Gail Snyder - Jealous Girl?

Is your best friend a better athlete than you are? Does seeing your boyfriend talking to another girl make you crazy? Everyone feels jealous or envious at one time or another, but if you constantly feel like the world is unfair to you, you may need some help keeping these negative emotions in check. Jealous Girl? Girls Dealing With Feelings uses real-life examples and quotations to illustrate the causes and effects of irrational jealousy and envy and provides strategies and tips on how to overcome them.

Katie and Ashley had been close friends since first grade. But when they started middle school, Katies behavior began to bother Ashley. The two girls shared several classes, and whenever the teacher handed back the graded tests, Katie would ask Ashley what she got. Ashleys grade was usually a few points higher than Katies. After hearing that news, Katie would go into a funk. Thats so not fair, she would say. Things come too easy for you.

Ashley could not understand why Katie was being so competitive with her. And she didnt like it. The next time the girls got a test back, she refused to show Katie her paper. But Katie was determined to learn whether she had done better than Ashley. She turned to the teacher and demanded that he tell her.

Envy is what you feel when someone has something you dont have but that you really want. In Katies situation, she envied Ashley because of her friends ability to do well at school. Envy differs from jealousy, although people often use the word jealous when they mean envious. Envy refers to the intense desire to possess something you dont have, while jealousy occurs when you fear losing something (such as attention or affection) that you already have. For example, if Katie thought that her boyfriend, Josh, was paying too much attention to Ashley, Katies fear of losing him would make her jealous of her friend. This book discusses the often painful emotions of jealousy and envy that everyone experiences and suggests ways to deal with them.

It is possible to be envious about many different things. You might envy someone because of his or her talent in a particular sport or music. You might envy a person who has lots of expensive possessions, such as designer clothes or the latest cell phone and MP3 player. Similarly, you could envy someone who is regarded as the best student in the class or who gets the lead part in all the school plays.

Envy is a normal emotion. Like all emotions, it can motivate you to do something. Envy can make you want to fight or work harder for something that you believe you want or need. However, envy is often described as a negative emotion, because when it occurs, you tend to feel badly about yourself. When you are envious, you see yourself as not having the talent or things that someone else has. In fact, youre likely to resent the person who inspired this bad feeling in the first place.

Feelings of envy may be fleeting or they may last over a long period of time, as it happened with Katie. Her envy created feelings of rivalry, or competition, with Ashley. This rivalry was one-sided, however. Ashley did not see herself directly competing with Katie any more than she saw herself competing with any other girl in their class. It was Katie who had come to feel that every test was determining which of them was smarter.

Jealousy occurs when you worry about losing an important person to someone else. Everyone gets jealous at one time or another. In fact, normal jealousy is just thatnormal. But it causes unpleasant feelings. Youre anxious and uncomfortable, overwhelmed by a range of emotions that often include fear, sadness, anger, and shame. Jealousy typically involves uncertainty over relationships that are important to you.

Its easy to recognize the pangs of jealousythey cause a strong, physical reaction: a sick sensation in your stomach may accompany the feelings of the fear of a loss. A tightened jaw and tenseness in the back and shoulder muscles may result from the feelings of anger over the belief that someone else is trying to take your place in your relationship. These physical responses to jealousy are your bodys signal that something is not right or is lacking in your life. Because jealousy is a negative emotion, when you are jealous, you dont feel very good about whats going on.

The jealous are troublesome to others but a torment to themselves.

William Penn

Envy asks one leading question: What about me? Why does he or she have beauty, talent, wealth, power, the worlds love, and other gifts, or at any rate a larger share of them than I? Why not me?

Joseph Epstein

Of the two emotionsjealousy and envyjealousy is the more intensely felt emotion and the harder one to hide. If you are jealous of someone, you might deny it to him or herand even to yourself. You might admit instead that you are angry with that person for some particular offense but stop short of recognizing that your own jealous feelings are actually making matters worse.

When people dont cope in healthy ways with feelings of jealousy and envy, they can destroy relationships and even act violently. However, jealousy and envy dont have to be destructive emotions. When properly handled, these feelings can have positive results. For instance, your envy of someone elses possessions can help motivate you to work hard to obtain those things you want. Similarly, engaging in a rivalry with someone can also be positive when it results in both rivals pushing harder to be the best they can be.

Although jealous feelings can make you feel badly about yourself, they can be helpful if you realize they are a signal that a relationship is important to you. Once you learn to recognize that signalthat you are feeling jealous of someoneand you understand why, you can take steps to react in a positive way. For instance, if you fear losing the respect and love of someone important to you, you can make sure to show the person you fear losing that you care about him or her. The following chapters can help you learn how to better understand your feelings of jealousy and envy. This book also includes tips on how to handle these feelings in yourself and in others.

A part of everyones personality, emotions are a powerful driving force in life. They are hard to define and understand. But what is known is that emotionswhich include anger, fear, love, joy, jealousy, and hateare a normal part of the human system. They are responses to situations and events that trigger bodily changes, motivating you to take some kind of action.

Some studies show that the brain relies more on emotions than on intellect in learning and in making decisions. Being able to identify and understand the emotions in yourself and in others can help you in your relationships with family, friends, and others throughout your life.

Have you ever heard the expression, Shes been bitten by the green-eyed monster or wondered why people say someone is green with envy? Seventeenth-century playwright William Shakespeare has been responsible for many expressions that have found their way into popular speech, including this reference linking jealousy with the color green.