Murphy Colin - Whos Feckin Who in Irish History

(third century)

L ike Michael Jackson, bits of Cormac are real and other bits were added on to improve his image. The real bits are that he was a High King of Ireland, and a very good one at that, and the unreal bits are the legends associated with him, stuff about magical cups and wolves raising him and other malarkey.

It all started for Cormac when his grandfather, Connaughtman Olc Acha, decided to get on (High King) Art Mac Cuinns good side. So over a few tankards of ale he gave the king his daughter, Achtan being High King could have its advantages. No sooner was she preggers with Cormac than she had a dream involving her head being chopped off, a tree sprouting from her neck and then another tree sprouting from the first tree, which would be washed away by the sea. This was interpreted as meaning that Cormac would be High King, that the sea would somehow kill him and that Art would die in battle. Well, what other way could you look at it? Sure enough the randy oul king was chopped down by Lugaid Mac Con the next day, and he now became High King.

Legend takes over for a while and, in a tale strangely reminiscent of ancient Rome, Cormac is stolen by a she-wolf when hes a snapper and raised, Romulus and Remus-like, by wolves in a forest. But eventually a hunter finds him, takes the young lad back to his Mammy and he grows up to be a wise, merciful and handsome hunk, a fine catch for any Iron Age wench.

The next bit is probably part legend, part real. When he was 30, Cormac went to Tara, the seat of the High King, Lugaid, the guy whod killed his father. Ancient texts describe his looks at this point:

His hair was curled and golden. He stood in the full glow of beauty, without defect or blemish. You would think it was a shower of pearls that were set in his mouth; his symmetrical body was as white as snow; his eyes were like the sloe; his brows and eyelashes were like the sheen of a blue-black lance.

Or in modern Irish parlance, he was a bleedin ride.

At Tara, he made a judgement in a case involving a womans sheep, which had been confiscated by the High King because theyd eaten the queens woad. Painful as this sounds for the queen, woad was just a plant and Cormac decided that because the woad would grow back, as would the sheeps fleece, the woman should merely have lost her sheeps fleece, not the entire flock. The people applauded the wisdom of this so much that they gave Lugaid the boot.

Unfortunately the throne was then seized by another head-the-ball called Fergus Dubdtach, who drove Cormac back to Connaught. So Cormac made an alliance with a fearsome brute called Tadg Mac Cin, who marched against Fergus. Tadg and his men chopped off Ferguss brothers head. Wrong head. Then they chopped off Ferguss other brothers head. Wrong head again. Finally they chopped off the right head.

As a reward, Cormac told Tadg that he could have any land that he could encircle in a day; he must have been a hell of a charioteer, because he got half of northern Ireland.

Finally Cormac was High King, and his Mammys vision had been fulfilled. He married Eithne, who bore him 13 kids. Then, with Eithne no doubt banjaxed from all that child-bearing/rearing, he took a mistress called Ciarnait. Eithne, was pretty miffed, as you can imagine, so she forced Ciarnait to slave over a grindstone. Cormac is said to have built Irelands first watermill to save her from this chore.

When not bedding Eithne or Ciarnait, Cormac battered the crap out of any rival kings. He clattered Connaught and Munster into submission and is said to have conquered parts of Britain, which makes a nice change. His reign reputedly lasted for over 30 years during which he turned Tara into a fabulous palace and seat of learning, according to the ancient Irish annals. Cormac also had a book compiled, the Psalter of Tara, which chronicled all of Irish history and the ancient Brehon Laws, which would remain in use until the English arrived seven centuries later and screwed everything up. Unfortunately the Psalter of Tara has been lost, but there might be one preserved in a bog somewhere and if you happen to find it, its probably worth a few bob.

Poor Cormac was stuffing his gob with a salmon one night when he choked on a bone fulfilling his Mammys vision of his death by the sea somehow claiming him. Well, sort of.

Cormac was regarded as the greatest of all Irish kings. And the ancient texts say of him that he reigned majestically and magnificently. Wonder what future texts will say about our most recent bunch of leaders/gougers?

(died 405)

H e may be part fact, part fiction, part mythology, but one thing we say for certain is that Niall was definitely all man. In his time he kicked the arses of all the other Irish kings, terrorised the bejaysus out of the Brits, battered the merde out of the French and even had a go at the Roman Empire. He also bedded half the cailns in Ireland, and his sexual prowess is something we can prove scientifically.

Based on the written records, which come from documents composed long after hed bitten the bog, Niall was said to be a descendant of a dude called Conn of the Hundred Battles, so it seems hacking people to bits was in his blood. He hailed from the Donegal/Derry area and lived around the late fourth century. His father was Eochaid Mugmedn, High King of Ireland, who had five sons by two wives, polygamy being the order of the day. Wife 1, Mongfind, gave him four sons and Wife 2, Cairenn Chasdub, gave him Niall (Jaysus Eochaid, Mugmedn, Mongfind and Chasdub. What is this? Dickens?). It seems that when Mongfind fell out of favour and out of bed with the king, she grew jealous of her successor, the now-pregnant Cairenn, and so the oul bat made her do all the heavy work.

So one day poor Cairenn drops her sprog, and terrified of Mongfind, abandons the little mite. Luckily Niall is discovered by a poet called Torna, who raises him, and when he grows up, he returns to Tara and batters a few heads, freeing his mother from her toils. Naturally, Mongfind is seriously freaked out, so she nags Eochaid to name one of her sons as his successor. But the wise king devises various tests to choose who will plonk his arse on the throne. During one of these expeditions, the thirsty lads find a well guarded by an old hag with a face like a full skip. To drink at the well they must first kiss her. Only Niall will give the ugly old crone a proper seeing to, after which she magically turns into Miss Universe 378, and not only gives Niall a drink, but the kingdom, and the guarantee that 26 of his descendants will also be king. This bit about an ugly oul bag magically turning into a beautiful woman before a drink, suggests this is pure mythology, as making a horrible wagon appear gorgeous can usually only be achieved after drinking 20 pints.

Anyhow, after his Da died, Niall was proclaimed High King, and kindly gave smaller kingdoms to his big brothers Connaught for you, Munster for you etc. But they werent all happy with their lot and before you could disembowel a druid, they were at each others throats. Niall prevailed, but didnt overcome the powerful nnae Cennsalach, King of Leinster, and his son Eochaid.