Borg Mark B - Irrelationship: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy

Special Praise for Irrelationship

Irrelationship crosses the frontier of self-help into a new area the authors call self-other help. The DREAM Sequence used for recovery from irrelationship is designed for couples to work together and help them reconnect with the wonderful chemistry and emotional connections that initially drew them to one another.

Diana Kirschner, PhD, best-selling author of Love in 90 Days

A well-written, informative, and entertaining volume that tells us much about ourselves in our loving and not-so-loving relationships with others. A book to read for those brave enough to look inside themselves for understanding.

Tom Gullotta, editor of Family Influences on Childhood Behavior and Development, author, and CEO of the Child and Family Agency

Written for individuals and couples who find their relationships to be unsatisfying, Borg, Brenner, and Berry do a masterful job of combining psychoanalytic theory with cutting edge research from neurobiology, all in completely non-jargon, understandable language. The authors identify factors that contribute to a sense of stuckness in relationships and use clinical vignettes to illustrate the difficulties and demonstrate ways to ameliorate the problems. Helpful for clinicians as well as laypeople.

Susan Kolod, PhD, Training and Supervising Analyst, William Alanson White Institute, and editor of Psychology Todays Contemporary Psychoanalysis in Action

Irrelationship is a new label for the old idea of dysfunctional relationships in dating, marital, or partnering couples. With many case studies, the authors describe forms of dysfunction stemming from a psychoanalytic perspective of carrying forward into adulthood the dysfunctional patterns that were formed unconsciously in childhood.

The road to recovery is stated in user-friendly, self-help terms that empower each person in the relationship to make changes and develop healthier ways of thinking and behaving through a mutuality of experience that permits the expression of love in all its wonderful, vital, unpredictable, and even downside forms, as the way to find continued growth and collaboration for both members of the couple.

Martin Bloom, PhD, Professor Emeritus, University of Connecticut, and editor of Encyclopedia of Primary Prevention and Health Promotion

Irrelationship is an invaluable users guide to the care and maintenance of adult relationships. It shines a light on challenges we often choose to ignorethe adoption of roles that limit us, the replaying of damaging patterns formed by our earliest experiencesand offers insightful and concrete advice on how to do the work necessary to build stronger and happier partnerships.

Carolyn Parkhurst, author of The Dogs of Babel and The Nobodies Album

Central Recovery Press (CRP) is committed to publishing exceptional materials addressing addiction treatment, recovery, and behavioral healthcare topics, including original and quality books, audio/visual communications, and web-based new media. Through a diverse selection of titles, we seek to contribute a broad range of unique resources for professionals, recovering individuals and their families, and the general public.

For more information, visit www.centralrecoverypress.com.

2015 by Mark B. Borg, Jr., Grant Hilary Brenner, and John Daniel Berry All rights reserved. Published 2015.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

Publisher: Central Recovery Press

3321 N. Buffalo Drive

Las Vegas, NV 89129

20 19 18 17 16 15 1 2 3 4 5

ISBN: 978-1-942094-01-2 (e-book)

Photos of Mark B. Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner, and Daniel Berry by Eric Jiaju Lee.

Publishers Note: This book contains general information about relationships, recovery, and related matters. The information is not medical advice and should not be treated as such. Central Recovery Press makes no representations or warranties in relation to the information in this book. If you have specific questions about any medical matter discussed in this book, you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.

Our books represent the experiences and opinions of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date. To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book have been changed.

Cover design and interior design and layout by Deb Tremper, Six Penny Graphics

To those beloved with whom I just take a walk every dayHaruna, Kata, and Uta.

Mark

For Marina, Quinn, and Reyd, who keep me on my toes.

Grant

To the King of my heartyou know who you are.

Danny

Table of Contents

Part One Irrelationship on Stage
Your Song-and-Dance Routine

Part Two Getting to Know You
Spotlight on the Performer and the Audience

Part Three Backstage
The Inner Workings of Irrelationship

Part Four Raising the Curtain on Recovery
From Irrelationship to Real Relationship

Part Five Encore
Cracked Open for Love

Our agent, Gareth Esersky, gets first mention. She saw what this book wasalmost before we didand guided us through the surprisingly complicated process of bringing our relatively simple and straightforward project to print and to the public eye. She never wavered in her encouragement and her belief in the works value.

Gareth turned us on to Ilene Segalove. Ilene, an artist and writer of considerable note, made no secret of how taken she was with our project. From her first reading, she knew how to shape the text to make it readable and usable. Her generosity of heart and mind warmed and encouraged us at points when warm and encouraged wasnt necessarily how we were feeling. Ilene also gave us insight into subtleties of the books revolutionary self-other help model, which nudged the manuscript in a direction we had not anticipated and much to its improvement.

Working with Central Recovery Press has been a pleasure, and not just for the spirit of the individuals who coached, taught, and mentored usValerie Killeen, Janet Ottenweller, and Nancy Schenckbut also for the shared values vital to having this project realized without compromise of ideas and ideals.

Eve Goldens expertise as a clinician as well as a writer and editor has been essential to our unpacking the psychoanalytic underpinnings of irrelationship. Her relationship with Mark Borg goes back many years, during which she has generously provided not only her talent but also her insightful, affectionate guidance through earlier projects that have culminated in this one.