Caroline Tiger - How to behave : dating and sex : a guide to modern manners for the socially challenged

Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other peoples bad manners.

H. Jackson Browne

Fall not in love; it will stick to your face.

National Lampoon

At some point in the pastor maybe its still in your futureyou must have wondered, Is it okay to play the field? Heres the short answer: Sure, as long as youre honest about it and you practice safe sex. Or maybe youve run into this conundrum: Youve met a woman online and you go to meet her, only to find she looks nothing like her photo. Is it okay to ditch her?

Dating, mating, and sex are fraught with legions of nitpicky etiquette questions just like these, partly because dating and its consequences have become so complicated. Just a few decades ago, people would court, become engaged, and remain virgins till their wedding night. Nowadays many of us start dating in our mid-teens and go till our mid-thirties before finding The One. Thats two decades of datingand probably less than two decades of sex. So we have lots of experience, and we end up dating a wide range of people (especially if we speed-date or online-date). And that means, of course, that there are more opportunities to be lied to, blogged about, stubble-burned, and cheated on.

We dont mean to be negative. We are, in fact, happy to no longer have to abide by silly rules that forbid women from asking out men or that brand people immoral for sleeping together on the first date. Were simply pointing out that its important to maintain some code of behavior in a dating world that often seems chaotic. Rules create comfort levels that, far from imposing limitations on us, actually make it easier to develop relationships.

Manners dont need to be strict and Victorian. They simply should be acts of decency and consideration. Courtly gestures like disposing of a condom neatly or refusing to date your friends exthese decent acts send a similar message: We are civilized human beings, and were in this together.

Navigating the worlds of dating and sex is bound to be a bumpy experience. People tend to behave badly when theyre worried about getting hurt, and nothing exposes a soft underbelly like asking someone on a date or declaring your love. Theres always the fear that you wont measure up: Am I lovable? Is he into me? Is she faking it? What if he says no? We hope this book will help. Its organized chronologically, beginning with the process of finding a date and ending with the by-no-means-inevitable breakup. Consider this a roadmap to the major twists and turns on the path to love.

If youre still feeling a bit apprehensive about diving in to dating, well leave you with Emily Posts wise counsel: It doesnt matter which fork you use; it matters that you use a fork. Go ahead. Dig in. And happy forking.

Since she lied, you dont have any obligation to stay or pay, but you should at least say hello.

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Pick-up joints and meet markets (or whichever euphemism you prefer for the place to go to find a date) have changed dramatically during the last few decades. Online dating has shed its sheath of shame, leading more people to rendezvous in cyberspace.

Its now just as kosher for a woman to make a first move as it is for a man. And for some, dating itself has gone by the wayside in favor of hooking up and hanging outat least until the biological clock kicks in and theres a mad dash to find a life mate. All of these changes might lead a person to wonder (1) if the old rules of the pick-up still apply, and (2) if there are any new rules. The answer to each quandary is yes, of course. Past rules are still very relevant. And at the same time, modern times demand new guidelines.

Online dating lost its stigma somewhere around the late 90s, when people realized that it was a necessary replacement for the kinds of community eventslike sock hops and barn-raisingsthat used to provide a more natural means for meeting people. Back in the day when a sidewalk stroll promised actual human interaction as opposed to an opportunity to make phone calls and listen to your iPod, people would meet in person. Now, were meeting online. This entirely modern forum demands its own set of rules, from how to present oneself in the bestand most inoffensivelight, to how to engage and disengage from potentially sticky entanglements.

No matter how hard people try to be honest in their online profiles, theyre not going to be able to present an accurate version of themselves. Maybe if they asked their friends, family members, colleagues, and shrink to weigh in, theyd have a shot, but no one person possesses enough self-awareness to write a 100-percent truthful description of her own personality strengths and flaws. The truth is, everyone presents an online version of herself thats as much a representation of her as Monets Water Lilies is of actual water lilies. A few basic rules will keep you on the straight and narrow.

Never lie in your profile. Remember that omission is a form of lying, so dont leave blank any categories that you expect others to truthfully report, such as marital status, age, number of children, political stance, packs per day, and general location of your hometown.

Do not use online dating clichs (e.g., Im the one your mother warned you about) or rely on lines from popular songs (Come on, baby, light my fire). Its rude to add to the already significant amount of low-quality online content.

Do not write poetry. Since only 1 percent of poems are any good, the odds are against you that yours is the exception.

Spell-check your profile and ask a grammarian friend to give it a once over.

Its possible to read between the lines of online profiles to guess at the truthwill he be a boor or a white knight? Is she a pouty princess or a gracious companion? Here are some clues to look out for:

Lists of activities he doesnt like and would never do tell you hes a wet blanket.

Putdowns of past dates show a general lack of respect for humankind, especially for the humans she dated. Should you start seeing this person, you can expect her to decideand to inform the next two people she datesthat you suck, too.