Burana - I love a man in uniform: a memoir of love, war and other battles

Copyright 2009 Lily Burana

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the Publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information address Weinstein Books, 345 Hudson Street, 13th Floor, New York, NY 10014.

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ISBN: 978-1-60286-100-8

First eBook Edition

Opinions expressed by the author are not to be considered held by other figures who appear in the book, the United States Army, or the United States Department of Defense. In order to protect the privacy of certain individuals, names and identifying characteristics have been changed.

This book is dedicated to soldiers
and those who love them,
fighting all kinds of wars in all kinds of ways.

And, of course, to Mike.

I want to be with people who submerge in the task, who go into the fields to harvest and work in a row and pass the bags along, who stand in the line and haul in their places, who are not parlor generals and field deserters but move in a common rhythm.

Marge Piercy

I m being followed by an invisible woman. Pesky girl, she trails me almost everywhere I go. Shes not here at the moment, so I can tell you about her: shes probably baking something delicious in her spotless kitchen. Or writing a thank-you note, or packing up the tenth care package shes mailed to her deployed husband this month, or having an engaging but noncontroversial conversation with her girlfriends. Shes the Perfect Army Wife, a mythical creature who seamlessly, selflessly performs every domestic task with patriotic resolve that would make Uncle Sam sit down and weep Yankee Doodle tears. Shes mindful, graceful, emotionally composed, and eternally in the right. She never falters, and heavens to Betsy, she never swears. For all I know, once the sun sets, she dons a red, white, and blue cape and flies around military installations solving crimes. Because shes invisible, I cant tell you what she looks like, but I can tell you one thing: I hate that girl.

Understand that there is nothing in my suburban punkrock past that indicated that in 2002, I would marry an Army officer, thereby becoming an Army wife myself. My one connection to the military was tenuousmy dad was drafted into the Korean War, but that was long before I was born. In my family, my fathers stint in the Army was mentioned only in passing, like his former hobby of playing the saxophone or the fact that, when he packed out of sleepy little Sandusky County, Ohio, to attend Harvard on scholarship, his only suit was a helplessly out-of-date plaid. My husband was the first Army officer I had ever met. I was so military-ignorant, I didnt know how to even talk to a soldier. When he called me maam, I busted his chops. Did you call me that because youre trying to be polite, or because you think Im old?

Thus began the relationship between Army Guy and Anarchy Girl. Ours isnt a red stateblue state relationship more like red state and smash the state. It baffled everyone at first, especially me.

There are more than a million military wives in the United States today, and millions more women who are married to retired veterans, so it stands to reason that there would be one or two (or one or two thousand) wild cards. To be honest, Im hardly a Johnny Cashcaliber I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die badass, but Im not exactly glowing under the radiant light of my own halo, either. I do my best to make my way within a military lifestyle that is by turns rewarding, anxiety-making, exciting, and tough as hell.

Id never try to tell another woman how to be a military wife. Books like that already exist, and they are helpful. When I first married Mike, I read them all. Some taught me a ton; others scared the living daylights out of me. Nancy Sheas postwar-era classic The Army Wife told me to expect to be closely watchedand that my behavior, comportment, and hostess skills would be judged as an extension of my husbands career. As an officer has an efficiency report file in Washington, Shea writes, just so has his wife an unwritten efficiency report, unfiled but known, labeled, and catalogued throughout the service. The unwritten efficiency report may be the means of bringing special assignments of honor to an officer or it may deprive him of an enviable detail for which he has worked faithfully. If she is the stormy petrel type, or the too ambitious type, she may have hurt her husbands career permanently. In other words, if I messed up, my husbands professional prospects would suffer, so Id better mind the rules. The female cognate to the soldiers imperative to Man up when facing a challenge was Watch yourself, little lady. The book also told me that my trousseau required, among other things, girdles, hostess pajamas, and daytime dresses for cocktail parties with matching purses and hats. If this standard still held, I was in need of a massive wardrobe expansion and possibly a time machine.

I learned early on that such measures are no longer required to be an upstanding military wife. But over time, its been made clear to me that other standards may come into play. At a West Point luncheon one day last summer, a woman who has been an Army wife for fifteen yearsthe length of her husbands entire careersaid to me, You know, some of the other wives might not like you because you havent done the time. I felt as if Id been kicked in the chest. Not like me? For days afterward, I felt a sore spot whenever I thought of it. But if I would be judged for not having been married long enough, then another woman would be judged for having been married too longor too many times. Or because shes got too many tattoos, too many kids, or no kids at all. She works outside the home. Or she doesnt. Shes in the military, too. Or she isnt. Shes too emotional, or she comes off as cold. She seems a little wild, or shes too tame to trust. Its the classic judgment-go-round concealed in camouflage and wrapped in the flag. When faced with such scrutiny, you can raise your defenses, you can raise your middle finger, or you can raise the white flag. As for me, I surrender. I am who I am, and I present my take on life as an Army wife as mine alone.

Ill be blunt: Theres a Green Curtain rule in effect when it comes to communicating about the military with people who are strangers to that world. Unless shes a soldier herself, an Army wife is a civilian; still, a militaristic sense of discretion is expected of her. But six years into a tough war, I dont see an upside to sugarcoating the occasional hard truth. Weve got a strong Army made of strong soldiers, and the whole gig wont crumble from a little honesty or a dash of political incorrectness. Were a nation built on a foundation of free speech, and anyway, I doubt youd believe me if every page of this book broadcast, Hey, everythings 100 percent fine! 100 percent of the time! Beware of women bearing relentlessly good tidings.

Still, I do sometimes worry that Ill say something truly over the line, and the next thing I know, Mike will be handing out basketballs at the West Point gym and Ill be the fourth Dixie Chick. And because of OPSEC (Operations Security) regulations, there is some information that I simply cannot share. But I can give you a crash course in Army Wife 101how a soldier courts, talks, thinks. What its like to see your man off to war, and to welcome him home again, as is. I can share the emotional duress of a months-long deployment and the majesty of 200-plus years of tradition that lives on at the United States Military Academy at West Point. The trial of moving, and the thrill of a husbands promotion. The language, the rules (both written and implied), the customs, the joy, the anguish, and the searing, pulse-quickening pride. To know, and tend, the fierce heart that beats beneath an armed forces uniform. To watch soldiers go from being background noise to rock stars in the wake of national tragedy. To be married to the military during an exceptionally challenging war. And what its like to ponder the answers to the questions that shape every military marriage: