Robert OByrne - Mind Your Manners: A Guide To Good Behaviour

B asic good manners are so obvious that they shouldnt need any elucidation. They shouldnt, but all too often they do. Why is this the case? Why do we need to be told over and over again how to behave properly? Isnt it obvious?

The only purpose of good manners is to demonstrate courtesy and consideration towards people and to put everyone at ease. Good manners mean you behave towards others in the same way youd wish them to behave towards you. Its a fundamental tenet of good manners never to be openly judgmental of another persons speech or behaviour.

Its easy to bemoan the lack of good manners today. What has actually been lost is the concept of consideration; manners are just the overt expression of this idea and a considerate individual will always have good manners. But its important not to become too stuffy on the subject. The spirit of our age inclines towards the casual; we should do the same. Accept that we live in informal times when many of the rules that used to govern social interaction rules generally based on traditional etiquette have been discarded.

This ought to mean that were all equally well behaved. Unfortunately, thats rarely the case. Dont allow this to affect you or your behaviour. Instead, recognize that politeness, courtesy and consideration are always going to be preferable to their opposites, no matter what the character of the age. Practise them and youll be known and appreciated for your good manners.

1. Whenever asking for anything, whether a dress in another size or a dinner date, always include the word please. Its only six letters and one syllable but will make all the difference to the way in which you and your request are judged.
2. Two other words that ought to be a regular feature of your speech are thank you. Every time someone does you a service , dont presume that your gratitude will be understood make it audible.
3. After youve enjoyed someone elses hospitality, be it a cup of tea or a weeks holiday, get in touch promptly and express your appreciation. Thank-you letters, whether they take the form of a phone call, text, email or card, should be received sooner rather than later, preferably within twenty-four hours.
4. Try never to arrive in anyone elses home empty-handed. Your gift doesnt need to be lavish, although even the simplest item should reflect the personality and tastes of the recipient.
5. Be a good customer in shops, restaurants, etc. As a rule, employees in the service industry are poorly paid for working long hours in bad conditions, so no wonder they can sometimes appear indifferent. But rudeness on your part will not improve circumstances, either for them or for you.
6. Apologize immediately if youve done something wrong. Or even if you think that youve done something wrong. Sorry is a small word, but it can make a big impression. So too can its absence.
7. Never make a promise or commitment you cant keep. Better to disappoint someone now than to raise hopes thatll be dashed later. This is especially applicable to all repairmen, plumbers and removal companies.
8. Be punctual. Only selfish people are habitually late.
9. In conversation, learn to listen. The best talkers are those who hear whats being said to them.
10. Encourage other people to talk about themselves. That way, youll quickly gain a reputation for being charming.
11. Be cheerful. Itll make you feel better and everyone else you meet too.
12. Remember the maxim: Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. And then apply it to your daily life.

Y oure seated next to a really delightful husband and wife at lunch and just before leaving the table they announce, We must meet again; feel free to drop in on us next time youre in the neighbourhood.

No matter how sincere their tone, dont take the offer seriously. Otherwise youll turn up on their doorstep and be met with bafflement. On the spur of a particularly social and often alcohol-enhanced moment, we all invite people to our homes. These open invitations are lightly issued and, while much appreciated, theyre better dismissed just as lightly. The only true invitation is one that comes attached to a specific date, time and place. Anything else is a pleasantry, implying a compliment to the charm of your company.

Sometimes open invitations are issued as though trapped on a loop-tape. Every time the two of you meet, the same person repeats the same line: You have to come round for brunch/lunch/dinner/tea/recreational sex. Unless the offers much more precise (Fancy an hour between the sheets next Tuesday afternoon in an apartment that Ive rented for the purpose?), consider it flattering but worthless. If the person in question really wants to entertain you, he/she will make an effort to do so with a solid invitation.

How to behave if you took a casual offer to heart and have now arrived at someones home? Expect to be unexpected. Few of us today entertain without plenty of advance notice and the well-groomed man you met at that party could now be wearing a grimy vest and slippers. Whatever food and drink is given to you will probably be meagre and prefaced with the apology, Sorry, but had we known you were going to drop by .

While were all afflicted by moments of memory-loss, some of us have discovered a convenient way of making sure this doesnt affect our social lives: its called a diary.

You still forgot to go to a party? Telephone your erstwhile hosts as soon as you remember the invitation and be profuse with your apologies. Only do so if this was a genuine case of forgetfulness. Its a dangerous practice to use poor memory as an excuse when, in fact, you opted for a better offer, or just decided to stay at home and watch television that night.

Gregarious guests are faced with this dilemma sooner or later. In the typical scenario, youve just accepted an invitation nothing particularly exciting, just a kitchen supper with a couple of old pals from college but itll do because there was nothing else planned for Friday night. Then your mobile phone rings with the offer of something really special. For years, youve been waiting for the opportunity to be asked to a major film premire, a small dinner with Jude Law or even the chance to meet someone youve been secretly lusting after (probably also Jude Law). Now that opportunity comes along and you have to turn it down. That really is the only thing youre allowed to do.

Understandably, youll be tempted to abandon your original commitment for the sake of the better offer. Particularly if one host is unknown to the other, youll feel confident that the reason for your change of plan can remain forever a secret. No one will ever need to know the truth, you think to yourself, while mulling over various possible explanations you could offer for a sudden inability to attend the old college pals kitchen supper.

But the well-mannered guest is a loyal guest. Resist the temptation to lie because dishonesty invariably proves a bad policy. Imagine how youd feel were roles reversed and you were placed in the position of a disappointed host. All friendship is based on trust; sooner or later your tendency to opt for the better offer will be discovered and youll be discredited. Once youve accepted an invitation, nothing short of serious illness ought to stop you honouring that commitment. And try to derive consolation from the thought that no matter how great the other occasion promises to be, itll now suffer from one fatal drawback your absence.