Anna Maravelas - Creating a Drama-Free Workplace: The Insiders Guide to Managing Conflict, Incivility & Mistrust

This edition first published in 2020 by Career Press, an imprint of
Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
With offices at:
65 Parker Street, Suite 7
Newburyport, MA 01950
www.redwheelweiser.com
www.careerpress.com

Copyright 2020 by Anna Maravelas

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.

Names and places have been changed to protect privacy. Previously published in 2005 as How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress by Career Press, ISBN 978-1-56414-818-6

ISBN: 978-1-63265-157-0

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
available upon request

Cover design by Kathryn Sky-Peck
Cover photograph Gcpics | Dreamstime.com
Interior photos/images by Anna Maravelas
Interior by Gina Schenck
Typeset in Minion Pro

Printed in Canada
MAR

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

www.redwheelweiser.com/newsletter

To Ben Maravelas Martin and Nancy Olga Jannik for their love, and fierce devotion to these ideas.

Chapter 1
Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

Chapter 2
The Stinky Twins: Blaming Others, Blaming Self

Chapter 3
The Reflective Assumption: A Pathway to Dialogue and Data

Chapter 4
The Triggers and Costs of Adversarial Factions

Chapter 5
Stories that Stick

Chapter 6
The Invisible Costs of Contempt

Chapter 7
Strategies for Calming Others, Calming Self

Chapter 8
Reciprocity: The Most Reliable Predictor of Behavior

Chapter 9
Five Root Causes of Workplace Conflict and Tension

Chapter 10
Open the Dialogue

Chapter 11
You Can Be Successful or Self-Righteous

Chapter 12
Create Cultures of Appreciation, Respect, Pride, and High Morale

I've kept your materials in the top drawer of my
desk for seven years and three promotions.

Graham Holden

The behaviors that destroy trust and connectedness are found in every workplace. When toxic behaviors, such as gossip and mean-spirited speculation rise, we can respond in one of three ways. We can join in and add to the downward spiral of negativity, assume change is not possible and ignore the undercurrent of tension, or we can gather up our courage, raise our collective awareness, and move in the opposite direction. This book is testimony to the third choice.

In the process of resolving more than 300 workplace conflicts, I saw time and again that the human longing for respect and dignity is deep and pervasive. Yet I have met thousands of individuals struggling with hostility and mistrust.

We deserve and desire climates of respect, and by reading this book, you will discover why connectedness and trust slips through our fingers, despite our yearnings for relationships grounded in respect and success. You will learn to avoid the common but devastating missteps that 100 percent of my clients have made.

By adopting the strategies in this book you can eliminate workplace drama, boost your career, enhance your health, and increase your well-being. In the stories that follow, you will discover how to transform tension and hostility into connectedness and build relationships that enhance your life and success.

You will see that when we disagree, two disparate reactions, reflective or reflexive, wrestle for our allegiance. The negativity bias of the brain, which is deep-seated and constantly scanning for threat, tilts us toward irritability and annoyance. However, we can become sensitized to this well-intended but troublesome bias, and consciously choose to react with curiosity and concern instead.

I stumbled across the importance of these insights only because I had the privilege of working with relationships on the razor's edge of permanently dissolving, and helping untangle and heal escalated conflicts.

I found the same handful of missteps in every situation, and I was so taken by the significance, yet little known nature, of these seemingly innocent behaviors that I created a seminar to help employees and leaders avoid the common errors that destroy trust. The classes were an immediate hit and have remained so for twenty years. I've turned the essence of our seminars into this script.

This book is broad enough to take in the current landscape of hostility, yet specific enough that you will learn exactly what to do when you face blame, anger, avoidance, and adversarial factions.

Having the ability to convert conflict into connection affects the outcome of every challenge, interaction, and opportunity. Being able to turn irritability into curiosity and concern will enhance your career, relationships, and well-being.

These solutions are compelling answers to universal dilemmas, and you will discover why my clients have often lamented, Why didn't someone tell me this before?!

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more
complex and more violent. It takes a touch of genius,
and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction.

Albert Einstein

When goals go awry, the temptation to blame others is a plucky con-artist that insidiously weaves itself into the fabric of our workplaces. Often, with the implicit support of our organizations, us vs. them mentalities walk out the front door with our most precious assets: trust, morale, talent, and productivity.

In the following pages, you will find step-by-step strategies for avoiding, or extracting yourself from, conflict-driven drama and hostility in the workplace.

We are painfully aware that positive energy is diminishing in our society and world, and loneliness is on the rise. The workplace is somewhat shielded by societal trends, but it is not immune, and many of us experience a steady erosion of good-natured camaraderie at work. As one client put it, Relationships aren't what they used to be.

Whenever anxiety and stress dominate a society, self-righteous indignation, irritability, and blame beckon with the false promise of relief.

If we fail to stem the tide of disrespect, our collective future is frightening. Imagine a society that becomes more and more dominated by hostility, rage, incivility, and mistrust.

Many individuals are resigned to increased hostility in our world. Perhaps civility and respect is pass, old-fashioned, or a remnant of a more innocent time that we'll never see again. But no reasonable person wants this trend to continue.

With skill and courage, we can make our workplaces a haven from, rather than an extension of, escalated conflict, incivility, and disrespect.

If you adopt and practice the strategies in this book, you'll experience a decrease in anger and depression, benefit from better health and resiliency, hone your ability to painlessly resolve tough issues, preserve alliances that are critical to your career and well-being, and create a legacy of achievement, integrity, and respect.