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Powell - Historys Worst: 2000 Years of Idiocy

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V. 1. 1873-75: March, 1873: Cheyennes Eagle House burns ; Indians restless along the Chug [Chugwater] -- April, 1873: Ranchers on constant lookout for Indians ; White Clay mail carrier killed ; Bull train hauls 75,000 pounds freight per trip ; Rings for Lallee ; Gift wagons from Jules Ecoffee no account ; Echoes from the Modoc War ; Stage coach stalled, soldier freezes, in blizzard ; General Grant and family visit Cheyenne -- May, 1873: A loan from Hi Kelly ; Deep snow from Bear Springs to Cheyenne ; Cheyenne to Omaha by train, $31 ; The mystery of Little Mary ; Early oil discovery near Teapot Dome -- January, 1875: A blue financial outlook ; Lucky at cards ; trouble in Louisiana ; Sawing beef like ice at 51 below zero ; Government pays eight cents for meat ; Bids $1680 per annum on mail route from Medicine Bow to Ft. Fetterman -- February, 1875: History of Bordeaux ; The murder of Baptiste Ladeau ; Six Mile Ranch favorite spot for killings ; Cy Williams sells his life dearly ; Missouri Jim frosts his ears and gets a grubstake ; Jim Harwood, John Boyd go for blacksmith, return slightly inebriated ; Roundup in Goshen Hole ; Jim Hunton out all night looking for ponies ; Driving Painted Horn beeves to Ft. Fetterman ; Lallees allowance -- March, 1875: 102 cow hides a heavy load, sell for $5.50 each in Cheyenne ; Gold excitement and trouble brewing in the Black Hills -- April, 1875: Pants for three brothers, $35 ; Butchers wage, $50 per month ; Why 80-year-old bridge across Platte [River] is still sturdy ; Wins chairs in raffle, trades with Speed Stagner for rug ; A bad night at cards ; Butcher Fischer has the Quinzy [quinsy] ; Broken legs for Ward and Jim Lane ; Numpa [Nampa?] says Indians will fight for Black Hills ; An adventure with Lallee -- May, 1875 : A peace conference that failed ; Spring roundup ; Brooks sells out to Guiterman [Getermann] ; Charles E. Clay, Huntons contemporary ; A military expedition -- June, 1875: Walker & Johnson gather 934 beeves ; Indians steal horses on Rock Creek and Laramie Plains ; Gathering wire near Old Fort Casper ; Cavalry unable to cross Platte, returns to Ft. Fetterman ; Horse racing and liquor ; Griffins Ranch burned -- July, 1875: A master wagon maker ; Eleven bull teams on the road ; A meeting at the Natural Bridge ; Surveyor Hammond recovers stolen horse ; History of Bridgers ferry ; Mrs. W.G. Bullock, descendant of George Washington ; Lallee goes visiting ; Gen. [General] Crook passes north -- August, 1875: Telegraph to Fetterman down ; Indians steal Malcomb [Malcolm] Campbells horses, kill old man ; Haying on Box Elder and the Chug ; Whitehead prospecting party see Indians, come to Huntons ranch ; Exodus of officers from Fort Fetterman ; Making adobe brick ; Tom Hunton survives serious illness ; Indian Commission at Ft. Laramie -- September, 1875: Three steers for $100 ; Six weeks provisions for hay crew ; Jules Ecoffey robbed in Cheyenne ; Election at 3-Mile Ranch, Lallee votes too ; Lallee ill on LaPrele, Dr. Gibson attends her ; Indians ugly at Agency Council, kill man on Laramie, attack hay train at Bridgers Ferry, cavalry set out -- October, 1875 : Lallee recovers, return to Bordeaux ; Bullock and Phillips bondsmen for Hunton ; Bull calves, $38; steers, 3 pound ; A boil where it hurts, especially on horseback ; Swan buy cattle on LaBonte ; Freight business hits slump, bull trains go after poles ; Cheyenne and Arapahoe Indians visit Ft. [Fort] Fetterman ; Butchering and making sausage ; Powell, Smith, and Lord haul military baggage ; Two pioneers in their later years [Malcolm Campbell, Earnest Logan] -- November, 1875: a bargain to hold hay bottom ; Log floor for Malcomb Campbells house ; 26 work cattle lost, train rumbles on with remaining 64 ; Women and trouble at Fishers, Cully lands in guard house, Roe in hospital ; Bargains at quarter masters sale ; Jim Sanders brings gold out of Black Hills worth $19.45 an ounce ; New iron bridge across Platte at Fort Laramie nears completion ; A telegram about Mary -- December, 1875: The story of Little Bat ; An elk hunt in 1875 -- Distance tables.;v. 1. 1873-75 -- v. 2. 1876-77 -- v. 3. 1878-79 -- v. 4. 1880-82 -- v. 5. 1883-84.;V. 2. Part two, 1877 : January : General Crook, back from the wars, passes to Cheyenne ; Borrows hay press from Senator Kendricks future father-in-law ; Frank Gruard [Grouard], The Sandwich islander who passed for a Sioux ; Horse herd on Spear Fish stolen by Indians ; Deputy Marshal Fisher after horse thief ; Heavy travel and troop movements through Bordeaux, Cross roads of the west ; A stabbing affray at John Owens ranch ; Many Chinamen traveling to the Black Hills ; Seventeen passengerss on coach, including Deputy Fisher and prisoner McGinnis ; Luke Voorhees, Pioneer Stage operator, whose Treasure Coach carried fortunes in gold ; Circulating petition for Post Office at Bordeaux ; Frank Ecoffey on Cheyenne coach with two prisoners ; Indians steal Portugee Phillips and Hi Kellys horses, kill trapper on Cottonwood ; Charly Clay wintering his work cattle on running water ; Nagle & Swan offer $200 reward for stage robbers, dead or alive ; Last Indian depredations in the Laramie region ; Hay price at Fr. Fetterman $60 ton ; Daily coach planned to the Hills, more stable room needed at Bordeaux -- February : Builds house on Tom Huntons homestead ; Bailing hay on the Nick Janis ranch ; General Miles wins victoory on the Yellowstone ; small pox at fort Laramie, one man dies ; Alvah W. Ayers finds Charly Clays work cattle ; John LaMotte gets $40 a month job ; Another prophetic dream, jealous women fighting over him ; Domestic crisis, goes buggy riding with E, Lallee leaves him ; Hay bales weighed 200 pounds, eight-wagon bull train hauls 34 tons to Ft. Fetterman ; Indian scare at Fagans ranch ; Hay for Luke Voorhees stage line at $32 ton ; Thirteen dollar hay brings $60 baled and delivered at Ft. Fetterman ; Britisher badgered at hay camp ; Train attacked on Black Hills Road, one killed, Ft. Laramie troops to rescue ; Horse stealing along the Laramie and Platte, other indian depredations ; Confides his trouble with Lallee to her brother, Little Bat ; Tells Squaw to go, suffers pangs of regret, would rather have seen her die ; W.G. Bullock disapproved for post trader appointment, his squaw record hurt him ; Velvet har, Brass heeled shoes and Merino hose for some lady -- March : Transportation magnates of pre-railroad days ; William Pye steals Jims money and flees, the boys bring him back ; Eternal triangle, hears Lallee has been toying with Joe Morris ; Squaw camp on the Laramie ; Sends Lallee to reservation, but she does not stay there ; Building new stage station at Bordeaux ; F.M. Phillips throws his squaw away but keeps the children ; Anguish for nothers when red and white mates parted ; Buying cattle for Indian beef ; Eula Wulfjen [Mrs. John B. Kendrick] traveled the Texas trail in 73 at age of fifteen months ; Eighteen below zero in March ; Heavy stage coach travel through Bordeaux to Black Hills ; Indians surrendering horses and guns at Red Cloud Agency ; General Crook relaxes at Ft. Laramie ; Lallee had a sewing machine ; Road agents did not molest the lady ; Making shoes for work cattle ; The remarkable Johnny Owens, Twenty notches on his gun ; Tom Hunton first Postmaster at Bordeaux ; McQuade kills the Jacksons -- April : Lure of Black Hills gold spreads over the nation ; Johnny Slaughter, stage driver, killed by road agents ; Col. Carpenter conducted tours for miners ; Hunton brothers qualify to handle mail ; John Boyd builds Homestead House ; Indians stealing horses on Bear Creek ; D.H. Russell buys a $60 bull ; An irrigation system at Bordeaux ; Capt. Van Vliets stallion brings $150 ; Small pox victims left at Chugwatter by Army train ; Cold, wet journey from Bordeaux to Ft. Fetterman ; Capt. Pollock survived the Frontier Wars to die in fall down stairs -- May : Crazy Horse surrenders his warriors but not his spirit, sought death and found it ; John R. Smith turn the table, shoots bandit who came to rob him ; Beef bids for Forts Fetterman and Reno ; Andy Sullivans bones found by roundup party, he was Governor Sinmpsons great uncle ; Ton Hunton sick, treated by doctor passing to the Hills ; Bordeaux Irrigation system completed ; James Monroe helped build Cow Hide Dam across the Chug ; Chinamen bring lauandry service to Black Hills miners ; Roundup crew dissatisfied, maybe the cook was on a toot ; Posey Wilson sues, attaches hay money ; Billy Bacon and Jack Sanders [Saunders] rubbed each other out ; Little Bat finds Bob horse in Indian hands ; Lallee, Old Squaw and Little Bat visit Hi Kelly ; Political plum, Sutlers and post traders had monopoly at frontier posts ; Horse thieves go too far, steal Judge Hauphoffs stock ; Lallee again sent agency, again she does not stay ; Andy Carr recovers some of his horses from Indians ; John Owens buys $30 bull calf ; Thirty dollars a month job for Newcomb.

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History s

Worst

2000 Years
of Idiocy

Adam Powell

Historys Worst 2000 Years of Idiocy - image 1

Robert D. Reed Publishers Bandon, Oregon

Adam Powell once again rewrites history with this inspired comic collection of frauds and fanatics.

~ Brian Huggett, editor of People of Few Words Anthology

Copyright 2014 by Adam Powell

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher or copyright holders, except for a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review; nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or other, without written permission from the publisher or copyright holders.

Robert D. Reed Publishers

P.O. Box 1992

Bandon, OR 97411

Phone: 541-347-9882; Fax: -9883

E-mail:

Website: www.rdrpublishers.com

Cover Designer: Cleone Reed

e-Book Designer: Susan Leonard

All photos in this book belong in the public domain. Most of them were found on www.wikimedia.org.

Designed and Formatted in the United States of America

To my wife Carmen, who makes everything possible

Table of Contents

Introduction

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and Im not sure about the universe.

~ Albert Einstein

If theres a theme to this book it can be summed up by Douglas Adams He once - photo 2

If theres a theme to this book it can be summed up by Douglas Adams. He once wrote, It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do itanyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. There are exceptions of course, but for every Lincoln there are a dozen Warren Hardings. Monarchs, chosen by genetic lottery, dont seek powertheyre just corrupted by it. Even Nero made a decent start to his reign before descending into megalomania.

Historys Worst was written in response to the many best ofs collections. Ive always found failure a far more interesting topic. From the king who thought he was made of glass to the dictator turned voodoo godidiocy provides us with an endless source of comedy.

Part One

Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know

1.

Uneasy Heads, Historys Maddest Monarchs

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

~ William Shakespeare, King Lear

Why has madness been such an occupational hazard for royalty? Inbreeding doesnt help; some of them were so genetically challenged they might have auditioned for Deliverance . Then there are the pressures of the job. Imagine being constantly watched for twenty-four hours a day; is it any wonder so many became paranoid?

