Rachel Kodanaz - Living with Loss: One Day at a Time

Living with Loss is a fountain of hope for those who are wondering how they will get through another day after a profound loss. The pages are filled with daily gems of inspiration, advice, and common sense.

Dr. Gloria Horsley, President and Founder of Open to Hope

This book is the best gift you can give to yourself or to someone else who is grieving. It is as warm, open, direct, and supportive as sitting down for a cup of tea with Rachel herself. Go in order or just pick a page and you will find wise words to help you along the journey of grief.

Jennifer McBride, President, HeartLight Center

Written by a grief expert with a lot of talent, Rachel knows what shes talking about. This book can be opened to any page and compassionate comfort will be found.

Andrea Gambill, Editor-in-Chief, Grief Digest magazine

This book is filled with hope, practical advice, and a wisdom that will be helpful for those facing grief. I highly recommend it.

Deborah Gauchat, PhD, Licensed Psychologist

The positive and encouraging tone of this helpful book honors the loss experienced by the reader, while also offering daily tips for recreating a full life in the aftermath of a loss.

Michele Neff Hernandez, Executive Director, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

Living with Loss is like sitting with a good friend who helps you take your grief day by day. Simple by design and full of practical advice from one who has been there, Rachel shows us that out of something bad comes something good.

Lloyd Osgood, CEO, Comfort Zone Camp

Living with Loss should grace your bedside table and should be read each morning or evening as part of your healing ritual, prayer, or meditation. This book will keep you focused on what you can positively do each day, without being self-judgmental.

Jan Waggoner, Publisher, Bereavement Publications

Text 2013 Rachel Kodanaz

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by an information storage and retrieval systemexcept by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a reviewwithout permission in writing from the publisher.

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Fulcrum Publishing

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For Rod.

You taught me how to love and to live.

For those who trusted me over the years with their personal stories.

Contents

Foreword

When my dad passed away without warning, I embodied the meaning of grief-stricken. My mom was in the late stages of Alzheimers disease, and my dad was her caretaker. I was totally blindsided because I was just coming to terms with my moms illness, and my dads mortality had not been in question. I was shocked to find myself so distraught by my dads deathnothing had ever taken my breath away like sudden and total grief. In one powerless instant, I had to face the realities that I would never see my dad again and that nothing in life is permanent. I was unprepared to enter this new world and convinced that the unbearable pain would last forever.

Professionally, I was in the middle of a fast-paced production schedule in Chicago, shooting my second season of a successful television documentary series. For the first time in my life, I was devoid of motivation and purpose. Ten days after my dads funeral, I flew to Chicago for a five-day shoot. While getting ready for day one of filming, I collapsed on my hotel room floor. The crew was waiting for me and I couldnt move. I didnt want to move. Like a prisoner shackled by pain, I gave myself permission to make one phone call. It took all the strength I had to find Rachels number in my phone and hit send. She was my go-to person, and not just because I knew she was an expert in this areaafter all, I did have a front-row seat when her husband literally dropped dead, leaving her with their two-year-old. I also called Rachel because I had an indelible image of her no longer grieving . I will never forget being witness to Rachels embrace of grief. I watched, listened, and learned as she steadily harnessed the power of grief. Grief propelled her to take inventory of her life goals, to compete in the Ironman in Hawaii, and ultimately to help others live with loss. In my darkest hour, Rachels magical journey gave me hope.

Rachel answered before I had a chance to give up on the idea of reaching out to her. At first she just listened as I cried. She then reminded me that I would not feel this way forever. She knew that was one of my biggest fears. She also knew I needed to get out of my room. She suggested something really simple to me. Rachel asked me if the crew knew I had just lost my dad. I told her they didnt. She gently pointed out that I could tell them. It was such a simple concept, but I was not thinking little thoughts, I was focusing on big questions that had no answers, like, Why do people die when they do? Rachel was also subtly suggesting that I didnt have to grieve in silence. Grief is a very personal experience, yet we dont have to feel alone. Something shifted for me that day when I shared my story with the crew at lunch. I was empowered at a time when I felt out of control, and I felt connected at a time when I was so detached. My journey through grief was long and hard, but Rachel helped me put one foot in front of the otherwhich was all I needed to get there.

I am so glad that Rachel wrote this book, so she can continue to help more people live with loss. She has a special gift for imparting small and manageable ideas that can profoundly impact someone grieving. Loss is never easy, but Rachels words and wisdom can help make the journey a bit more bearable and perhaps even more meaningful.

Sharon Liese

Executive ProducerHerizon Productions

Acknowledgments

To Gretchen, for holding my hand while we embraced our journey together.

To Taner, for loving us unconditionally.

To those who stood by my side, lifted me up, and proved there was more life to live, I will forever be thankful.

Introduction

It was a perfect life; one that many would be envious of. One that I always dreamed of but thought only occurred in the moviesmainly because my life until then was nothing like the movies. There were many life hardships that got me to where I was, but despite my hurt and self-doubt, I found the perfect husband, gave birth to a wonderful daughter, maintained a fulfilling career, and lived in a house full of love, laughter, and happiness. Just when Rod had helped me to build the life of my dreams, April 14, 1992, arrived and my world ended. I spoke to my husband at 5:20 pm and told him I would pick up our daughter, Gretchen, from day care and would meet him at home. I got home, and he wasnt there, nor would he ever return. He passed away leaving his office at the age of thirty-two.

My first reaction was that my perfect life had come to an end. How could this happen? Why me? Havent I been through enough? Bad things arent supposed to happen to good people. It took me many years of tears and sleepless nights to realize my perfect life did not endit changed. And while change is not what I wanted, it has taught me how to appreciate and find joy in the little things. I cannot deny how devastated I was by Rods death, nor can I deny how long it took me to smile and laugh again. The important thing is I can.