Gary Thomas - 9 Must-Have Conversations for a Doubt-Free Wedding Day

Contents

Authors Note

This conversation guide is intended for use between couples and marriage mentors. It is not intended to replace the psychological or medical care of a professional, licensed provider. We estimate that 50 percent of couples may need professional care related to one or more issues in our guide, so the best marriage mentors will have a resource list available for qualified referrals to such providers.

Such issues will typically be identified when the Personal History Questionnaire is filled out (see Appendix B; if you desire to print out the questionnaire, please go to the website) or at any time in the conversations when the couple is not able to discuss and agree on one or more topics. If concerns arise at any point in this process, a referral should be made to supplement these conversations and marriage mentoring. At that time, the marriage mentor should obtain a release of information from the professional provider in order to talk openly about the counseling process and to hold the couple accountable as they prepare for marriage.

For Pastors

The vast majority of couples considering marriage will walk into your office, not the office of a licensed professional marriage counselor. And if youre like most pastors, youre probably already overwhelmed with the process of running a church, so you may feel unsure about how to implement the nine sessions included in this book. Dont worry! This conversation guide is not here to add stress to your ministry. Instead, our plan is to help you in the extremely important process of preparing couples for the commitment of sacred marriage. Here are some initial thoughts to assist you:

1.Premarital counseling may be one of the most important responsibilities you and your staff address. You are preparing a man and woman to become a couple and probably soon to become a family.

2.We have worked with hundreds of struggling married couples over the years, and were convinced that a process like this before marriage would keep half of them out of our counseling office and even more out of the divorce courts. Imagine thatyou, your pastoral staff, and lay leaders who help as marriage mentors could directly affect the divorce rate of your church and community.

3.Marriage mentoring doesnt have to rest on your shoulders alone. However, since you or one of your pastoral staff will actually sign the marriage certificate, you should be able to sign off on the couples readiness for marriage with complete confidence. In other words, it is up to the pastor to assure that the couple has taken time to carefully go through all nine sessions with each other and a marriage mentor.

4.The position of marriage mentor could be assigned to an elder or other mature member of your church family. The mentor can be an individual or a married couple. The qualities you should look for in mentors are wisdom; confidentiality; a strong track record in their own marriage; good people skills; the ability to listen to others rather than preach at them; and the ability to discuss a couples personal issues forthrightly, maturely, with tact, and without embarrassment.

5.Some couples may choose to have someone outside of your church serve as a marriage mentor. That person doesnt need professional counseling qualifications, because this conversation guide provides them with the tools they need for in-depth discussions with those who are considering marriage.

6.If a couple has issues the marriage mentor isnt equipped to handle, he or she should refer that couple to a professional counselor. If your church doesnt have a list of qualified, licensed counseling or mental-health providers in your area, now would be an excellent time to research those resources.

This conversation guide invites a pre-marriage couple into a deep and time-intensive process. We encourage you to implement this guide in a way that has satisfying results for everyone involved. Some couples may tell you they dont need or want this, but you have probably seen your share of married couples in trouble. This premarital process is not a chatits a conversation that will take time. In the long run, however, it will help couples avoid problems and improve satisfaction as their marriage progresses. So give this pre-marriage couple the gift of strongly advising them to embrace this conversation guide for their benefit now and in their future. We pray that this conversation will be a blessing to you and your ministry.

For Couples

How to Use This Conversation Guide

The pastor looked at the couple in front of him with concern. He knew they were both young, still in college, and bringing baggage from both of their families of origin that could cause any number of significant marital problems for years to come. Yet they proclaimed themselves deeply in love, and because they were Christians, they said they believed marriage was the right next step for them.

The pastor couldnt shake his concerns. He realized he should do something, but what? After going through some of his notes for the premarital counseling session, he decided to ask the young man to step out of the room for a few minutes. Then he turned to the woman and asked, Are you sure you want to do this?

She stared at him in surprise, uncertain shed heard him correctly. She finally replied, Excuse me, pastor. What do you mean?

Im just wondering if youre sure you know what you are getting into. Do you really want to get married right now?

Oh yes, of course I do! She nodded to emphasize the point.

The pastor called her fianc back into the room and, despite his doubts, moved on with the counseling session and eventually the wedding.

In hindsight, what that pastor should have done was directly share his concerns with the coupletogether. He should have said something like: You two arent ready to get married. I have some serious doubts about you and your marriage if you continue on this path. In fact, I have lots of doubts! But he was too kindhearted and perhaps a little naive and uncertain about how to counsel a couple who really needed to take more time before they walked down the aisle.

As for the couple, they certainly could have used much more than one session of required premarital counseling, because the pastor was correctthey werent as prepared as they should have been. They werent ready to get married. Not only were they young, but they also hadnt addressed some of the most important matters couples should discuss long before they even get engaged, let alone go through premarital counseling.

And yet, by Gods grace, this couple survived. Actually, theyve done much more than that: they recently celebrated their thirty-year wedding anniversary, launched two great sons into adulthood, and for decades have counseled on these very issues around marriage, family, and parenting. How do we know? Because Steve and Rebecca are this formerly underprepared couple!

Yes, Steve and Rebecca survivedbut how much better it would have been for them if they could have thrived during those early years of marriage. The three of us (throwing Gary in here now) have seen firsthand how many of the struggles that married couples experience can be avoided, or at least minimized, if men and women would have serious and substantial conversations, just like those included in this guide, prior to getting married. (It would be even better to have these conversations prior to getting engaged. ) Every couplewhether just considering marriage, planning a wedding, or even journeying through marriageshould be sure theyve taken time to talk over the specific critical questions covered in each of the sessions that follow. Your authors have witnessed how these conversations prepare couples for the challenges ahead of them, and this couples conversation guide is designed to set you up for the best marriage possible.