Holly Madison - Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny

There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, Ill write one.

Lewis Carroll, Alices Adventures in Wonderland

To my husband, Pasquale, and my daughter, Rainbow, for all your love, support, and inspiration.

To my collaborator, the amazing Leslie Bruce, who taught me so much and helped me put some painful memories on paper in the most fun way possible.

To Matthew Elblonk, who made this book happen in the right way, making a big dream of mine come true!

To everyone at HarperCollins, thank you for this amazing opportunity. To Denise Oswald, for being the perfect editor, asking all the right questions and leaving no stone unturned. To Trish Daly, Susan Amster, Joseph Papa, Kendra Newton, and Michael Barrs for all your hard work.

To Sue Madore for all your help getting this book out there.

To Jason Verona for keeping all my best interests in order.

To Max Stubblefield, who got this project rolling.

To everyone who was at E! in 20052011, without whom this story wouldnt be possible. Ted Harbert, Lisa Berger, Jason Sarlanis, Brent, PJ, John, and so many morethank you for turning that time in my life into such an amazing opportunity.

To Virgine for taking such great care of Rainbow while I worked on this book and to Gina for keeping my life together.

To my dear friends Bridget, Ashley, Josh, Claire, Angel, Vic, Becca, Tanya, Mike, and Alex for your support every day.

To Denise Truscello for the wonderful cover photo, so many of the photos in this book, and your invaluable friendship.

To my mom, dad, Stephanie, and Joe for all your support through the years.

Holly Madison spent five seasons on the top-rated E! hit reality show The Girls Next Door before landing the leading role in the Las Vegas Strip smash hit Peepshow . She also starred in two seasons of her own E! hit series Hollys World . With her husband and daughter, Holly divides her time between Las Vegas and Los Angeles.

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D ont you miss the mansion? squealed a round-faced, wholesome-looking 20-something girl in a high-pitched voice.

Um, I started, unsure of how to answer her politely. No... ? I said, offering her a halfhearted smile.

Here I was, an independent, successful woman, making millions of dollars a year (all on my own), headlining a hit show on the Las Vegas Strip, coproducing and starring in my own television show, and this woman was asking me if I missed the mansion?

Clearly the public perception of the life I shared with Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Mansion was a far, far cry from the actual reality I experienced.

This question wasnt really that uncommon. Fans would regularly ask me about my time living what they assumed was this lavish, decadent life in Holmby Hills and whether I regretted my decision to leave.

Hef really fucked up when he let you go, a young fan said, shaking her head, at a Las Vegas meet-and-greet. That was another one I was regularly on the receiving end of.

Its okay, I would always say. Im much better off now.

I couldntand still cantbelieve that these adult women were actually serious. While filming the E! reality series The Girls Next Door, I never thought of myself (or my two costars) as role models or anyone to be taken seriously.

I thought people were just laughing at us. I thought of us as walking advertisements: Dont try this at home, kids.

Im not stupid. I know how unsavory that whole situation was. You could read it all over my unsmiling face. Cameras often caught me rolling my eyes or looking totally uninterested. As if I didnt feel trapped enough, I built up a wall around me. Id gotten myself into a bad situation, but I became distinctly aware that was not the impression fans walked away with.

The show was the epitome of mindless reality television, which was fine. We all have our guilty pleasures that we like to unwind with at the end of the day. There is something underneath the surface that isnt okay about it, though. Around the turn of the millennium, it became fashionable for women to appear stupidto get by solely on their looks and to be concerned only with fame and materialism. Some of the effects of that moment in the zeitgeist still linger today.

And somewhere along the way, I too bought into the ludicrous fantasy... perhaps even more so than others.

While there was a part of me that acknowledged the idiocy and superficiality that surrounded me, I fell for the glamour: hook, line, and sinker. It took years for me to realize just how manipulated and used I had been. I could never admit that to myself at the time, because to do so would have been to acknowledge how dark and scary a situation I was in... and how very little in control I was.

Im an adult. Im here because I choose to be. Im here for adventure, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Im here as a stepping-stone to something else, I routinely told myself. And perhaps the biggest disillusion: Im here for love.

Deeper and deeper I fell down the rabbit hole.

Many people may think that Im biting the hand that fed me and that I should be grateful for the opportunity Girls Next Door and Playboy afforded me. And while I am grateful, its also clear to me that most people fail to realize that there are two sides to every coin and that even the most fantastic fairy tale has a dark underbelly. Being attached to Playboy can make people not want to have anything to do with you, even in quirky, crazy Hollywood. There were many times the hateful backlash made me wish I stayed the broke, awkward 21-year-old waitress Id been before Hef came into my life.

When I finally did find the strength to leave the mansion, I began receiving lucrative offers to reveal my version of events, but I never pursued them. I wasnt interested in writing a sensational tell-all for the sole purpose of exposing someone elses strange habits and dirty secrets (dont worry, youll find those things here, but in the context of something bigger). I wanted to have my own story to tell, too.

To this day, it astounds me the number of misconceptions that abound about my life and my experiences while at the mansion. Usually, the version of the story most flattering to Hef is the one that prevails.

Ive seen both sugarcoated and sensationalized accounts of life at the mansion, but nothing Ive ever read remotely resembles what I actually experienced. I always thought it would be classy to not kiss and tell... but after a while you just get sick of having other people trying to tell your story for you.