Alan Garner - Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness

Copyright 2017 by Alan Garner. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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To my parents

To the teachers, colleagues, and friends who have enriched both this book and my life:

Gary Goldstein, Jack Curtis, Joanne Dolinar, and Elisabeth Jakab, my editors

Dean George Blanc and Kris Lauderdale, Orange Coast College

Dean John Wordes, Golden West College

Dr. Dominic LaRusso, University of Oregon

Dr. Frank Oomkes, University of Wageningen

Dr. Gerald Kranzler, University of Oregon

Dr. Gerald Phillips, Pennsylvania State University

Dr. Jules Zentner, UCLA

Dr. Manuel Selya,

Dr. Doris McCoy, and Ken Zugman, M.S.W.

Dr. Susan Glaser and Dr. Peter Glaser, University of Oregon

Dr. Waldo Phelps, UCLA

Elly, Dan, Mr. Aaron, and Sarah Wolf

George Manning, Allan Pease, and Fleming Mlback

Herb Dreyer, PJ Dempsey, and Nancy Sullivan

Jack and Myra Moskowitz

Jim and Sweety Nelson and Phillis Volpe

Joel, David, Michael, and Ellen Moskowitz

Mary Jane, Sandy Tompkins, and Lynn Glaser Sarah, Irwin, Roz, and Leanna Wolfe

Steve Farmer, MSW, and Nicole and Catherine Farmer

Dr. Doris McCoy

Merrill Kaplan

Thank You.

Alan Garner

C onversationally Speaking has become the most popular book in the world for teaching conversation skills. I have been helping people learn these skills for twenty years, and Im always delighted to see the big, positive changes that these skills make in their lives.

Most people think that some of us are born with the gift of gab and some of us arent. But the truth is that there is no gift of gab. People who are good at conversation just know a few simple skills that anyone can learn.

These skills are like tools. Imagine trying to hammer a nailwith a screwdriver. Or cutting woodwith a shovel. Very difficult. It would take you five times as long, and youd still end up doing a bad job. A screwdriver and a shovel simply arent the right tools. But, with the right toolsa hammer and a sawyou could do these jobs well and with very little effort.

The same is true for conversational tools and skills. You do the best you can with what skills you have, but the skills you have often arent right for the job. Consequently, you dont do nearly as well socially as you might.

Researchers in the fields of communication and psychology have identified several specific skills vital for social effectiveness. Further, they have found that these skills can be learned in a relatively short time. Unfortunately, these research findings have appeared, for the most part, only in academic journals, and the skills involved are taught at only a handful of universities.

I developed the Conversationally Speaking workshop and have written this book to fill in this gap and teach these skills in an interesting, straightforward, and nontechnical manner. The success of my efforts has far exceeded my expectations. Over 50,000 students have taken my workshop, and the public and professional response to this book has been continuous and growing. Further, the skills Im about to share with you have turned out to be just as valid in other languagesforeign editions with exotic-sounding titles like Samtaleteknik and Praten met plezier have become popular throughout the world.

One note of caution before we begin: Just as reading a book about skiing wont, by itself, make you a more skillful skier and reading a book about bodybuilding wont, by itself, improve your muscle tone, so simply reading this book wont do much for your social skills. Improving your social skills will take both reading and lots of consistent, dedicated practice. Read no more than one chapter per sitting, and begin using each skill immediately after you learn it. The last chapter will provide you with a workable way to structure your efforts, should you require it.

Ive enjoyed writing this book, and I think youll be excited to see how learning a few simple skills can produce big improvements in your social life.