Farnoosh Torabi - When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women

Money and Margaritas

G irls used to grow up with so few avenues open to them that dreaming of marrying a Prince Charming who could provide for them and their children was an expression of ambition. In the last fifty years, though, something radically changed. Girls began to join the ranks of men in the workforce with equal professional ambitions as they heard things like Stick to your strengths. Never give up. And my personal favorite: You can do anything you set your mind to. You can have it all. These mantras laid the foundation for the predicament facing many of todays working women who heeded that sage advice and are now experiencing troubled relationships with men. And they are asking: how does a female breadwinner make it all work? Money is already a bone of contention for most people; when she is the one who makes more, however, the plot thickens. Money suddenly becomes a greater source of stress, a trigger for infidelity, and a major cause of divorce.

The media have had a field day with the topic of women on the rise over the past few years, highlighting how wonderful it is that were finally ascending in the workforce like never before and outearning our male counterparts in many areas of the country. But this dramatic shift is rife with complicated struggles that can threaten coupledom and even spill into our relationships with friends and family members. Everyone has an opinion. But no one has the answers. That is why I have written this book. Its the ultimate guide for having a deeply satisfying relationship while protecting your income, as well as preparing yourself financially and psychologically for all the likely obstacles that arise when you earn more than your partner. Dont get me wrong: this book isnt just for the elite women out there who are banking six-figure or more salaries and wearing Prada to work. Its designed to help any woman whose livelihood depends on her income and whose intimate relationships and/or family life is affected by that income. Although the book is geared specifically toward women who make more than their partners, this topic also lends itself to much broader conversations about money and relationships in todays world. I intend for this book also to appeal to single women in the dating world whose success may intimidate potential suitors and who may soon find themselves in a relationship where shes bringing home the filet mignon. Couples who start out on even ground and then find that she is outearning him will also find plenty of useful advice here. That happens a lot, and if youre not prepared for the shift, your relationship can hit a serious, painful snag.

I knew I was in for a wild ride the day my mother questioned me on the man Id chosen to marry. She put it bluntly not long after I announced our engagement: Farnoosh, I just want you to be happy and not have to struggle. Mom knew my soon-to-be-husband, Tim, wasnt going to be wealthy in the near future. He wasnt on the road to becoming a doctor, lawyer, or investment banker, having instead chosen a career as a software engineer (with dreams of starting a business someday). I gave her credit for her honesty, but what she didnt realize then (and which would have been difficult for her to sincerely accept) was that I was on the path to earning more than he would... by a long shot. Moreover, she could not have fathomed that my struggle would be about making too much money in comparison. She assumed we might have trouble making ends meet if Tim didnt bring in enough income. Never did she imagine that Id make enough money to support us both, a role reversal that would bear its own challenges.

When it came time to reorganize my monetary life as I prepared for marriage and started to think earnestly about my future as one half of a we, I couldnt turn to the established wisdom set by the Suze Ormans and Dave Ramseys of the world (and I clearly couldnt turn to my mother). Admittedly, I couldnt even rely on some of the ideas Id learned in my own experience as a journalist and personal financial guru for the likes of NBC, ABC, Money, and Yahoo. Why? Because when a woman makes more than her man, the game is totally different. Period.

The New Landscape

Right now, more women than men place an emphasis on career aspirations. A 2012 Pew Research Center study found that 66 percent of young women aged eighteen to thirty-four rate their career high on their list of life priorities, compared with 59 percent of young men. This reflects a huge change in womens attitudes toward working that has been brewing over the last half century but has been accelerated by the recent recession. By the end of 2012, Pew documented evidence that since 2007, the percentage of mothers who said that their ideal situation would be to work full-time rather than part-time or not at all had gone from 20 percent to 32 percent.