John Reilly - The Gentlemans Divorce Survival Guide

Copyright 2019 by John Reilly

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotation in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing, 2019

ISBN 978-1-54398-576-4 (print)
ISBN 978-1-54398-577-1 (eBook)

John Reilly
201 East Ridgewood Avenue
Suite 2
Ridgewood, NJ 07450

clinicalconsultationservices@gmail.com

Contents

Introduction

This is not a long, drawn out book on divorce. There are no daily affirmations or false promises. Its a book written by a guy for guysspecifically, guys going through divorce.

Lets face it: between work, completing the endless divorce-related paperwork and trying to have some fun in life, you probably dont have the desire or time to read a big book on this or any other topic. What you need are some common sense tips to help you through this process by someone who has been through it someone who has counseled other divorcing guys and who understands that, left unchecked, a mans normal competitive impulses and drives will do nothing but prolong this process.

Thats rightwe are the usually the culprits when it comes to dragging out divorce proceedings because we just keep getting in our own way. Were men, and a mans natural instincts dont serve him well in this arena. Men are taught from an early age that winning is not everything, its the only thing. Winning, aggression, conquest and confrontation are normative aspects of being a man in our society.

While these might be imperative in other areas of your life, they are detrimental when going through a divorce. In a divorce, the man does not win; in fact, no one really wins but the human need to come out the victor is in play. Thats not what its about. Therefore, most men have to learn to do the unthinkableplay for the tie. If you try to win you will simply lose to your ex-wife and pay the lawyers more money than you want (or have to). But you can have a better outcome, and thats the reason for my writing this book.

Accepting the feeling of powerlessness over certain things is as important as knowing where you do have control, and what you can control is how you react (and act). You do have a choice.

If you are at the unenviable place where divorce is imminent, be prepared; there is difficulty ahead but the end is in sight. What you will learn in this guide will help you get thereperhaps a little bruised but intact. This isnt an exhaustive work on the subject of divorce; it is simply one guys advice and reflections based on experience.

With that in mind, the following pages will offer helpful ideas meant to benefit fathers and husbands who are going through a divorce. Some may sound contrary to your normal instincts because they are. However, if you at least consider some of these concepts and accept some into your process, youll come out ahead in ways that truly matter.

Theres no question that divorce really hurts emotionally, financially and any other way you can come up with. There is no way around it. Through this guide I hope to minimize the damage you endure and prepare you better for your future.

I am not offering legal advice, just suggestions of a mindset. So please be sure to consult an attorney. You dont want to go this alone and each persons circumstances are unique and need good legal guidance.

My Story

It was 2001. It was the new millennium, and my wife and I were celebrating a newly renovated home and our sons second birthday. We had even been discussing having another baby. Then things went bad in a hurry.

In all honesty, hindsight showed that the trappings of a happy life served to cover up a relationship that had its foundation built on sand. It was the eventual acceptance of our poor foundation that helped me realize that in many ways we were both to blame in the breakup of our marriage. That is a very important precept.

When divorce became inevitable I was struck by the absurdity of the whole process. There I was, wishing ill on my former beloved who just a few years prior I was vowing til death do us part. Now I was in a battle to avoid the other vow, for richer or poorer; I didnt want her rich and me poor.

Life has a way of being unpredictable. Life also has its way of giving us second chances. I realized very quickly that this was mine and I was relieved by that idea. This is not to say that at times I didnt feel like a failure but things are never black and white. Yes, my marriage failed but I was determined to make the most out of a bad situation.

I can say that I have a great relationship with my son and a good relationship with his mom. My relationship with her is friendly and well focused on what is best for our child. I worked very hard to make the situation what it is today. Remember this: your ex-wife is the mother of your child or children, and I suggest viewing her in that light rather than as the emotionally negative ex. You will be involved with her for the rest of your life, in some form, so try not to do anything so bad that it will put undue strain going forward. There will already be enough natural awkwardness even if things go well.

I have been a psychotherapist in private practice and executive director for a private school for many years. As a professional, I have watched countless lives ruined by spouses refusing to let go of the anger. I believe this dysfunctional behavior is one way the couple stays attached (however painfully) and is also a way to try to punish each other. Forgiveness and letting go of anger are imperative to truly being divorced and moving on. This is not to say you must also forget; sometimes forgetting is dangerous if the other person cannot be trusted. Forgetting also keeps us from remembering important life lessons we should learn through the pain of divorce.

Youre Never Really Prepared but You Will Survive

I prepared for writing this book by going through a divorce and then wrote about it because of my experience. That doesnt make me an expert; it just makes me a survivor.

To state the obvious, divorce is a time of a lot of ups and downs that you cannot prepare for. I thought by my mid-30s I would have had a lot of life experiences from which to draw on to help me get through it, but there werent. While I did get through it, it wasnt because of past experiences but how I dealt with the new ones.

Most of what we as men have learned in life does not prepare us for doing what is necessary to get through a divorce with as little damage as possible. As a matter of fact, our God-given impulse to play to win really gets in the way. If you havent figured it out yet, in divorce winning as you know it is not an option.

Ive broken these up in loose categories such as money matters, attorneys, ex- wife warfare, and the kids. Lets start with a few of the most difficult issues firstbasically, trying not to win and getting out of the way.