Lombardy - Breaking bonds: how to divorce an abuser and heal: a survival guide

BREAKING BONDS

How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal

A Survival Guide

Rosemary Lombardy

Freedom Press

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

CONTENTS

PART TWO: THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reproduce lyrics to The Gambler, words and music by Don Schlitz. Copyright 1977 Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC. Copyright renewed. All rights administered by Sony/TV Music Publishing LLC, 124 Church Street, Suite 1200, Nashville, TN. 37219. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard LLC.

Copyright 2019 by Rosemary Lombardy

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher (except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review). Contact .

Freedom Press

www.breakingbonds.com

Book Layout Book Design Templates

Cover design by Gus Yoo

Editing and production by Stephanie Gunning

Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by schools, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher at info@breakingbonds.com.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018967020

Breaking Bonds/Rosemary Lombardy 1st ed.

ISBN: 978-1-7329918-2-8 (epub)

DEDICATION

To all who suffer from abuse.

INTRODUCTION

The need for change bulldozed a road
down the center of my mind.
MAYA ANGELOU

The decision to file for divorce is never easy. No one wants to admit that her marriage has failed, especially when children are involved. If a woman is married to an abusive man, the situation is much more complicated. There is the potential for an escalation of the abuse, which may include violence, as well as destructive and outrageous behavior and verbal harassment. If this is your situation, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children. Things will not get better if you stay. In fact, they will probably get progressively worse. I wrote Breaking Bonds to help you assess if a divorce is right for you, and then, once you decide that it is, to help you navigate the process of divorcing your abuser.

You cannot live your best life or fulfill your divine purpose while being subjected to the tyranny of abuse. You also cannot truly give your best to others while being subjected to marital abuse, whether its physical, mental, or emotional. No one else can change this awful situation for you. You must act while knowing in your heart of hearts that for some period of your life you gave your power away and must now take it back.

It is time to honor and protect yourself. You are worthy of being treated with dignity, kindness, and respect. You deserve to be loved, happy, and safe. So, resolve right now to stop letting someone victimize you. Decide that you are no longer going to be a victim. Choose not to live in fear and misery. If you are being abused, acknowledge that your husband is a sick and dangerous man who is causing you great harm, and then make whatever changes you deem necessary to protect yourself and change your circumstances.

By making these decisions and acting upon them, your life will improve greatly. As will the lives of your children. By standing up for yourself against abuse, you will give permission to your children to take care of themselves, and teach them to treat themselves and others with the dignity, kindness, love, and respect that they deserve. You, as their mother, are their first and greatest teacher. You are their role model. If you are unwilling to act merely out of regard for your own happiness, your responsibility for their young lives should give you reason enough to act.

For convenience, from now on I will assume that you have children rather than indicating that this may or may not be the case each time the issue comes up. Even so, I assure you that this book is for all women, not just for mothers. If you dont have children, simply ignore what doesnt apply to you and draw what is meaningful to you from the rest. Most of the information provided in this book will benefit every woman married to an abusive man.

Throughout Breaking Bonds, I am going to share my experiences as well as those of other women I know who have gone through a divorce. Not all were married to abusive men. Still, not one of them had an easy experience. Divorce is almost always adversarial. Learning from our mistakes and successes will be valuable to you.

WAITING FOR HERCULES

If you cant be a good example, then youll just
have to be a horrible warning.
CATHERINE AIRD

If I am going to accomplish what I intend to with this book, it is necessary for me to expose very personal and humiliating truths about my life in the pages of this book to help you avoid making some of the mistakes I made. You see, I am an independent, highly educated, and successful woman. For most of my career, I have earned an income well into the six figures. So, there are a lot of reasons I should have known better than to marry this man or than to have stayed married to him for so long. I should have noticed the signs while we were dating. I should have picked a better partner. I should have ended the relationship sooner. I should have stopped making excuses for his behavior. And yes, I should not have allowed my children to see him belittle me.

The list of my I should haves kept me stuck in misery for many long yearseven after we were divorced. And it was not necessary at all for me to do that to myself. My husband was the perpetrator of my abuse, and his behavior was awful. But I stayed, so I also did it to myself.

I refused to accept that I had no choice other than to end a bad marriage to save my children and myself. Years of being tormented without ceasing, like Prometheus chained to a rock and having his liver torn out by an eagle, only to have it grow back and be eaten again the next day, had destroyed my self-esteem. It took me over twenty-five years to realize that Hercules was not coming to my rescue.

One of my biggest mistakes was my unwillingness to accept sooner that my ex-husband was not sorry for the things he did and said, and was not willing or capable of change. I was in total denial of this fact because I wanted to believe that he was a better person than he really was. I also believed God wanted me to stay married, and that I needed to sacrifice my life for my children so that they wouldnt grow up in a broken home. That idea was stupid. Well meaning, but stupid.

That does not mean that I am stupid, no matter what my ex-husband says.

Neither are you.

Stop waiting for Hercules.

TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH

The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. Its a choice you makenot just on your wedding day, but over and over againand that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.
BARBARA DE ANGELIS

God calls many of us to marriage, with all its beautiful promises of sharing, caring, and intimacy, unconditional love, and the joyful messiness of daily living. Ideally, this includes overlooking small flaws and quirks in your partner, tenderness, demonstrations of respect, and speaking kindly. Despite my experience, to this day I still think this is how marriage should be.

If you are reading this, then it is likely you are in deep pain. There is almost nothing worse than being abused and disrespected as a human being by a man who has promised to love and cherish you for the rest of your lives. That he would treat the mother of his children in this way is no reflection on your value as a person. You may be confused because your husband is not always abusive to you and he almost always seems normal and nice to others outside the home. Sometimes he is even nice to you, making you hope that things are getting better. But then he explodes again and again in private for no apparent reason. A better life awaits you once you accept the reality that your relationship is not working.