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Acuff, Jonathan M.
Stuff Christians Like / Jonathan Acuff.
p. cm.
1. Christian life Anecdotes. 2. Wit and humor Religious aspects Christianity.
I. Title.
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.
Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982, by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from King James Version of the Bible.
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Stuff Jon Likes: Jenny.
If you buy this book, God will make you rich.
I was going to say, If you read this book, but Im pretty sure people who get it at the library wont receive the same amount of awesomeness as people who buy it.
So if youre standing in the bookstore right now, debating whether to buy this book, I guess the real question is, Do you like money?
And a really nice car?
And having a better marriage?
And polite children?
And two well-defined eyebrows?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, Im not sure why youre still on the fence.
Do you love Jesus? Me too. This book is for you.
Do you think we Christians are weird? Me too. This book is for you.
I guess what Im trying to say is that this book is for everyone. Everyone who has enough lettuce to support my shoe fetish. Im kidding; thats a Fergie lyric, not a reflection of my heart. I shouldnt even know she exists, never mind be quoting her song in a book published by the people who also publish the Bible.
To make it even easier to jump into Stuff Christians Like , I pulled five essays out to get you started. Take a look at them, but if youre standing in the Christian Inspiration section of the bookstore, please go read this by the magazines. Someone is going to witness to you if you stand by so many Bibles for too long.
RANKING HONEYMOON SEX SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST
Christians all over the world like the idea of Jesus coming back again, but only if theyve lost their virginity first.
And if thats you, if youre a Christian and youve never been married and had sex, let me first say, congratulations. You, my friend, are a unicorn of purity. Second, let me assure you that your expectations of what your honeymoon night is going to be like are probably pretty dead-on. I know deep down theres a part of you thinking, I am going to be so mad at Jesus if he comes back before I get to have sex.
Thats a fair thought; sex is pretty amazing.
Bear in mind that what you and I are saying is that the return of the Messiah is slightly less awesome than intercourse. (I used the word Messiah there just to kick the guilt up a notch or two.) If thats your expectation, if you are heralding your honeymoon night as outshining the return of Jesus in both magnificence and magnitude, I think youre going to be just fine.
Because thats pretty much exactly what its like.
Chances are, youll be one of those rare people who doesnt need to grow and nurture a marital sexual relationship over sixty years or so. (UghI just used the words sexual relationship and sixty years in the same sentence.) Youll instantly and spontaneously know exactly how to do whatever it is that your husband or wife is all about. Youll know all the right buttons to push and youll laugh, oh youll laugh at all those people who couldnt figure out the whole thing on the night of their wedding, one of their most physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting days ever. Suddenly all those wry Christian jokes about not caring about the destination or the weather because youll never be leaving the hotel room on your honeymoon will make sense, the sun will probably set in a beautiful kaleido-scope of pinks and oranges, and birds in palm trees will tweet out a Prince song. And two porpoises will continuously leap into the air, forming the shape of a heart, symbolizing two Christians becoming one.
That might happen.
I dont remember things being exactly that way on my own honeymoon.
But that might happen for you.
KEEPING CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS
Christians are very protective of their holidays. Just try to write a Christian a note referring to the Celebration of the Birth of their Savior as Xmas, and youll see what I mean. Or talk to their kids about Santachances are, by the time they can talk, they know that Santas not real and that Jesus is the Reason for the Season.
One year though, someone tried to test that theory by giving my family an Elf on the Shelf. If youre not familiar with that, its essentially a small elf doll that comes with a book. The book tells you that youre supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. Its magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular a few years ago and is probably continuing to sell well.
But as I started to think about the whole real meaning of Christmas debate, and the Is Santa bad? discussion youre almost required by law to have if youre a Christian, I started to wonder about that elf. He was just sitting there, with a smug look on his face, perched on the fireplace mantel, hovering over our nativity scene on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa-vs.-Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene
WISE MAN 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you ?
ELF ON THE SHELF: Hi! Im Elf on the Shelf.
WISE MAN 1: I can see that. Its right there on your box. But what are you doing here?
ELF ON THE SHELF: I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.
WISE MAN 1: That sentence is wrong on so many levels, I dont even know where to start. First of all, please help me understand what holiday cheer is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like pixie dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?
WISE MAN 2: Slow down, myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.
