, and friendship.

Barbara, Dafna, and Ruby for being part of my family.

Karyn Bristol for patience, persistence, and love.

Temme Davis for her courage, vitality, and willingness to grow.

Dear Reader:

I offer trainings for professionals, public lectures on healing from child sexual abuse, and workshops for partners. If you are interested in bringing me to your area, please contact my agent:

Denise Notzon

1450 Sixth Street

Berkeley, CA 94710

As a working writer, I regret that I am unable to answer individual letters, phone calls, or requests for referrals. (Contact the organizations listed in the resource section for referrals.) For reasons of confidentiality, I also cannot put you in contact with any of the people whose stories appear in Partners Stories. I do read my mail, however, and if you have feedback or responses to this book, Id be happy to hear from you. If you want to be on my mailing list, send a note to the address below.

In the spirit of healing,

Laura Davis

P.O. Box 8503

Santa Cruz, CA 95061-8503

This whole thing was new to me. I never knew much about incest.

Mary, forty-six-year-old partner

Its moved from being an unrecognized problem to a vaguely recognized problem to a present its-here-all-the-time kind of situation. Its kind of grown into a monster.

Eddie, thirty-four-year-old partner

Ive sat in bed and had these emotions churning and Ive thought, I should know how to do this. Theres this guy out there whos the perfect partner. If I could just get into his brain, Id do this partner thing right. You know the guy Im talking about. Hes the one who says, Its okay, honey, if we dont have sex for two years. I can do that. I hated the guy.

Jack, thirty-six-year-old partner