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Carlin Flora - Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

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Discover the unexpected ways friends influence our personalities, choices, emotions, and even physical health in this fun and compelling examination of friendship, based on the latest scientific research and ever-relatable anecdotes.
Why is dinner with friends often more laughter filled and less fraught than a meal with family? Although some say its because we choose our friends, its also because we expect less of them than we do of relatives. While were busy scrutinizing our romantic relationships and family dramas, our friends are quietly but strongly influencing everything from the articles we read to our weight fluctuations, from our sex lives to our overall happiness levels.
Evolutionary psychologists have long theorized that friendship has roots in our early dependence on others for survival. These days, we still cherish friends but tend to undervalue their role in our lives. However, the skills one needs to make good friends are among the very skills that lead to success in life, and scientific research has recently exploded with insights about the meaningful and enduring ways friendships influence us. With people marrying laterand often not at alland more families having just one child, these relationships may be gaining in importance. The evidence even suggests that at times friends have a greater hand in our development and well-being than do our romantic partners and relatives.
Friends see each other through the process of growing up, shape each others interests and outlooks, and, painful though it may be, expose each others rough edges. Childhood and adolescence, in particular, are marked by the need to create distance between oneself and ones parents while forging a unique identity within a group of peers, but friends continue to influence us, in ways big and small, straight through old age.
Perpetually busy parents who turn to friendsfor intellectual stimulation, emotional support, and a good dose of merrimentfind a perfect outlet to relieve the pressures of raising children. In the office setting, talking to a friend for just a few minutes can temporarily boost ones memory. While we romanticize the idea of the lone genius, friendship often spurs creativity in the arts and sciences. And in recent studies, having close friends was found to reduce a persons risk of death from breast cancer and coronary disease, while having a spouse was not.
Friendfluence surveys online-only pals, friend breakups, the power of social networks, envy, peer pressure, the dark side of amicable ties, and many other varieties of friendship. Told with warmth, scientific rigor, and a dash of humor, Friendfluence not only illuminates and interprets the science but draws on clinical psychology and philosophy to help readers evaluate and navigate their own important friendships.

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About This Book Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree - photo 1

About This Book

Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree: friendship is a key to happiness, and Friendfluence is a fascinating and thought-provoking examination of the new science that explores this crucial element of our lives. Friendfluence is so persuasive that the minute I put the book down, I made three dates to see friends.Gretchen Rubin, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home

Weaving together the latest scientific research with ever-relatable anees, Friendfluence is a fun, comprehensive, and compelling exploration of friendship and its surprising influences.

As a culture, we cherish friendships but tend to undervalue their role in our life. However, very different lines of research have shown that friends may have an even greater hand in our development and well-being than do our parents or our romantic partners. In Friendfluence, Flora draws on the growing body of scientific research into these relationships in order to illuminate how our pals powerfully influence our character, health, and mind often in surprising ways.

From the evolutionary rationale of cooperation to a working definition of modern friendship, Friendfluence surveys bosom buddies, the friend who got away, social networks, getting in with the wrong crowd, and many, many more varieties of friendship. Told with warmth, scholarly rigor, and a nice dash of humor, Friendfluence not only illuminates and interprets the compelling science but will also immediately make readers reevaluate the importance of friendships in their own lives.

Published by Doubleday 2013.

About the Author

Carlin Flora was on staff at Psychology Today magazine for eight years, most recently as Features Editor. She is a graduate of the University of Michigan and the Columbia University School of Journalism and has written for Discover, Glamour, Womens Health, and Mens Health, among others. She has also appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, Fox News, and 20/20. She lives in Queens, New York.

This is an uncorrected eBook file Please do not quote for publication until - photo 2

This is an uncorrected eBook file. Please do not quote for publication until you check your copy against the finished book.

Copyright 2013 by Carlin Flora

All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

www.doubleday.com

DOUBLEDAY and the portrayal of an anchor with a dolphin are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Flora, Carlin, 1975

Friendfluence: the surprising ways friends make us who we are / Carlin Flora.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

1. Friendship. I. Title.

BF575.F66F56 2013

158.2'5dc23

2012019366

ISBN 978-0-385-53543-4

To Mom and Dad

Contents
Introduction

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive.

Anas Nin

When I was fifteen, my family moved from North Carolina to Michigan. The relocation was difficult for one reason above all: I had to leave behind my friends. For the first few months at my new school I was a puddle of tears as I attempted to connect to other kids but didnt feel I could truly be myself. I read and reread letters from my old friends and felt painfully excluded from their latest escapades. Then one day, I saw them up in the bleachers during a pep rally: They were a boisterous group of alternative girls (this was the 90s) who were nonetheless not too alternative, I soon learnedthey were adventurous and artsy but still cared about getting good grades. From the first time I sat at their lunch table, my isolation began to subside. I started to feel excited about life again.

I was sentimental to begin with, which is probably why leaving my North Carolina friends was so painful. But my experience is far from unique: Friendship is a crucial facet of life, and not just for melodramatic teenage girls.

During the eight years I worked at Psychology Today magazine as a writer and editor, I noticed a steady increase in scientific findings about friendship. Study after study pointed to its surprising benefits. Who knew that friendship could be so good not only for ones mood but for ones health? Solid friendships can help you shed pounds, sleep better, stop smoking, and even survive a major illness. They can also improve memory and problem-solving abilities, break down prejudices and ethnic rivalries, motivate people to achieve career dreams, and even repair a broken heart. It sounds too good to be true. Yet very few of the many social science and self-help books that crossed my desk covered friendship. Walk through the relationships section of any bookstore, and you will be overwhelmed with titles about finding and keeping a romantic partner or parenting a child. An alien perusing this body of literature might assume that lovers and families are the only relationships we humans have.

Of course we also have friends. We might think all of our traits and life decisions can be traced back to our genes or the influence of our parents or partners, but it has become increasingly clear that our peers are stealth sculptors of everything from our basic linguistic habits to our highest aspirations. And while friendships are a staple in most of our lives, very few of us are fully aware of the effect friends have on our personal growth and happiness.

The converse holds true, tooa person without friends will become unhappy or worse: Loneliness sends the body and mind into a downward spiral. A lack of friends can be deadly.

Evolutionary psychologists theorize that friendship has roots in our early dependence on others for survival. Having a pal help you hunt, for instance, made it more likely that you and your familyand your hunting buddy and his familywould have food cooking over the fire. While most of us no longer rely on friends for house building or meal gathering, we still have a strong need for them. Anthropologists have found compelling evidence of friendship throughout history and across cultures. Universally, were built to care deeply about select people outside of our kin group. Its hard to construct a personal life history that doesnt include important parts for ones friends.

Now happens to be a prime time for increasing our awareness of how friends affect us. Friends are not just more important than you might think; they actually are becoming more important, sociologically speaking. In his 2000 book Urban Tribes: A Generation Redefines Friendship, journalist Ethan Watters posed the question: Are friends the new family? Watters entertainingly depicted city-dwelling buddies who relied on one another throughout their twenties and even thirties, as they delayed marriage and found their vocational callingsa phenomenon of his class and age group. While big, stable tribes might not characterize most Americans social circles, people of all ages (and from all areas of the country) are relying on friends to fulfill duties traditionally carried out by blood relatives or spouses.

The median age of first marriage is still rising: In 2010 it was 28.7 for men and 26.7 for women, up from 27.5 and 25.9 in 2006. Americans arent merely delaying marriage; many are divorced or widowed or are opting out completely. One hundred million Americans (thats almost half of all adults) are not married, and a 2006 Pew Research study found that 55 percent of singles are not looking

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