Dianna Booher - Become a Great Conversationalist: Quick Tips for Casual and Strategic Communication

Copyright 2013 by Dianna Booher. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Except as permitted under theUnited States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may bereproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a databaseor retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

ISBN: 978-1-935124-15-3

eISBN: 978-1-935124-24-5

For special discounts on bulk purchases or for workshops and speeches on topics covered in this book, please contact us at or call 1-817-283-2333.

Table of Contents

Become a Great Conversationalist

By Dianna Booher

An acquaintance ofmine, Troy, can shut down a party quicker than a police raid. Worse, he has nointention of doing so.

Take last Sunday afternoon for anexample. About thirty of us gathered at a local golf club after church for aleisurely lunch. Seated on both sides of two long tables, first one and thenanother opened a new discussion topic. What are you thinking about theelections? Two or three jumped in with opinions. Then Troy. You have tolook at this upcoming election historically. He waxed on for two or threeminutes, providing historical significance for the elections rather than mereopinion.

Then someone asked for an updateon the investigation into the latest terrorist threat. Troy gave a fullreport, including how-tos on prevention. Someone changed the subject to thelatest movies. You guessed it: Troy gave us a lengthy rundown on all thereviews, told us which reviewers were most credible, explained how the moviegot its funding, and ended with how much money the average movie made over itslifetime. By the fourth time Troy had hijacked the conversation to explainthings to us, a deadly pall had fallen over the table. One by one, guests leftthe table to form smaller chat groups around the room.

As I said, Troy can disperse acrowd faster than a deranged gunman with only his mouth loaded. A littleexpertise engagesjust not on every topic.

Share Air Time

Be conversational, but notcaptivating. Okay, if youre dating, aim for captivating in the charming senseof the word. But otherwise, dont take prisoners. Those around you should notfeel trapped when you talk.

Lessons learned from Troy? Letme contradict New York Citys If you see something, saysomething slogan where conversation is concerned: Just because you knowsomething doesnt mean you have to say something. If the thought occursthat you may be rambling on too long, you are. If people often cut you offwith, Ive got it, youre probably being repetitive.

If you see eyes glaze over, youve lapsedinto lecture mode and lost your audience. As T.S. Eliot observed, Words strain, crack, and sometimebreak, under the burden. Heavy users should have to pay a licensing feewhen they exceed their limit.

Learn to listen. Take a breath. Show interest inother people. Ask questions about what they have to say. And the longer youlisten and ask questions, you might be surprised at how fascinating others findyou as a conversationalist.

Prepare Talking Points

On the other hand, have you ever tried toengage someone in conversation when you get only limited responses? Imagineyourself in the following exchange:

Depak and Sonya host greatget-togethers, dont they? you toss out.

Yes, they do.

Silence.

You try again: Ihear the Engineering team got turned down on their patent application lastweek. I guess that was a big disappointment. They had been counting on thatto launch an entire line of engines.

Thats what I hear.

Silence.

How will that affect your department? you persist.

I dont know yet.

Even an automated greetingresponds well enough to take you to the next menu option.

When you know youllbe participating in an important meeting discussion, giving an opinion on acontroversial issue, or defending a budget increase, prepare ahead of time alist of key points you want to communicate.

How many and how detailed? Theres no set rule. But two is too few, and nine is too many. Just be clear,be brief, and be memorable.

Dont expect othersto inform and entertain you when you network or socialize. Prepare toparticipate in the conversation.

Learn to Bridge

Youve seen those You Are Heremaps in malls or amusement parks. Consider bridging statements those that movethe conversation from where it is to where you want to go. The goal: Simplydecide on the appropriate linking phrase that leads from the present topic toyour entry point.

Here are some of the moregeneric bridging statements that will almost always serve you well:

One of the more criticalquestions we need to ask ourselves is blah, blah, blah

I think the more urgentissue is...

Actually, what excites memost about this entire project is...

What we dont want tooverlook in all these details is the overriding goal of

You may be right about allthe considerations mentioned, but to me the real value will be in

Thats all true, but letsnot forget the fundamental reason were here is

While all these details areintriguing, the central issue is still

Such bridging statements lead tothe next intersection of ideas. They focus discussion and help mark you as athought leader.

Reframe to Action

Parents do it. Salespeople do it. Politicians do it. They all reframe ideas to help reshapehow people think. For example, when older job seekers fear a potential employermight hesitate to hire because of age, they reframe their answers byemphasizing their experience and seasoned judgment.

Here are other examples of reframing:

A voter says, I disagree with the mayorspolicy. The mayor or her supporters reframe the opposition like this: People have always had racial biases in our community, but we intend to carryforth this policy regardless of those who stand against me. (The oppositionis framed as racial prejudice rather than policy disagreement.)

A parent protests on-campus activities at hischilds school, but the school board refuses to vote in his favor on theissue. The parent reframes the vote in his letter to the editor of the localnewspaper: Members of the school board refused to ban this group on-campusactivity because they fear reaction from a small gang of popular students andtheir parents. (The opposition is framed as favoritism toward a vocal minorityrather than a difference over school policy.)

These reframes represent selfish or otherwise negativereasons.

But if you want tobe considered a great communicator and thought leader, look for situationswhere theres discord and reframe to bring people together. Rather thanpermitting reframing to create conflict and deception, call attention toillogical thinking and bring issues to clarity.

Reframe the conversationpositively to bring people to accept change or to come to agreement. Become acatalyst for action through your communication.

Choose Not to Lose with Your Words

Adjectives and adverbs express opinions and therefore invitepeople to nitpick and argue. Use them sparingly. Verbs and nouns expressfacts (or what sounds like facts). Verbs motivate, persuade, and demandaction. They pack punch.

Weak: This outdated law somewhat hinders our progress in making the necessary changes.

Stronger: This law hinders our progress in making changes.

Jargon, too, can betroublesome. Often, people use jargon in an attempt to impress or build rapportas an insider with extensive knowledge. But instead of building rapport,jargon builds a barrier. Rather than marking you as a leader with broadknowledge who can identify with everyone, jargon categorizes you as aspecialist with limited perspective.