Zeissler - The Two Guys Gourmet A Cookbook for Men

Text copyright 2014 by Paul R. Zeissler

Cover design and illustrations 2014 by Rebecca Michael Zeissler

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of Paul R. Zeissler except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

The material in this book is for informational and entertainment purposes only. The author and publisher disclaim responsibility for any adverse effects that may result from the use or application of the recipes and information within this book.

The Two Guys' Gourmet version 1.0.

THEAQ LLC P.O. Box 295 Rosemount, Minnesota 55068 U.S.A. theaqllc.com

Kevin would have loved to have seen this book finally in print--it only cost him finger tips, burnt skin, midnight oil and thousands of hours of laughter that I still hear.

Thanks to Gena for her infinite patience with the both of us.

Becky's drawing genius and editing skills along with Todd and Heather's have made this finally appear in my kitchen and yours--and thanks to the tasters who gave us tons of input and encouragement on many of the recipes we have presented.

- P.R.Z.

Let's eat!

This has pretty much been the grand total of many a mans input into whatever magic happens in the kitchen that results in a meal on the table. We think its time for that to change. We consider it our responsibility indeed, our duty to rescue our hungry but clueless brethren.

The great chefs in the history of what we are pleased to call the civilized world have been men, but most American guys only venture into the kitchen in search of another cold one. We (Paul and Kevin) used to be the same way. Then we learned to cross that final frontier, boldly go where no man had gone before, into the trackless waste, the barren desert, the uncharted wilderness, that last bastion of female power and mystery, the eternal We mean, we finally learned our way around the kitchen.

Certainly we all have an old stand-by snack that we can fix in a pinch (okay, so its peanut butter and potato chips; but if you wash it down with beer you have legumes, a root vegetable and grain, and thats healthy, isnt it?), but when was the last time you cooked not barbecued, cooked a meal for your family? Reheating leftovers that she cooked or microwaving a frozen dinner dont count.

The famous TV commercial: The wife is going to be late getting home (the social implications of this fact are beyond the scope of a mere cookbook), so she phones her poor dope of a husband. Now heres a man who wears a suit and tie to work, helps provide his family with an obviously beautiful home, and even manages to find his way back there at the end of the day. So why does the wife have to give him detailed instructions for every simple step in the preparation of a meal? Are we to assume he cant read the instructions on the box? If anyone tried to air this commercial reversing the roles of the sexes, he or she would be burned in effigy by N.O.W.

How did we men arrive at this sorry state of affairs? Like most societal ills, our plight can be traced to environmental and hereditary roots. Lets face it, guys: the only time we were allowed in the kitchen when we were kids was to dry the dishes, fetch the Old Man another cold one or pass through on our way to take out the garbage. We were never allowed to play in the kitchen (well, never mind the incident of the turtle and the Tabasco sauce).

As for heredity, we males suffer from what has been identified by scientists (and what a kitchen they get to play in!) as refrigerator blindness, a genetic disorder similar to male pattern baldness. It renders us incapable of finding anything we are looking for when we are within a certain radius of a kitchen. The severity of its symptoms occurs in direct proportion to our distance from the kitchen. We can, for example, locate just about anything in the garage (far from the kitchen), but we often need help locating the TV remote in the den (adjacent to the kitchen).

We make no claims that this book can cure refrigerator blindness (thus allowing it to be published in something less than the two-year waiting period mandated by the FDA), we can help you lessen the severity of its symptoms and their impact on your personal and family life.

Now the environmental deficiencies we can do something about and thus begin to correct years of neglect and abuse.

The first step is acknowledging a huge world-wide conspiracy. And as with any really juicy conspiracy, this one involves not only those culprits we already suspect wives, mothers, sisters, the whole female crew but some good guys we would never think to implicate.

These heretofore unnamed and unindicted co-conspirators are none other than the TV chefs, the guys with their own cooking shows who have been selling us down the river all these years.

Think about it.

Youve finally concluded that there is no such thing as a largemouth bass. God knows what all those guys from Arkansas are throwing back into their lake, but nothing like that has ever bitten your hook and you own every piece of fishing tackle sold in North America including three really sexy ones available on cable channels airing only after your wife has gone to bed. So you search for a new hobby. Its time to turn to something more productive eating and closer to home eating. Game fish, Chain-o-Lakes or the New Jersey shore just dont have much to do with real life. Being a SNAG (sensitive New-Age guy), you start to think about cooking.

Sure, you do! And anyway, your wife has been nag uh, saying that if you dont start helping more around the house youre going to be sleeping with that largemouth bass in that scum-filled lake in Arkansas or Wisconsin or Manitoba or any handy leech-infested pond.

Or maybe youre single (again) and dead tired of eating cold ravioli out of the can. Perhaps youre on your own for the first time and looking for some apron strings you dont need to cut.

Whatever your motivation, you hear the kitchen calling. And now that youve reached this momentous decision (and all on your own, too!) you cant wait for Saturday. You plan to spend the entire day hunkered down in front of your local PBS station, sipping chilled Chardonnay see, youre getting the hang of it already and absorbing the entire spectrum of the culinary rainbow. Having warmed up on the wrestling match and superhero cartoons, you pace yourself through two gardening shows and a truly fascinating program on Venetian glass paperweights. Finally its time for the cooking block.

Five minutes into the first show reality hits like a cream pie in the puss. This bouffon has a batterie de cuisine like nothing youve ever seen. Hes got pots and pans and gizmos and gadgets youve never heard of. Mom didnt have any of this stuff and she could cook. Your wife doesnt have any of this stuff and she cooks all the time. Or do they? Could it be maybe thats why they keep you out of the kitchen: they dont want you to see their secret stuff!

Its the conspiracy, right? Not. Time for a reality check.

The cooking guys knives cost as much as your first car, and he tells you theyre the only ones that will cut meat? We dont think so. His pots are hand-made in some small walled country in the Pyrenees and conduct heat in some way that only he and the comestibles understand? A pleasant but unlikely conversation. Chef Gumbo needs ketchup, he makes ketchup from scratch. And a Dieu ne plaise he should open a can of beef broth when he can easily make a stock from bones and gristle in only three years, including breeding, raising, butchering and rendering the cow.