Woody Allen - The Whore of Mensa

One thing about being a private investigator, youve got to learn to go with your hunches. Thats why when a quivering pat of butter named Word Babcock walked into my office and laid his cards on the table, I should have trusted the cold chill that shot up my spine.

Kaiser? he said. Kaiser Lupowitz?

Thats what it says on my license, I owned up.

Youve got to help me. Im being blackmailed. Please! He was shaking like the lead singer in a rumba band. I pushed a glass across the desk top and a bottle of rye I keep handy for nonmedicinal purposes.

Suppose you relax and tell me all about it.

You ... you wont tell my wife?

Level with me, Word. I cant make any promises. He tried pouring a drink, but you could hear the clicking sound across the street, and most of the stuff wound up in his shoes.

Im a working guy, he said. Mechanical maintenance. I build and service joy buzzers. You know those little fun gimmicks that give people a shock when they shake hands?

So?

A lot of your executives like em. Particularly down on Wall Street.

Get to the point.

Im on the road a lot. You know how it is lonely. Oh, not what youre thinking. See, Kaiser, Im basically an intellectual. Sure, a guy can meet all the bimbos he wants. But the really brainy women theyre not so easy to find on short notice.

Keep talking.

Well, I heard of this young girl. Eighteen years old. A Yassar student. For a price, shell come over and discuss any subject Proust, Yeats, anthropology. Exchange of ideas. You see what Im driving at?

Not exactly.

I mean my wife is great, dont get me wrong. But she wont discuss Pound with me. Or Eliot. I didnt know that when I married her. See, I need a woman whos mentally stimulating, Kaiser. And Im willing to pay for it. I dont want an involvement I want a quick intellectual experience, then I want the girl to leave. Christ, Kaiser, Im a happily married man.

How long has this been going on?

Six months. Whenever I have that craving, I call Flossie. Shes a madam, with a Masters in Comparative Lit. She sends me over an intellectual, see?

So he was one of those guys whose weakness was really bright women. I felt sorry for the poor sap. I figured there must be a lot of jokers in his position, who were starved for a little intellectual communication with the opposite sex and would pay through the nose for it.

Now shes threatening to tell my wife, he said.

Who is?

Flossie. They bugged the motel room. They got tapes of me discussing The Waste Land and Styles of Radical Will, and, well, really getting into some issues. They want ten grand or they go to Carla. Kaiser, youve got to help me! Carla would die if she knew she didnt turn me on up here.

The old call-girl racket. I had heard rumors that the boys at headquarters were on to something involving a group of educated women, but so far they were stymied.

Get Flossie on the phone for me.

What?

Ill take your case, Word. But I get fifty dollars a day, plus expenses. Youll have to repair a lot of joy buzzers. It wont be ten Gs worth, Im sure of that, he said with a grin, and picked up the phone and dialed a number. I took it from him and winked. I was beginning to like him.

Seconds later, a silky voice answered, and I told her what was on my mind. I understand you can help me set up an hour of good chat, I said.

Sure, honey. What do you have in mind?

Id like to discuss Melville.

Moby Dick or shorter novels?

Whats the difference?

The price. Thats all. Symbolisms extra.

Whatll it run me?

Fifty, maybe a hundred for Moby Dick. You want a comparative discussion Melville and Hawthorne? That could be arranged for a hundred.

The doughs fine, I told her and gave her the number of a room at the Plaza.

You want a blonde or a brunette?

Surprise me, I said, and hung up.

I shaved and grabbed some black coffee while I checked over the Monarch College Outline series. Hardly an hour had passed before there was a knock on my door. I opened it, and standing there was a young redhead who was packed into her slacks like two big scoops of vanilla ice cream.

Hi, Im Sherry. They really knew how to appeal to your fantasies. Long, straight hair, leather bag, silver earrings, no make-up.

Im surprised you werent stopped, walking into the hotel dressed like that, I said. The house dick can usually spot an intellectual.

A five-spot cools him.

Shall we begin? I said, motioning her to the couch. She lit a cigarette and got right to it. I think we could start by approaching Billy Budd as Melvilles justification of the ways of God to man, nest-ce pas?

Interestingly, though, not in a Miltonian sense. I was bluffing. I wanted to see if shed go for it.

No. Paradise Lost lacked the substructure of pessimism. She did.

Right, right. God, youre right, I murmured.

I think Melville reaffirmed the virtues of innocence in a naive yet sophisticated sense dont you agree? I let her go on. She was barely nineteen years old, but already she had developed the hardened facility of the pseudo-intellectual. She rattled off her ideas glibly, but it was all mechanical. Whenever I offered an insight, she faked a response: Oh yes, Kaiser. Yes, baby, thats deep. A platonic comprehension of Christianity why didnt I see it before? We talked for about an hour and then she said she had to go. She stood up and I laid a C-note on her.

Thanks, honey.

Theres plenty more where that came from.

What are you trying to say? I had piqued her curiosity. She sat down again.

Suppose I wanted to have a party? I said.

Like, what kind of a party?

Suppose I wanted Noam Chomsky explained to me by two girls?

Oh, wow.

If youd rather forget it...

Youd have to speak with Flossie, she said. Its cost you. Now was the time to tighten the screws. I flashed my private-investigators badge and informed her it was a bust.

What!

Im fuzz, sugar, and discussing Melville for money is an 802. You can do time.

You louse!

Better come clean, baby. Unless you want to tell your story down at Alfred Kazins office, and I dont think hed be too happy to hear it.

She began to cry. Dont turn me in, Kaiser, she said. I needed the money to complete my Masters. Ive been turned down for a grant. Twice. Oh, Christ.

It all poured out the whole story. Central Park West upbringing, Socialist summer camps, Brandeis. She was every dame you saw waiting in line at the Elgin or the Thalia, or penciling the words Yes, very true into the margin of some book on Kant. Only somewhere along the line she had made a wrong turn.

I needed cash. A girl friend said she knew a married guy whose wife wasnt very profound. He was into Blake. She couldnt hack it. I said sure, for a price Id talk Blake with him. I was nervous at first. I faked a lot of it. He didnt care. My friend said there were others. Oh, Ive been busted before. I got caught reading Commentary in a parked car, and I was once stopped and frisked at Tanglewood. Once more and Im a three time loser.

Then take me to Flossie.

She bit her lip and said, The Hunter College Book Store is a front.

Yes?

Like those bookie joints that have barbershops outside for show. Youll see.

I made a quick call to headquarters and then said to her, Okay, sugar. Youre off the hook. But dont leave town.

She tilted her face up toward mine gratefully. I can get you photographs of Dwight Macdonald reading, she said.

Some other time.

I walked into the Hunter College Book Store. The salesman, a young man with sensitive eyes, came up to me. Can I help you? he said.

Im looking for a special edition of Advertisements for Myself. I understand the author had several thousand gold-leaf copies printed up for friends.