Perez - Handbook for an unpredictable life: how i survived sister renata and my crazy mother, and still ... came out smiling

Copyright 2014 by Rosie Perez

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

CROWN ARCHETYPE with colophon is a trademark of Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Perez, Rosie.
Handbook for an unpredictable life : how I survived Sister Renata and my crazy mother, and still came out smiling (with great hair) / Rosie Perez. First edition.
1. Perez, Rosie, 2. ActorsUnited StatesBiography. 3. ChoreographersUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.

PN2287.P387A3 2013
791.43028092dc23

2013033958

ISBN 978-0-307-95239-4
eBook ISBN 978-0-307-95241-7

Jacket design by Michael Nagin
Jacket photographs: Eric Johnson

All photographs are courtesy of the author unless otherwise credited.

v3.1_r1

Dedicated to

Tia
Dad
All the kids from the Home

And My Mother

This book is based on my recollection of what went down and what was told to me by friends and family. Some names, characters, and situations have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. I hope you enjoy

The artist is born in the suffering child.

I SAW Israel Horovitz, the playwright, say this in the documentary I Knew It Was You: Rediscovering John Cazale, a celebration of the short career of the actor who played Fredo in The Godfather. I was moved by this comment, but angered too, because more often than not that clich is all too true, and one thing I will not be defined by is a clich.

I didnt really want to write about this story of mine. Yet I felt like I was supposed to write it, like it was a responsibility that I couldnt avoid. Its so hard to go there, you know? And I was always concerned that if and when I did tell my story, I would have to constantly defend my recollection of my truth. Unfortunately, I have family relations and folks who knew me when who, solely out of motives of fame, greed, or both, have jumped out of the woodwork to contest my truth and would do it again, which would only waste time and miss the point. And more important, I was concerned that people would pity me, and I dont want anyones pity. That is not the point either. The point is to get it out, to validate my feelings, to communicate how good it feels to no longer live in fear of what others may think, and to share my journey and move on. I have survived. And in writing my experiences I know that however sad it was, it is more or less the same story shared by a lot of people who are messed up as a result of a difficult childhood.

The abuse and neglect from my mother and the time I was forced to spend in Saint Josephs Catholic Home for Children, aka the Home, have affected a big part of my life. And Ive hated that fact. Im a forward-moving and positive-thinking person, and it was hard to have that albatross hanging around my neck. Ive hated my past so much that Ive spent countless hours downplaying or even hiding bits of the truth of my childhood in an attempt to make it seem less severe, less hurtful, less shameful, than it felt.

I hated the fact that my mother was crazy. I wanted her to be normal. Even when she acted normalsomething that many mentally ill people can do, despite what you see in the moviesI was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the insanity to hit. And when it hit, it hit hard and fastleaving deep emotional and physical scars.

People who are normal as a result of good parentingeven just decent parentingare very lucky. Yeah, I know, everyones hell is relative, and blah, blah, blah, but those people are very fortunate. Am I bitter? No, not at all. Every child should have a loving and stable upbringing. There would be less violence and hate, for sure. But most of us didnt, and regardless of what the experts say, trying to get past your past sucks. Most of us would rather just ignore it or numb it with any or all types of drugs, legal or illegal. Those of us who are a bit strongerand I say that without judgmenttry to avoid those options and deal with our past legitimately: through psychoanalysis, psychiatry, medications, spirituality, whatever. Truth be told, even when you work every day to do so, its hard to not lose it, or give up, or worse, fall into a depression.

Thats the worstdepression. Im a relatively happy person who also happened to be clinically depressed for years (sorry, that just cracks me up). I know that its probably hard for most people, especially those who know and love me, to fathom that, because Im a person whos usually in a good mood, cracking jokes or telling funny stories. And the good moods are absolutely, 100 percent authentic. Its just that there was this underlying feeling of blah, or sadness, or even fright, which at times I was aware of and at other times I was not. I refused to let this hold me down. I wanted to move on. I wanted to fully enjoy the wonderful life Ive worked so hard to obtain.

I finally resorted to seeking professional help, the one thing I had resisted for years. When my shrink diagnosed me with dysthymiaa sneaky, chronic type of depressionI was actually relieved. God bless America two times for that, as my Tia Ana would say. Its most common with people who suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Yeah, I had that one too. Still do. But now at least I had a starting place and could take some kind of ownership of the healing process.

After a couple of years of therapy, and I dont know exactly when or how it happened, I noticed that my depression wasnt there and the PTSD subsided considerably. I felt joyful, secure, and empowered. My inner strength and sense of self had never been stronger. I guess I allowed time to play its role, and I did my part by working hard on myself to grow past the pain. Gosh, I sound so full of shit there. Let me be more honest: I grew past most of the pain and continue to do the work. Every day gets better. xo

Rosie Perez
June 2013

THEY MET in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Although Ismael was married to his wife, Halo, at the time, he was on his way to his sisters, my Tia Anas house, to meet her girlfriend for a date. Yes, folks, a date. And my aunt cosigned. He was the quintessential Latin male when it came to women and romance, minus the machismo. It wasnt clear if the date knew that Ismael was married or not. He never really kept it a secret, but then again, he wasnt the first to volunteer that information eitheryou know what Im saying? It probably didnt matterthe man had mad game. Ismael wasnt gorgeous, but he was what people would call brutal-sexy, meaning not conventionally good-looking, but extremely attractive and charismatic. He could be very suave too, in an intentionally goofy way. He had this undeniable, unassuming, yet aggressive charm that would knock the most beautiful women off their feet.

Ismael had been a merchant marine during World War II, and in the Korean War after that, though he never wanted to talk about it. He hated war, but loved America, and he loved to wear his army jacket whenever he was not on a date. He always dressed sharp for his dateshe had mad style. After the wars were over, he spent half of his time out at sea, the other half in Puerto Rico with his wife, and whatever free time he had left in New York visiting Tia, but mainly living the life of a playboy.