George III of Great Britain

(reigned 1760-1820)

George seems to have been a normal child He was a slow learner but that wasnt - photo 3

George seems to have been a normal child. He was a slow learner but that wasnt unusual for the British Royal family. In fact, he was the most boring monarch in Europe when he was young. No hobby was too tedious. George was at his happiest discussing farming techniques or his model ship collection.

His first attack of madness came in 1788, and he suffered relapses for the rest of his life. Doctors now believe it was porphyriaa rare, hereditary disease made worse by the eighteenth century diet. During his attacks Georges moods swung from deeply gloomy to ecstatically manic, when he would talk until his mouth foamed. He imagined London was drowning or spoke to people long-since dead. He mistook a tree in Hyde Park for the King of Prussia. Public engagements became a source of embarrassment. George once started a speech with the words My Lords and Peacocks.

At the end of his life he cut a pathetic figure, wandering around his apartments mumbling nonsense and non sequiturs to anyone whod listen.

Charles II of Spain

(reigned 1665-1700)

I am bewitched and I well believe it; such are the things I experience and suffer.

~ Charles II

The Habsburgs always swam in the shallow end of the gene pool First cousins - photo 4

The Habsburgs always swam in the shallow end of the gene pool. First cousins got hitched; uncles wed nieces. Prospective brides were sized up at family reunions, resulting in a history of mental and physical abnormalities. Charles father, Philip IV, carried on the long Habsburg tradition of keeping it close and married his niece. This might explain the life of poor Charles II. Deformed and imbecilic, even by his familys standards, he found talking and writing intellectually challenging. His jaw was so misshapen he struggled to eat solid foods.

In the hope of continuing the family line he was married to a French royal. The marriage proved childless and she took to overeating, eventually gorging herself to death.

Charles end came in 1700. Not yet forty but already senile, he brought Habsburg rule to a close in Spain.

Maria I of Portugal

(reigned 1777-1816)

Queen Maria, fancying herself damned for all eternity, therefore on the strength of its being all over for her, eats barley and oyster stew Fridays and Saturdays and indulges in conversations of a rather unchaste nature.

~William Beckford

Lunacy frequently knocked on the door of the Portuguese royal family and strangest of all was Maria I. She became religiously obsessed after her husband (also her uncle), two of her children, and her confessor died in quick succession. Maria was convinced she was going to hell and attended mass several times a day. She suffered from severe melancholia and terrible nightmares. She would often run around the corridors crying, Ai Jesus! According to the writer William Beckford, she saw images of her dead father, in color black and horrible, erected on a pedestal of molten iron, which a crowd of ghastly phantoms were dragging down.

In 1807, the royal family fled to Brazil after Napoleons invasion. This did little to ease her troubled mind. Some native dancers turned out to welcome her in traditional costumes, but Maria believed she had finally arrived in hell and was being attacked by demons. After that she was confined to a convent until her death.

Frederick William I of Prussia

(reigned 1713-1740)

The most beautiful girl or woman in the world would be a matter of indifference to me, but tall soldiersthey are my weakness.

~ Frederick William I

Frederick William was a highly effective, if cruel, ruler, but his weird and obsessive behavior qualifies him for this list.

His ambition was to make Prussia a first-rate European power. In order to do this, he wanted Prussians to be as hardworking, frugal, and disciplined as he was. He would walk around Berlin with a stick beating anyone he felt slacking, or would rip the clothes off women who were expensively dressed. Frederick William was so miserly he made the Queen do the washing up.

His moods grew darker with age. He was sometimes seized by terrible depressions when he would sit alone and cry or hed lash out at anyone for the slightest mistake. His son Fritz was made to grovel publicly on the floor and kiss his fathers boots.

Frederick Williams one extravagance was his army. He built up a huge force, taking particular pleasure in recruiting tall soldiers. He named them his blue boys because of their bright uniforms, and would kidnap youths over a certain height. So in awe was he of his giants, Frederick William refused to deploy them in battle in case they were killed. He preferred to march them around his bedroom.

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