Judi Ketteler - Would I Lie to You?: The Amazing Power of Being Honest in a World That Lies

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

T HIS BOOK BEGAN WITH AN ARTICLE I wrote for Toby Bilanow at The New York Times . Thanks, Toby, for taking a chance on a wacky idea and for always letting my voice come through in the pieces we work on together.

I wouldnt be anywhere without my longtime agent, Joy Tutela, who has been the biggest champion of my writing from the beginning, even when I was only half-formed as a writer. Also, many thanks to the other folks at David Black Literary Agency, including Susan Raihofer and Jenny Herrera.

Special thanks to my editor at Kensington Books, Denise Silvestro. I knew I wanted to work with you from the very first phone call, Denise. Thank you for making this book the best version of what it could be. Thank you to the entire editing and design team at Kensington, and also thanks to Ann Pryor and the awesome publicity team for working so hard to get this book into the world.

Thanks to Kate Hanley and Jodi Helmer for your friendship and support. You two ladies are my people. Amy Paturel, you always have the best feedback. So many other colleagues have a knack for offering an encouraging word at the exact right moment and making me feel like a writing rock star, particularly Jenny Fink, Karen Kroll, Laura Laing, Carla Levy, and Richard Curtis. Meagan Francis, thanks for being there for me during a confusing time in my marriage. Ditto that, Paige Byam Soliday. And P.S., thanks for also teaching me how to write, way back when.

John Fox, my editor at Cincinnati Magazine , thank you for letting me test out honesty-related ideas in my bi-monthly column (even if you didnt quite know thats what I was doing). And to Roberta Zeff at The New York Times , thanks for wading into the kids on Instagram waters with me. It definitely provided fodder for this book!

Kelly Kautz, thank you for sharing your story. Dan, Ivy, Sarah, Rachel and Rafe, and Mike, thank you for letting me use your stories in the book, and thanks for reminiscing with me, Tim. I have chosen to keep some people anonymous because of privacy reasons, but know that I am grateful for your willingness to let me tell certain stories that involve you.

For taking the time to discuss research and sort through concepts, thank you to Thomas Carson, Emma Levine, Yael Melamede, Robert Feldman, Christophe Heintz, Matt Lupoli, Taya Cohen, Keith Leavitt, Ivan Oransky, Todd Rogers, Lara Kammrath, Anne Gordon, Peter Rober, and Zoe Chance. Lizzie Post, Amy Lang, KJ DellAntonia, and Jeannette Walls, thank you for being so generous with your time and for being willing to indulge all of my questions about not-easy topics like (respectively) etiquette versus lying, explaining orgasms to tweens, dealing with parent shame, and overcoming fear of telling your story.

Ive pulled from the work of many researchers, too numerous to cite here. But I must mention Dan Ariely, Bren Brown, and Esther Perel, because I am indebted to their ideas. And Layla Saad, I found you later than I wish I would have, but Im so grateful for your voice.

My family is my starting point, and my rallying point. To my sisters Laura Thomason and Nancy Porras, thank you for a lifetime of friendship and for our Sunday afternoon conversations. To my other sister, Claire Ketteler, weve been long distance for so long, but youll always be my big sister who knows more than me. To my two living brothers, Tony Ketteler and Herb Ketteler... lets face it, you didnt actually do anything related to this book, but youre always good to share a laugh with and bring the snacks. To my deceased brother, Paul Ketteler, I see you now, and I love our conversations.

To my mom, Mary Ketteler, you are so funny and so earnest, and you have the best stories. I should have listened to them better when I was younger, but Im listening now. Thanks for showing me a happy marriage, and for instilling in me what matters. And to my dad, Bert Ketteler, thanks for looking after me from wherever you are. I dont know what I believe, but I like to believe youre in my corner and that you hear what I say.

To my husband, Allen. Thomas Hardy may have brought us together, but we left that gloomy Gus behind a while ago. Im so glad that were not most people. Thank you for making the strange journey with me, and for being okay with your starring role in this book.

Finally, to my kids, Maxx and Georgia, who distracted me at every turn and reminded me that life doesnt happen inside a Word document.

About the Author

J UDI K ETTELER has written for dozens of publications such as The New York Times, Better Homes & Gardens, Good Housekeeping, Runners World, Self, Womens Health, and many others. Shes also an award-winning columnist for Cincinnati Magazine, where she writes pieces about the weirdness of midlife.

She is the author of Sew Retro: A Stylish History of the Sewing Revolution + 25 Vintage-Inspired Projects for the Modern Girl and The Spoonflower Handbook: A DIY Guide to Designing Fabric, Wallpaper & Gift Wrap.

When shes not writing, Judi loves running, yoga, and flea markets. She lives with her husband and two young children in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Learn more about Judi at www.judiketteler.com .

Honesty Principles

First, be aware. (Chapter 3)

Not every situation is the same. (Chapter 3)

Be mindful of emotions. (Chapter 4)

Intention matters. So does refinement. (Chapter 4)

Think about who you are being. (Chapter 5)

Say what you mean, but dont be a jerk. (Chapter 6)

Is it your truth to tell? (Chapter 6)

Mine all parts of the conversation. (Chapter 7)

When you love someone, honesty is about sharing with a loving purpose. (Chapter 7)

You dont need to pit honesty and otherworldly belief against each other. (Chapter 8)

Today is a new day. (Chapter 9) 249

Sources

Introduction: Paying Attention to Honesty

A 2018 paper found, Ximena Garcia-Rada, Heather E. Mann, Lars Hornuf, Matthias Sohn, Juan Tafurt, Edwin S. Iversen Jr., and Dan Ariely (2018), The Adaptive Liar: An Interactionist Approach of Multiple Dishonesty Domains, CESifo Working Paper No. 7215, Category 13: Behavioural Economics, cesifo-group.de/DocDL/cesifo1_wp7215.pdf .

Chapter 1: My Strange Relationship with Honesty

Judi Ketteler, Its the Almost That Defines Your Story, October 23, 2013, blog post, judiketteler.com/blog/its-the-almost-that-defines-your-story .

Judi Ketteler, Monday Morning, in Front of Third Graders, November 22, 2013, blog post, judiketteler.com/blog/monday-morning-in-front-of-third-graders .

Chapter 2: What Is Honesty, Anyway?

Trump was peddling a theory, Michael D. Shear and Julie Hirschfeld Davis, Sean Spicer Repeats Trumps Unproven Wiretapping Allegation, New York Times , March 31, 2017, nytimes.com/2017/03/31/us/politics/sean-spicer-trump-wiretapping . html.

Judi Ketteler, Uphill Climb: Seven Stories on Seven Hills, Cincinnati Magazine , November 8, 2017, cincinnatimagazine. com/columns/uphill-climb-seven-stories-seven-hills.

Three Minute Philosophy, Immanuel Kant, YouTube video, youtube.com/watch?v=xwOCmJevigw&t=38s .

Thomas Carson, Lying and Deception: Theory and Practice (Oxford University Press, 2010).

Dentist making a big investment, Dan Ariely, The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty (New York: HarperCollins, 2012), 67.

Chapter 3: Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

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