Leslie Becker-Phelps - Bouncing Back from Rejection: Build the Resilience You Need to Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down

All of us hurt when we are rejected. But for some, this experience is so crushing that it is not clear how to ever bounce back. In this well-written and carefully crafted book, Leslie Becker-Phelps invites readers on a psychological and social journey in which rejection and fear of rejection are allowed to shine a light on how we relate to our own experience. All of itincluding our sensations, thoughts, emotions, actions, and the mentalization of ourselves and others. By learning to take a self-compassionate approach to experience, the reader is shown in a step-by-step way how to turn rejection into greater attachment and connectionwith others and with your deeper self.

Steven C. Hayes, PhD , Foundation Professor in the department of psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno; codeveloper of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT); and author of A Liberated Mind

This book is very helpful for those who have recently been rejected or who would just like to have healthier relationships with others. Grounded in solid psychological theory and research, it unpacks why we get stuck in old patterns and how to get unstuck. Highly recommended.

Kristin Neff, PhD , associate professor in the department of educational psychology at The University of Texas at Austin

This book gets right to the heart of overcoming rejection sensitivitycompassionate self-awareness. Using exercises that are easy to apply in daily life, Becker-Phelps offers a positive pathway to feeling more safe and secure in our relationships. She also unpacks in accessible prose the important connections between attachment theory and self-compassion practice. Highly recommended!

Christopher Germer, PhD , Harvard Medical School/Cambridge Health Alliance; author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion ; and coauthor of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook

Bouncing Back from Rejection is a wonderful primer for anyone who is struggling with rejection and is curious about gently attending to these sensitivities. By tapping into our basic human needs for love and belonging, Becker-Phelps offers practical and compassionate ways to redirect attention away from chronic self-criticism and toward cultivating a deep sense of self-worth, security, and self-kindnessultimately fostering resilience for the quirky challenges of being part of the human family.

Tara Cousineau, PhD , staff psychologist at Harvard University Counseling Center; senior faculty at the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion, Cambridge Health Alliance, Cambridge, MA; and author of The Kindness Cure

This book first reveals the immense power that fear of rejection can have over us. Then, clearly and compassionately, Leslie Becker-Phelps shares the puzzle piecesawareness, reflection, and reframingthat can release our fear and create a newfound sense of freedom.

Sharon Salzberg , cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society, and author of Real Happiness and Lovingkindness

For anyone struggling with actual or perceived rejection by others, this book provides a lifeline. Leslie Becker-Phelps clearly understands the issue, including its anticipation and painful aftereffects. She offers a variety of very practical strategies for making changes based on an integration of contemporary treatment and self-help approaches. A book that compassionately and comprehensively attends to a topic that gets far too little attention.

Christine A. Courtois, PhD, ABPP , licensed psychologist in private practice (now retired); consultant and trainer in trauma psychology and trauma treatment; coauthor of Treating Complex Trauma , with Julian Ford; and author of Healing the Incest Wound

Bouncing Back from Rejection will help you uncover the courage, self-worth, and resilience that are naturally at the foundation of who you are. Take your time with it, absorb it into your life, and watch the gifts grow.

Elisha Goldstein, PhD , founder of the Mindful Living Collective, and creator of A Course in Mindful Living

In Bouncing Back from Rejection , the generous and passionate author gives us all she has, drawing on the science of attachment, mindfulness, and compassion-focused imagery. Feelings of rejection are at the heart of so much of our emotional suffering. What better path, than a path to self-acceptance, inner security, and kindness?

Dennis Tirch, PhD , founder of The Center for Compassion Focused Therapy, associate clinical professor at Mount Sinai, and author of The ACT Practitioners Guide to the Science of Compassion

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2019 by Leslie Becker-Phelps

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Jennye Garibaldi

Edited by Karen Levy

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

Contents

Foreword

Why do we need a book about moving from rejection to resilience? Its because we humans didnt evolve to be happy. Instead, our brains evolved to help us survive and reproduce. Activities that contribute to surviving and reproducinglike eating, keeping warm, and having sexinstinctively feel good. Experiences that threaten our survivalsuch as being injured, thirsty, too cold, or too hotfeel bad. Any of our ancestors who didnt share these reactions, who werent hard-wired to act in ways that supported survival and reproduction, didnt get to pass their DNA on to us.

In prehistory, one of the greatest threats to our survival was rejection. Imagine our ancestors, living in groups of 25 to 50, roaming from place to place on the African savanna one hundred thousand years ago. They needed one another to hunt for food, for protection from hostile animals, and for mutual care when someone fell ill or was injured. To be rejected from the tribe was a death sentenceno one lasted long alone on the savanna.

Any of our ancestors whose brains hadnt evolved to dislike rejection would have alienated others, been thrown out of the tribe, and died without heirs. So we didnt inherit their DNA. Instead, we inherited the genes of ancient hominids who survived by worrying a lot about being accepted and included.

Even in modern times, being accepted matters a lot. We humans are born completely dependent on adults. As infants, we cant eat, keep warm, or protect ourselves from injury without adult care. One of our very first survival tasks after taking our first breath is to find a way to connect safely to adults who will care for us. To this day, having a brain that is hungry for acceptance and fearful of rejection is essential for our survival.

But while our instinct to avoid rejection has had enormous survival value, it sure causes a lot of unnecessary suffering. When someone we know passes us on the street or in a hallway and doesnt say hello, what happens in our heart and mind? When a friend doesnt call or we find out about a party to which we werent invited, how do we feel? When our colleague gets the promotion and we dont, what goes through our mind?

While sometimes were able to consider that our acquaintance was preoccupied, that there wasnt room to invite everyone to the party, or that our colleague deserved the advance more, most of the time we also feel disappointmentor worse. We may go into a tailspin, wonder what we did to alienate the other person, muse about why were not part of the in-crowd, or feel inadequate about our skills. We can easily suffer a self-esteem crash that makes it hard to see our situation objectively and may lead us into a cycle of withdrawal or avoidance that robs us of opportunities to fully engage in our lives.