Brown - Gracious How to Embody the Qualities of Charm, Tact, and Etiquette Which, Contrary to Popular Belief, Are Not Dead But Are in Danger! Plus Instructions on Bein

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2017 by Kelly Williams Brown

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Book design by Christina Gaugler

Illustrations by Kelly Williams Brown

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the publisher.

ISBN 9781623367978 paperback
ISBN 9781623367985 e-book

We inspire health, healing, happiness, and love in the world.
Starting with you.
RodaleWellness.com

To the Bloxom women

Georgia, GB, Elaine, Phyllis, Barbie, Olivia, and Elizabeth

Help us to be aware
Of the words we are called to speak,
Of the actions we are called to take part in,
Of the compassion we are called to offer
In a world so wounded, so in need.

PRAYER FOR MINDFULNESS

Always stay gracious;
best revenge is your paper.

BEYONC, FORMATION

Hello, gentle reader! I am so delighted youre hereor there, I suppose, in a bookstore or on your couch or squished in an airplane seat. More importantly, I hope you are well, that you are living in a world more lovely and kind than the one in which I write these words.

This world is... well... (deep breath) not always great, yall. Its not great. There is so much yelling at each other, and when were not yelling, its because were ignoring one another. Were more comfortable making constant, prolonged eye contact with our phones than with each other. Also, theres genocide; thats a thing we do, too.

If the world were a person, I might possibly even go so far as to drop the atomic bomb of Southern disapproval. Yall, I would say, lowering my voice and glancing around to make sure no one would overhear this verbal execution, you know what I think? I think its mamma didnt raise it right, and everyone would nod solemnly. The world would then be dead to us.

Humans are social animals, and sometimes we feel a collective emotion. Unfortunately, that emotion is more often fear or despair or loneliness in a room full of people and not, say, excitement that we (as humanity) are all going boating together this afternoon and Allyson is bringing enough cheese and Trader Joes prosciutto for all.

We knit back together at times, usually tragic, for a little while, then resume standard operating procedure: retreating from the humans around us and returning our gaze to our screens. Oh, I love a good screen. I do! Its embarrassing how much time I spend looking at them. My screens tell me about all the wonderful and terrible things that are happening in the world and to my closest friends, the achievements of people I barely know, the ugly things people are saying. In return, I tell my screens how angry I am, then smugly tally who agrees with me. Screens contain everything in the world, it seems (except what is actually physically around me), and, most importantly, I can use these screens to tell other screens about myself.

We dedicate so much time and energy to making sure the world is aware of uslook, heres a picture of my breakfast! I exist! Just a quick Snapchat to remind you that I am a human! Here are my thoughts on that stupid thing someone said on Twitter! I take up physical space and matter in the universe and my opinions matter, I like to think.

The world, per always, remains indifferent to us, and yet we take it so personally. And this bit of existential dissonance is reinforced constantly as we move through life indifferent to the humans around us.

We view the people right in front of us as lumbering obstacles preventing us from moving down a sidewalk; logistical and social traffic jam that must be dealt with on the way to the things that actually matter.

This, at least, is my default. While this interpretation of humanity may be, in some sense, technically correct, there is a difference between correct and true.

But heres the problem with that kind of thinking: Every human is just as human as you are. They, like you, wantperhaps even needto be acknowledged. They came from somewhere and are going somewhere, too. They did not begin existing at the moment you heard their stupid ringtone on the bus and the even more irritating conversation that followed. Nor will they cease to exist, dissolving like sidewalk chalk in the rain, once they are out of your earshot.

Though it is very (very) easy to assume otherwise, each person you will ever encounter is just as much in their own head as you are in yours. They, like you, have things like a favorite food, a lucky pencil, a childhood pet whose loss, to this day, still can give them a lump in their throat. They have a happiest moment of their life, that beautiful day or hour of perfection they keep wrapped and packed away in their mind. They, like you, pull out this memory to buffer themselves against present pain and distractions, to remember that things were once okay, better than okay, that they were once sublimely happy and may be again one day.

This person, this Other, who is not inside your head and will never understand what it means to live your life, has also experienced the worst day of their life. In fact, today might even be that day. How would you know?

All we can do is follow Kurt Vonneguts advice: Theres only one rule that I know of, babiesGod damn it, youve got to be kind.

Manners! Its a small, everyday word that encapsulates so terrifically much! Good manners encompass sincere compassion, kindness, and respectnot as something to be doled out when you feel like it or want to impress someone, but as your baseline. Bad manners consist of... well... as Ludwig Wittgenstein said, That which we cannot speak of, we must pass over in silence.

Occasionally, it comes in the form of big, grand gestures, but its true powerinternally and externallyexerts itself when you do it in small ways, consistently, every day. Kindness and good manners become your default, and if you practice them enough, they will.

So then why is this book called Gracious instead of Manners? Because while manners is a general term, graciousness implies the type of mannersand the outlook that supports and informs those mannersthat I believe could maybe, possibly, perhaps rescue us from the ugliness of the modern world. Graciousness, which is only in part about manners and etiquette, has a moral core; place settings are but a tiny flourish on an enormous, architecturally sound whole. Its assigning and extending humanity to everyone you meetcreating beauty where you can, showing love even, and