Chapman - Now youre speaking my language: honest communication & deeper intimacy for a stronger marriage

Now You're Speaking My Language, Digital Edition

Based on Print Edition

2014 by Gary D. Chapman

All rights reserved

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-4336-8301-5

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Originally published as Covenant Marriage:

Building Communication and Intimacy

Dewey Decimal Classification: 306.81

Subject Heading: MARRIAGE

Unless otherwise stated all Scripture verses quoted are from the Holman Christian Standard Bible, Copyright 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 by Holman Bible Publishers, used by permission.

Other versions used include the Holy Bible, New International Version ( niv ), 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society; the New American Standard Bible ( nasb ), the Lockman Foundation, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, used by permission; the New King James Version ( nkjv ), 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers; and the King James Version ( kjv ).

I dedicate this book to

Karolyn,

with whom I have been building a covenant marriage
for more than four decades.

Introduction

I believe that when most couples get married, they anticipate a mutually loving, supportive, caring relationship. No couple gets married expecting to make each other miserable. When I married Karolyn I fully expected that we would work together as a team, encouraging and helping each other reach worthwhile objectives in life. We anticipated children somewhere in the future, and we intended to be responsible parents. Our two years of dating had been filled with excitement and anticipation. Bottom linewe expected to make each other happy.

However, six months after our wedding neither of us were very happy, nor were we doing very well at team work. Years later I discovered that we were not the only couple to experience the shattering of dreams on the walls of the reality of marriage. Yet, there are couples who have healthy marriages in which each encourages the other and they watch their dreams come true. Our problem was we did not have an instruction manual on how two people, who are very different, can learn to complement each other and build a mutually supportive marriage.

I am deeply grateful that eventually we found our way out of our confusing and frustrating years into the kind of marriage we both had wanted from the beginning. For over thirty-five years we have known the joy of helping each other reach our potential for God and good in the world. I have discovered nothing is more satisfying than helping your spouse become the person that God intended them to be, and to receive from your spouse that same kind of support. I am writing this book with the hope that it will help couples learn the lessons it took us so long to discover.

I like to picture marriage as a train running on two strong parallel tracks: communication and intimacy, with an engineer who is committed to taking the train to its destination. The engineer represents the biblical concept of covenant marriage. Many people have heard the word covenant but have no idea what it means. In the chapters that follow you will discover the difference between covenants and contracts, and how in a healthy marriage each have their proper place, but the fundamental concept is that marriage is a sacred covenant.

Once we understand and accept the idea that marriage is a covenant, then we can busy ourselves on learning how to communicate our thoughts, feelings, opinion, desires, frustrations, and dreams in a positive manner. As humans, we are each unique. That means that the thoughts and feelings that we experience will inevitably be different. When a husband expects his wife to agree with his thoughts and she expects him to agree with hers, they will be forever frustrated. We must first of all accept our humanity and allow each other the freedom to think and feel differently. Our objective is to utilize our differences as assets, rather than liabilities. Therefore, in the coming chapters you will discover the skills that I have sought to communicate in the counseling office to hundreds of couples.

The second track involves learning how to build intimacy in a marriage. It is easy to equate intimacy with sexual intercourse, but unless we build intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual intimacy, we may never find mutual sexual fulfillment. Intimacy is at the heart of marital satisfaction. It is the means by which we feel deeply connected to each other.

Intellectual intimacy requires the sharing of thoughts and ideas without fear of condemnation. Emotional intimacy implies the sharing of feelings, whether they are negative or positive. Social intimacy has to do with sharing lifes experiences. Spiritual intimacy has to do with sharing our spiritual journey. When these are in place they lead naturally to sexual intimacy.

This is not an academic book filled with theoretical ideas. It is, rather, a practical book on the nitty-gritty of how to create a positive emotional climate where open, honest communication can take place, which leads to understanding and united efforts.

To see the greatest impact on your marriage, I suggest reading each chapter, either together or individually, and then discussing the questions at the end of each chapter. If you follow this pattern, you will not only be reading about ideas that foster healthy communication and intimacy, you will actually be experiencing healthy communication and intimacy. My prayer is that whether you are newly married, or have been married for many years, this book will help you take steps toward seeing the fulfillment of your dreams.

CHAPTER 1

Communication: The Road to Intimacy

W hen divorced couples were asked, Why did your marriage fail? 86 percent said, Deficient communication. If that is true, then communication in marriage must be extremely important.

Communication involves self-revelation on the part of one individual and listening on the part of another. In its simplest form, communication is talking and listening; however, unless talking and listening are accompanied by honest, loving feedback on the part of the listener, little communication can take place. In fact, miscommunication and misunderstanding will probably be the results. In good marital communication the husband and wife each share thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, priorities, and judgments while the other listens sympathetically. Both partners share on the same open, honest level.

One of the main purposes of this book, of course, is to discuss some practical ways to enhance this processto get you speaking each others language.

Gods Divine Example

Gods communication to man is the model for our communication with each other. The Scriptures say that God has spoken to man in many ways throughout history. He has spoken through angels, visions, dreams, nature, creation, and, supremely, through His Son, Jesus Christ. All of this is recorded in the Bible. How did the Bible come into existence? Holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Spirit (2 Pet. 1:21 nkjv ). The result is that the Bible gives us words from God. Thus, we have the potential for knowing God because God has spoken. Yet we know there are many people who do not have a relationship with God because they have either not listened to His self-revelation or they have responded negatively and walked away to live alone. Thus, they have no relationship and no fellowship with God. There is no intimacy between them and the Creator.

On the other hand, for those who have accepted Christ, intimacy with Him is a matter of degree. It is obvious that some Christians are much closer to God than other Christians. The vehicle for gaining intimacy with God as a Christian is regular communication with God. We are to listen to God as he speaks to us through his Word, and we are to respond to God with our honest thoughts, feelings, and decisions. When God speaks, we listen to him. When we speak, God listens to us. Through this process over a period of time, an individual can have a growing intimacy with the God of the universe. There is nothing in life more important than this kind of relationship with God; it enhances all of life both here and hereafter.