Cunningham Ted - From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness Can Transform Your Marriage

2009 Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Revell edition published 2014

ISBN 978-1-4412-2573-3

Previously published by Regal Books

Ebook edition originally created 2011

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Other versions used are:

CEVContemporary English Version . Copyright American Bible Society, 1995.

KJVKing James Version . Authorized King James Version.

THE MESSAGE Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE . Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson, 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

NAB Scripture taken from The New American Bible . Copyright 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Inc., Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

NCV Scriptures quoted from The Holy Bible, New Century Version , copyright 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee. Used by permission.

NLT Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation , copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

TLB Scripture quotations marked ( TLB ) are taken from The Living Bible , copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Note:The names of those mentioned throughout this book as well as some of the details of the stories have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals mentioned.

We would like to thank Roger Gibson for dreaming with us and making From Anger to Intimacy a reality. He serves as more than our literary agent; he is also a great friend.

Margaret Feinberg is much more than just a writer. She is a great collaborator with a journalistic style that draws the best out of us. Margaret is a servant and an incredible wordsmith.

A big thank you to Alex Field and Kim Bangs for leading this book from start to finish at Regal. They have been so encouraging and are a pure delight to work with.

Thank you, Regal and Gospel Light! Bill Greig III, you lead your team with excellence. Also, a big thanks goes to the team, including Deena Davis, Bill Denzel, Bruce Barbour, Mark Weising, Aly Hawkins and the marketing and sales teams at Regal Books!

We also want to say thank you to all of the staff at the Smalley Relationship Center. Day in and day out, you serve marriages around the world. Your hard work does not go unnoticed. Thank you.

Thank you, Norma Smalley, Terry Brown, Ron Cunningham, Bonnie Cunningham, Sue Parks and Roger Gibson for reading the manuscript and offering great insight.

The staff at Woodland Hills Community Church played a big part in this book. Ted Burden is my colleague and trusted friend. Bernard Bourque offered many valuable teaching insights. Pam Strayer transcribed, and Denise Bevins handled so many details of my life during the process. Richard Williams and Jim Brawner helped with the creative process. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

To all of our family and friends, many of whom have stories that fill these pages, we love you and owe you a debt of gratitude for the patience in this process.

It was a storybook wedding. The bride wore an elegant white dress. The groom donned a traditional black tuxedo. The bridesmaids strolled gracefully down the aisle. The flower girl and ring bearer were wide-eyed and earned coos and giggles from the crowd. The flowers were beautiful. The music played harmoniously. The candles added just the right hues to the backdrop of the ceremony.

The joy, elation and excitement of the day left Sabrina with an unmistakable glow. Within a few moments, she and Johnny had made the commitment to love, honor, cherish and respect each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death did them part.

But less than 36 months later, both Johnny and Sabrina were ready to break their covenant of marriage and file for divorce. How did something that began so perfectly grow into an unhealthy, hurtful relationship?

The transformation began shortly after the honeymoon. When the young couple walked into my office for counseling, I (Ted) remember sensing the pain, hurt and disappointment in their eyes as they began recounting their stories and interactions. Sabrina remembered one evening shortly after they were married:

Im going out tonight, honey, Johnny announced on his way out the door. Im hanging with the boys. Ill be home around midnight.

What do you mean you are going out tonight? Sabrina protested. I had a special meal planned.

Dont you remember last week, when I told you that Craig is hosting a Texas hold em tournament tonight? Johnny answered.

Yes, I remember you mentioning it, but I dont remember us making any decisions about it.

What are you my mother? Johnny snapped.

No, but I thought it would be cool if we hung out tonight, because were out every other night this week with work, church and my parents get-together.

Baby, I cant let the guys down. Theyre expecting me. Ill try to get home a little earlier, if that will make you happy.

Fine, Ill see you in the morning.

Now youre mad? Johnny asked.

Go!

With that, Johnny left the house. Six months later, the marriage was deteriorating on multiple levels. Sabrinas small annoying habits were growing too big for Johnny to overlook. Meanwhile, Johnnys lack of attention to detail or care for hygiene were becoming more than Sabrina could handle. Instead of talking to her husband, Sabrina spent long hours on the phone each night criticizing him. She picked on the way Johnny ate and belittled him for not doing more around the house.

One night, Sabrina was so fed up with Johnny that she went upstairs with a basket of freshly dried clothes that needed to be folded. She sat on the couch next to Johnny and picked up one article of clothing at a time. If it was her garment, she neatly folded and placed it on the floor next to the basket. If it was his, she threw it at him and said, Fold it your @#%& self!

The couples communication was nearly nonexistent, and both spouses were suffering. What began as irritation quickly ballooned into annoyance, which resulted in feelings of being disrespected, devalued and controlled. Anger filled their home.