John Morgan - Debretts New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners: The Indispensable Handbook

Debretts

NEW
GUIDE TO
ETIQUETTE
& MODERN
MANNERS

NEW
GUIDE TO
ETIQUETTE
& MODERN
MANNERS

THE INDISPENSABLE HANDBOOK

JOHN MORGAN

THOMAS DUNNE BOOKS.
An imprint of St. Martins Press.

DEBRETTS NEW GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE & MODERN MANNERS. Copyright 1996 by John Morgan. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y.10010.

www.stmartins.com

ISBN 0-312-28124-2 ISBN 978-0-312-28124-3

First published in Great Britain by Headline Book Publishing

First U.S. Edition: November 2001

1 0 9 8 7 6

To Belinda

Behaviour is the garment of the mind and ought to have the conditions of a garment. For first, it ought to be made in fashion; secondly, it should not be too curious or costly; thirdly, it ought to be framed as best to set forth any virtue of the mind and supply and hide any deformity; and lastly, and above all, it ought not to be strait, so as to confine the mind and interfere with its freedom in business and action.

Francis Bacon

It is impossible to acknowledge everybody who made this book possible. However, I would like to thank the following for their special contribution: Miss Belinda Harley, Mrs Jean Maby, Michael Shaw Bond, Lady Elizabeth Anson of Party Planners, Mrs Sarah Elton and Peter Lippiatt of Smythson, Nicholas Coleridge, Vice-Admiral Sir James Weatherall KBE, Her Majestys Marshal of the Diplomatic Corps, Major and Mrs Simon Dixon, The Lord Freyberg, Mrs Claire Hamilton-Russell of Farrer & Co, Miss Sandra Boler of Brides and Setting Up Home, Miss Eva Lewis of Tatler, Mrs William Selka, David Broadhead of Claridges, Miss Lucinda Buxton of the Savoy Group of Hotels, Mrs Michael Fortier, Miss Jan Shure of the Jewish Chronicle, Paul de Keyser, Mrs Clovis Meath Baker, Mrs Robin Cohen, The Hon. Mrs Richard Pomeroy, Miss Victoria Mather, Mr and Mrs Thomas Woodham Smith, Peter Hartley LVO of The Lord Chamberlains Office, Mrs Robyn Murdo-Smith LVO of the Buckingham Palace Press Office, Rev Jonathan Jennings of the Church of England Communications Unit, Father Kieran Conry of The Catholic Media Office, Monsignor Ralph Brown, Mrs Andrea de Swanton of Hennell, Miss Saira Joshi, Lady Celestria Noel of Harpers & Queen, Captain Michael Bickley RN, Head of Protocol Ministry of Defence, Colonel JW Trelawny OBE of Headquarters London District, Miss Caroline Buttle of The Jockey Club, Miss Laura Thompson-Royds of The Ascot Office, Mrs Ursula Edmonstone, General Sir Edward Jones KCB CBE, Secretary to The Lord Great Chamberlain, Julian Large, James McGurk of the Central Chancery of the Orders of Knighthood, Bryan Jones of Kenyons, Miss Anna Harvey of Vogue, Miss Kate Reardon of Tatler, Miss Brasilia Beyfus, Anthony Gardner of Harpers & Queen, Sandy Mitchell of Country Life, Robert Hutchinson, Tom Coles, Giles Eyre, Valentine Villiers, Joint Master of the Chiddingfold, Leconfield and Cowdray Hunt, Mrs Simon Gibbs, Miss Diana Bourne of Holland & Holland, Ben Elwes, Rev William Booth of the Chapel Royal, Mrs Ben Gooder, Mr and Mrs Stephen Bayley, Mrs Naim Attallah, the late Stephen Jones, Miss Nichola Formby, Mrs Susanne Cooper, The Lady Freyberg, The Hon. Annabel Freyberg, Rev Alan Greenbat JP, Jeffrey Blumenfeld of The Jewish Marriage Council, Miss Georgia de Chamberet, Mr and Mrs George Littler, Mrs Charles Woodruff, Anthony Smith, President of Magdalen College, The Lord Palmer, The Countess Alexander of Tunis, Neil Graham of Farrer & Co, Robert Ashby of The British Humanist Association, The Hon. Christina Freyberg, The Lady Kenilworth, Adrian Barnes CVO, The Rememberancer of the City of London, His Honour Judge Esyr Lewis QC, Mrs Guy Martin, The Natural Death Society, Christopher Mann, Jonathan Wicks, Mark Morris, Nicky Haslam, Mark Riches of Keystone, Miss Sarah Willes of Blues Agency, Miss Kay Crosse of Norland College, Catherine Mansel Lewis of Kuala Nannies, Jeffrey Manton of Barclays Bank plc, Mark Birley, Mrs Mark Littman, The Bath and Racquets Club, Joseph Friedman of Sothebys, The Lady Sarah Baily, Mark Cecil, Mrs Sara Haydon, Mrs Nathalie Hambro, James Maby, Tom OConnell of the Ritz Hotel, Miss Sophie Morgan Jones of Shortcut, Miss Amanda Cohen, Timothy Glazier, Ivor Spencer.

Debretts New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners is the result of nearly two years investigation into all aspects of social behaviour, from birth to death and everything in between. The result is a book which, although in the spirit of its illustrious forebears, has been completely re-researched and totally rewritten to deal with the complexities, challenges and contradictions of modern life. The result is, I hope, a book that combines the best of our traditional codes of conduct with acceptable contemporary innovations in everyday behaviour, that will not only guide you through the different aspects of your life but, I trust, will amuse and entertain you as well.

Throughout my research I have been gratified to discover the universal appeal of good manners. Everybody whom I have consulted, from the senior officials of the great offices of state to my own friends and colleagues, has shown enormous enthusiasm, interest and help with the project. Their very positive reactions have proved that good manners make for a kinder, happier and better world.

This is not to pretend that I have not encountered critics. These people argue that etiquette and good manners are outdated. The enormous social changes, especially in relationships between men and women, and the breakdown of traditional family groups have left people with dilemmas that the old certainties are ill equipped to solve. Traditional etiquette, with its subtle nuances and time-honoured forms, is seen by some as at best quaint and charming, at worst ridiculous and snobbish.

To these detractors I suggest that manners and etiquette, like language and fashion, are fundamental means of communication and self-expression. And, as with language and fashion, manners and etiquette adapt effortlessly to social change. I also believe that the best of manners are, in fact, one of the most visible and telling manifestations of civilisation, and without them we pave the way to uncertainty, insecurity and, in the end, a social disintegration that can already be seen in the loutish behaviour of some sections of our society.

This book, therefore, is intended to offer a modern route through the minefield of contemporary manners. It shows how many of our oldest customs can happily exist alongside the more free and informal aspects of contemporary life. It takes account of the very basic concept of human diversity: that what to one man may seem welcome informality may, to another, be grossly offensive.