Jessica Harper - The Crabby Cook Cookbook: Recipes and Rants

COOKBOOK

135 ALMOST-EFFORTLESS RECIPES
PLUS SURVIVAL TIPS

by Jessica Harper

Illustrations by Ingo Fast

WORKMAN PUBLISHING, NEW YORK

Copyright 2010 by Jessica Harper
Illustrations copyright 2010 by Ingo Fast

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproducedmechanically, electronically, or by any other means, including photocopyingwithout written permission of the publisher. Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.

eISBN 978-0-7611-6400-5

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Harper, Jessica.
The crabby cook cookbook / by Jessica Harper.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-7611-5526-3 (alk. paper)
1. CookingHumor. I. Title.
TX652.7.H35 2010
641.5dc22

2010032801

Design: Janet Vicario
Cover photograph: Gabrielle Revere
Book illustrations: Ingo Fast

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AS WE KNOW, it takes more than an author to create a book. In this case, it took a crabby multitude. When I stop and think about all the people who helped make The Crabby Cook Cookbook happen, I feel giddy with gratitude.

For starters, I am especially grateful to Peter Workman, and to my editor, Suzanne Rafer, for tidying up my crabby ramblings, binding them beautifully, and sending them forth, buoyed by the support of the amazing Workman Publishing team, especially art director Janet Vicario and production editor Irene Demchyshyn. Thanks also to my agent, Jennifer Griffin, and to my super webmeister, Concetta Halstead at Lord Creative.

Im grateful to the friends (some crabby cooks, some stove-huggers) who gave me their recipes and support: Cynthia Beckler, Arlene Zeichner, Susan Helmrich, Jeffie Lee Fiskin, Hannah Hempstead, my book group, my mahjong group, Richard Rubin, Amy Taubin, Abby Shaw, Carla Hacken, and Irma Henriquez.

Im grateful to my family, without whom I would have nobody to complain about. My cheerleader sister, Lindsay, and my older sister, Diana (oatmeal cookie queen), Anna McDonnell, Julie and Ellen and Lily and Bette Rothman and hummus-lovin Katy. I send a big shout-out to Susan Bolotin, whose encouragement and expert advice meant so much to me. Thanks to Scott for being so irritating and to Sam for the lamb. Thanks to Dad and Mom for the three squares and for the love.

Most of all, I am grateful to Elizabeth and Nora, my lifelong recipe testers, who, in spite of years of picky eating, have grown into spectacular young women, and to my husband, Tom, who makes me crabby sometimes, but mostly, well, he rocks.

MANY OF YOU (AND I) can answer that question unequivocally, but some of you may be uncertain. To determine just how crabby you are, do this simple self-check. Read the following six statements. If any of them sound like something you might say or think, then, Im sorry, but most likely you do not qualify for crabby cook status.

I cant think of anything Id rather do at five oclock than cook dinner.

Im always one to read a recipe thoroughly before I begin cooking. You never know when, say, a unique browning method might be called for, and youll need to run down to Home Depot to pick up a blowtorch.

I never curse while cooking, even when the recipe requires that I chop seven vegetables and flour and sear fifty cubes of beef. I also do not curse when, in mid-recipe, I am distracted by a phone call from the PTA lady and I burn my finger with the blowtorch.

When the PTA lady calls to ask me to contribute food to their annual luncheon, I love the fact that she entrusts me with making a chicken entree for forty, instead of one of the no-brainer donations like bottled water.

If a family member doesnt care for what Ive prepared for dinner, I thank them for their feedback and offer them an alternative entree.

After dinner, I love the solitude of kitchen cleanup, while my family scampers off to watch American Idol. It gives me precious time to consider what Ill cook for dinner the next day, and the next...

For a long time I thought I was the only crabby cook I knew. While I complained my way through daily cooking for my picky family, I envied my friends who seemed so Martha Stewart-y, all rushing around recipe-swapping and table-decorating, searing tuna and braising beef cheeks.

I had not always been so irritable. I was an actress for many years, in the days B.C. (Before Children), and between gigs, I enjoyed collecting cookbooks and buying shallots, concocting fabulous food to please boyfriends and family. But back then I cooked what I wanted, when I felt like it, which, of course, is not remotely how a family food agenda works. When I found myself cooking several times a day, including two dinnersan early one for kids who would eat only six things and a later one for their father who would eat only eight things, none of which correlated with the kids sixmy positive feelings about menu-planning and execution imploded, and I became a full-fledged crabby cook.

Ashamed of my inability to experience the joy of cooking, I kept my gnarly attitude to myself. While I pretended to be Julia Child-like, I secretly honed my cooking-avoidance skills. I ripped easy recipes from the magazines in my doctors office, trolled the city for take-out options, even invited my mother-in-law for dinner and handed her an apron.

Then one day, not so long ago, I had my mahjong group for dinner. (N.B.: This is a subgroup of my book group, which is itself an offshoot of my PTA special events group.) Between bites of take-out sushi, my friend Kathy announced, You know, I am just so over cooking dinner every night.

I was stunned. Id thought Kathy was a regular Rachael Ray. She makes killer stroganoff, freezes pesto in the ice cube tray, and owns monogrammed coasters.

Oh, I know, my friend Lynn said. Doesnt it suck? I was shocked: Id thought Lynn was the next Nigella.

But these revelations were just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. Later, I got confessions from Denise and Mimi and Patti. They were all fed up with daily cooking. Even my sister-in-law Julie, who writes a newspaper food column no less, had this to say about daily food prep: I HATE IT!

It was then I knew I was not alone; apparently the world was full of crabby cooks.

The day my friends and I outed ourselves, I got the idea for The Crabby Cook Cookbook. While it wouldnt be my dream cookbook (that would be the one that just pops open and produces a meat loaf or a chicken dinner), its recipes and survival tips would make life easier for those of us who are kitchen-challenged. Thats why the recipes here are not complex or glamorous. This is everyday, family-friendly (and chef-friendly) food, home-tested for acceptability by very picky people (my relatives). Pay special attention to recipes marked as a Miracle Food, which absolutely everyone will eat without complaining.

Speaking of my relatives, youll notice that Ive loaded this book with stories about their care and feeding, to amuse you while you cook, or even for reading on a night when youre not cooking (like thatll ever happen). The cast of characters you will meet on these pages includes the following: