Christine Bacon - The Super Couple: A Formula for Extreme Happiness in Marriage

The Super Couple:
A Formula for Extreme
Happiness in Marriage

by Christine M. Bacon, Ph.D.

Christine M. Bacon, Ph.D.

ISBN 978-1-63393-201-2

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the author.

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After five years devoted to this labor of love (a lifetime really) I struggle with the appropriate words to convey my deepest appreciation for all who contributed to the success of The Super Couple. Nonetheless, I will do my best to be both succinct and comprehensive.

First, Martha and KenMom and Dadyou were the first to encourage me as a little girl by always saying you can do anything you put your mind to and I know youre going to do something big with your life someday. You never let me doubt myself. You sacrificed all. Your love and support were never in doubt. Thank you for tolerating my tears of frustration and savoring my simple successes along the way. I love you as much as a daughter can possibly love a parent.

Second, my supporters. By this I mean all of you who supported me emotionally by never letting me doubt myself, financially by sacrificing your hard-earned dollars in gifts all too generous just because you believed in me and the message of this book, and spiritually through your constant prayers that kept me sane, focused, and energized. I felt blanketed by the covering of peace and grace. I deserved none of these things yet you gave them without reserve and for that I remain deeply humbled. Though I promised myself Id name no names or Id have to name all names I feel compelled to acknowledge specifically Crystal Cameron-Schaadmy amazing accountability partnerfor supporting me in all three ways and for forcing my forward momentum whenever lifes excuses beckoned my attention elsewhere. You refused to let me flounder or fail. You have been a blessing beyond compare.

Third, to the man who said Sure, go ahead and write this bookas long as my name isnt in it and yet became my storys main character. You, Dan, are the main character in my life and I treasure your love and commitment without which this book could never have been written. Together you and I have shown the world that Super really is possible for any couple that seeks to attain it. How many days, dates, and dinners have you sacrificed? Too many to be counted, for sure. But I will spend my lifetime attempting to repay your sacrifices. I love you dearly.

Finally, I acknowledge my God in heaven. You Who brought me to it vowed youd pull me through it and You certainly didbeyond anything I could have ever conceived. I was not perfect but I did my best. I answered Your call. I wrote the book. The rest I leave in Your mighty hands. To You alone be the Glory!

Ever since I was a young teenlikely right after hormones began to kick inI have found myself interested in the current subject matter: why some couples seem to remain extremely happily married while others dont. I am certain it wasnt to the degree that it is nowa degree I would label as a passion or even an obsessionbut clearly, in a meaningful way that has stood out in my mind. It was more than three decades later that the label Super Couples was given to these special couples. (Little did I know that my own marriage would later fuel this obsession because mine was anything but Super.) As a teen, I had labeled these couples as cute. You know the kind. I only need give one or two sentences of description and you, too, will say, Oh, I know a couple just like the ones youre talking about! Theyre so in love! Theyd be perfect for your study! I know this because nearly every time I articulate my definition of a Super Couple this is the response I receive.

Now my description may not sound too academic or formal, especially for one holding a Doctorate in Marriage Communication, but thats deliberate. We dont need heady theoretical descriptions. We need something we understand and something that workssomething that we can apply to our everyday lives and marriages in a meaningful and passionate way. This has seemingly been my mantra throughout life without even my realizing it until recent years. That is, whats the point of knowing this intellectually stimulating stuff if you cant give me an example and better yet, give me some specific instructions on how I should apply it or what I should do differently?

My passion for your extremely happy marriage runs deep because it was born out of my passion for my own marriagethe extremely happy marriage that I, too, yearned for but did not haveyet. My marriage began in 1983 like most other marriages. We were passionately in love:

Me: Oh, I love you!

Him: No, no I love you more!

Me: Oh I cant live without you!

Him: I never want to spend a day apart from you!

Both: I cant wait until I get to wake up next to you every single day for the rest of my life!

You get the picture. I remember the days well when my young Navy boyfriend was so many states away from me and all I thought about nearly every minute of every day was being with him again. Every thought in my head and every cell in my body were constantly focused on this handsome young suitor and the next time I could hear his voice, see his face or, best of all, be in his arms again. It was a joyful anguish every young lover has likely endured.

I recall begging my mother to let me have my own phone line in my room so that I didnt have to share a line with any of my siblings once my lover did call. And when he did call we would sit on the phone for hoursliterally hourssometimes just breathing while no words were spoken. Though wed run out of words, it was as if we were somehow closer to each other through that phone line than we were if wed hang up. We took in all we could get of each other. I remember the first month my phone bill was $337! Remember, this was 1983 and that was a lot of money. My mother hit the roof You could have bought a washing machine with that money! The next month she yelled And that was the dryer! This pattern continued for about two and a half months, but soon thereafter the pain of separation would end as I happily married my lover on August 3, 1983. Oh how I loved that man! And I am certain that he loved me. As I look back nearly three decades I can remember no other time in my life that I was as blissfully happy as I was those few short months my young suitor courted me.

Ok, this book is not about me. Well, its not all about me. It is about you. It is about you, your marriage, and the possibility of you, too, becoming a Super Couple. However, to tell you how to do so, how to be so, I must use my own marriage as an example of what not to do.

In August of 1987two daughters and four anniversaries laterI left my husband. I left him because I hated him and no longer felt joy at being in the same room with him but rather felt only paindeep and miserable pain. Allow me to not yet divulge the causes of that deep pain here as they will be chronicled throughout the following chapters. Suffice it to say divorce seemed the only option. Well, actually it was the second option. Amidst my hate, I shamefully prayed for him to die. (Everyone pities a widow you know, but a divorceenot so much.) Know that I am not proud of those words today, but who would I be if I werent totally honest?