PUBLISHED BY: James W. Williams
Copyright 2021 - All rights reserved.
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Introduction
Not too long ago, my friend Kyle came to me and told me a story of the weekend past when he had recently attended his sisters wedding. Kyle himself had been married for nearly twenty years before his divorce a few months prior, and this wedding was one of the first outings he attended by himself.
Over a beer, he told me about the big day. At ten, he was surrounded by friends and family, people he saw nearly every week, or at least sent a text message to every now and then. The ceremony was beautiful. Everyone was happy. They took taxis from the church to the reception held in this big fancy downtown hotel. Upon arriving, Kyle was busy making sure everything was running smoothly behind the scenes.
In true wedding fashion, people ate food, had some drinks, started dancing, and overall just let their hair down for a good time. Relatives from both sides of the new family came together to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
But for Kyle, it wasnt all smiles, booze, and confetti.
Plunged into the vast depths outside of his comfort zone, he told me that as soon as he started interacting with strangers, friends of friends, and distant relatives, he soon realized he had absolutely no idea how to talk to any of them.
He recalled a particularly embarrassing moment where his sisters new husbands cousin came over and said, Hey, and he froze up, literally not saying a single word. Awkward was an understatement.
After the compulsory How are you? and Its a beautiful service, right? Kyle was stuck. His mind started to fill with anxiety. Endless thoughts bombarded him like, What do I say? How can I make this person laugh? Do they even care about what I have to say? Who is this person? What are their interests? and so on.
Outside his mind and back in reality, this all emerged as generic small talk, awkward silences, and uncertain looks towards the floor.
God, it was terrible. Kathy (Kyles ex-wife) was such a charismatic person, but I didnt realize how much she carried our conversations while we were married. I feel like I dont have the ability to talk to anyone. What do you talk about? Do people care about what I have to say? Even if they did, I dont think I have the confidence to even try. Lord knows how Im ever going to start dating again, if ever.
As we finished our drinks and paid the tab, I told him that becoming confident, or even just speaking to other human beings, isnt some far-off idea reserved for only the most extroverted humans who ooze natural charisma. Oh no.
You see, over a decade ago, and then for most of my entire life, I was like Kyle. I went through school, college, university, and a scattering of first and part-time jobs and eventually on to the beginning of my career being awkward, shy, and withdrawn.
I was the guy who sat in the middle of the class, not cool enough for the back or smart enough for the front. I was the invisible one.
I had some friends Id known all my life, but the older I became, the more social anxiety I felt, and the more isolated I found myself. It was crippling. I hadnt pushed myself to talk to anyone or had taken risks when meeting new people since I was a child. After all the passing years, it was like Id forgotten how to do it at all.
It was hard to meet new people. I found it impossible to date. Speaking with the customers in my part-time jobs was messy, and selling to clients in my career was unreliable at best. I could only sometimes talk to someone without breaking a sweat or feeling like I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I had good days and bad days, but as years went by, I had two main realizations that ultimately led to me changing my life .
First, your connection to other people is everything.
Your relationships with others, your job, yourself, and your levels of overall happiness and life satisfaction are all determined by your ability to communicate and connect. You could have millions of dollars in the bank, have everything that someone can be deemed successful for having, but if youre lonely, youre not happy.
You can be poor and materially have nothing, but if youre surrounded by caring people with whom you share a meaningful connection, and you can feel like the wealthiest person on the planet.
My second realization was just as life-changing.
Being confident, charismatic, and open to connecting with others is not a trait youre born with. I used to believe that the confident people, those who could hold an entire audience or keep you hooked intimately on their every word, were gifted with a natural talent for confidence. I was wrong.
Confidence and charisma are skills that can be learned, honed, and practiced. They can even be mastered.