Adamson Eve - I suck at relationships so you dont have to: 10 rules for not screwing up your happily ever after

ALSO BY BETHENNY FRANKEL

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Jacket photograph Peter Yang

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Frankel, Bethenny.

I suck at relationships so you dont have to : 10 rules for not screwing up your happily ever after / by Bethenny Frankel ; with Eve Adamson.

pages cm

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Interpersonal attraction. 4. CouplesPsychology. 5. Dating (Social customs). I. Title.

HQ801.F747 2015

306.7dc23 2014043140

ISBN 978-1-4516-6741-7

ISBN 978-1-4516-6745-5 (ebook)

This book is dedicated to women who have the best intentions in love and matters of the heart, but at times fall short. To those who believe in relationships and partnership but have somehow lost their way. You can see the island, but you simply dont know how to make it there. Lets make it there together.

A Special Thank-You

I m no professional, and I make that very clear throughout this book. However, there is somebody who is a professionalmy therapist and renowned psychologist Dr. Xavier Amador, who is a leader in his field. My association with Dr. Amador has always been fruitful for me, and so I was honored when he said he would be willing to contribute his thoughts throughout the book. When I am in the heat of a relationship issue, sometimes I dont see things with perfect clarity until after Ive had some time for reflection, but Dr. Amador does. This is the gift he has bestowed upon this bookshining his light on the parts where his commentary might add extra insight or even tell me when Im being over-the-top.

I want you to know that Dr. Amadors opinion is worthy of serious consideration. Thank you, Dr. Amador, for your contribution to what I hope will be a game-changer for modern relationships!

Introduction

H eres my confession: I suck at relationships.

Now that Im in my forties, I have a lot of life experience. Ive weathered the ups and downs of press and fame, of being broke and having money, as well as having my relationships largely documented on television. I would say that Ive been pretty successful in most areas of my life. Im a mom to an amazing little girl. Ive always been good at generating ideas and marketing. Ive built a brand and I have good business sense. I know when something can be fixed and when its time to move on. Im decisive, I have good gut instincts, and I know how to get what I want.

In my own love life, however, Im a disaster. As good as I am in business, thats how bad I am at love. I find relationships to be just about the most impossible thing in the world, and Ive done so many things the wrong way that Ive become, strangely, a sort of expert at what not to do. Here are just a few things Ive done wrong: I play games. I get afraid. I run. I shut down. I fall in love with the wrong men. I cant deal when things get uncomfortable. I ignore, I retreat, and I get very confused. Over the years, Ive settled for less than I deserve. Ive looked for an out. Ive set people up to fail. Ive sabotaged my relationships. Ive wasted time. Ive convinced myself to be with someone who I knew wasnt right for me. Ive been afraid to be alone. Ive asked anyone who will listen what I should do (something I rarely do in business). I suck at staying put and being content. Ive misjudged people and situations, and Ive ignored my gut instincts. Ive trusted the wrong men and forced a relationship with men who werent right for me. Ive tried to force a square peg into a round hole. Ive called when I shouldnt have called. Ive texted when I shouldnt have texted. Ive not called when it would have been the kind thing to do, and Ive worried about getting someone to love me before I worried about whether I loved them. I wanted the ring and got the ring, many times, but then I didnt want it anymore. Ive wasted time and energy and money in relationships. Ive fallen for being in a relationship with someone who loves me more than I love him. Ive been with men who made a lot of money and supported me and Ive been unable to handle that. Ive been with men who had no money, who turned out to be gold diggers. Ive been with men because they were the father I never had. Ive been with someone who could handle my career but wasnt strong enough to handle me, and Ive tried to be with someone who needed me to take care of him. Ive done all the things that women do badly in relationships, and then some.

Sometimes I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations. Will good enough ever be good enough for me? Do I just choose poorly, or have I really not met the right person yet? We often make decisions out of fear, which can cause us to settle for Mr. (or Miss) Right Now. In the moment, it seems so much safer and easier than striking out fearlessly to find the truly perfect match. Is that what Ive done? Im not sure. Im still working it out, but in doing that, Ive already learned many, many things that I dont want, that I wont accept, that I shouldnt settle for. And I still believe in love.

You might wonder why I would write a book about something I admittedly suck at. I must have some set of balls. I was recently chatting with somebody who doesnt have a lot of relationship experience, and she asked me, So, given your relationship history, what makes you an expert? I have grappled with this question for a while, and here is what Ive come up with: When I write a book, I write about what inspires me, what pours out of me, what I need to talk about. The things Ive learned about what not to do could fill volumes, and this is a book about what not to do, as well as a book full of strategies you can use to tackle your relationship issues without blowing the whole thing up, based on what I know because of the many, many mistakes Ive made. Trial and error is a great teacher, and this is a subject Ive been schooled in over and over. It is also a subject that is important to me. Its close to my heart. Its about my heart, and I have a lot to say about it, so hear me out.

I dont know all the answers. In fact, I probably know hardly any of the answers. The irony of me giving relationship advice is not lost on me. This book is not about me putting myself out there as someone who knows more than you do, or someone who has any kind of professional qualifications for counseling (other than having been on the couch end of plenty of years of it). Fortunately for all of us, Ive got a psychologist and a psychiatrist weighing in throughout this book. Its no secret that Im going through a very negative and public and nasty divorce. Right now, Im in relationship recovery. In my last significant relationship, I hit rock bottom. I think people thought that I sold my company, I landed on the cover of Forbes magazine, and my life was now perfect. Actually, as Im writing this book, I dont even have a home. Im the richest homeless person you know. Im like a vagabond with no personal belongings, running from hotel to corporate apartment to the homes of friends, because at this time, getting an apartment isnt possible for me. Trust me when I tell you that no amount of money will ever make you happy.