Salmansohn - Bounce Back!: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity

Bounce Back

How to thrive in the face of adversity

WORKMAN PUBLISHING NEW YORK

Contents

Introduction

The Vortex, I call it.

Everyone has one in their life (at least one)a time when you are tested in seemingly insurmountable ways and things continue to go wrong, and you spiral uncontrollably downward.

Maybe your Vortex was when you were and a parent suddenly died.

Or and you found out your sister had breast cancer and you got fired, both in the same month.

Or and discovering you could not have a child.

Or and going through a divorce.

Or and happily retiring, only to discover playing golf all day was a formula for depression.

My Vortex lasted about a year, during which time so many bad things happened, I kept waiting for a Candid Camera crew to appear from behind the planter in my living room. First, the real estate broker, real estate lawyer, and moving company I hired found sneaky ways to rip me off. Next, a longtime business buddy hired me to package new groovy chocolate bars, then never paid me.

But those were nothing compared to the lowest point in my Vortex: a sexual assaultwhich came out of nowhereby someone I knew as an acquaintance. As soon as I managed to get free and far away from my assaulter, I called my close friend Eric Gertler, an ex-boyfriend and ex-lawyer. I figured because he knew both the law and me intimately, hed be a wise adviser. We met at our regular caf. I was in tears.

How could someone be so...so...so evil? I asked. People arent evil. Theyre weak, said Eric. Weak? This word somehow calmed me.

Later when I tried to understand why I preferred the word weak to the word evil, I realized that weakness meant there was at least hope for change in someone whod done something eviland most importantly, hope for me to find a way out of my Vortex by choosing not to be weak myself.

Thats when it hit me. In life, you always have a choice. Be weak or be strong.

Whichever of these paths you choose will determine your ability to bounce back from lifes myriad setbacks, crises, or traumas. If you want to survive lifes many challenges, you must put in the conscious effort and discipline to be a strong person. Its essential you create a fiery will from withinharness that power of decisivenessand choose to be your strongest self.

I realize that its easier to lounge around in depression and angst than to rise above challenging circumstances. Believe me, I know because at first I chose to follow this weaker path.

Initially I was totally traumatized by my sexual assault. I started experiencing anxiety around people. If Id be writing in a caf and a stranger chatted me up, my left eye would twitch. And no, it wasnt the caffeine. (Trust me. Im a pro at espresso. And Im a pro at casual conversation with strangers.)

Basically, after the assault my automatic tendency was to keep all people at a distance. I had trouble trusting anyone. Even people Id known for years. After all, Id witnessed how people could change in a moment. And so I pretty much became paranoid about everyone I came into contact with. Especially men.

Then I gained weight poundswhich is a ton on my 5-foot-3 frame. Maybe subconsciously I figured there was safety in creating a big wad of fat between me and mens sexual urges. It was easy to gain weight. I had all this chocolate around my apartment from the nonpaying chocolate business buddy. He was a bad businessman, but he made some damn good chocolate!

Soon enough, this upward weight gain created a further downward emotional spiral. I began feeling bummed about my bigger bum, which further increased my yearning to stay inside away from people and close to my chocolate bars.

I was a self-help author! Why couldnt I help myself get through this? Sometimes, when I saw the growing discrepancy between who I was and how I was behaving, Id mutter to myself in a kind of mock-voiceover: Behind the scenes of the self-help book author... as I unwrapped another chocolate bar.

Honestly, I was surprised Id chosen this weaker path of chocolate and withdrawal into solitude.

Ive always thought of myself as a very strong person, as have those who know me well. My friend David once introduced me at a party as This is Karen. Shes a doer. Most of my friends see me as disciplined and spirited. In my heart I believed this disciplined and spirited me was the real me. Yet if I wasnt being disciplined and spirited during a crisis, was I truly this me or somebody else entirely? I pondered this more and eventually realized:

Who you truly are as a person is best revealed by who you are during times of conflict and crisis.

Its easy to be your strongest, highest self when things are rolling along smoothly. But how you handle lifes setbacks and traumas reveals your authentic character. If you can be strong during challenging times, then...well, you truly ARE a disciplined and spirited person. And this identity makes you not only a very cool person but a very happy person.

Just as it takes willpower to choose to stay on a healthy diet during times of great temptation, it also takes willpower to choose to remain a positive and happy human being during times of crisis. Basically, to live a happy lifewith all of lifes multiple challengestakes effort and work. Happiness is not for namby-pambies! For this reason, you need to develop a long-term vision for what you uniquely valuewhat you know makes you the happiestso you can stay focused on these values, no matter what your trials and tribulations.

I know what I value: I need to feel loving, loved, creatively charged, healthy, sexy, self-confident, and as if I am continuously growing. (Note: not in thighs but in mind and spirit!) I also know: Life is constantly testing our ability to feel those things.

Actually, if there were a single instructional goal for living your best life it might be Keep your eye on the prize of happiness, even when caught in the eye of the stormor Vortex.

Guess what else? Lucky unlucky us: Often the greatest happiness in life comes from going through a crisisand growing into a stronger, better person. In fact, Aristotle, one of my favorite philosophers, wrote in great detail about how true happiness does not come from experiencing pleasures of the body and ego but from having experiences that stimulate your core selfyour soulchallenging and inspiring you to grow into your highest potential as a person.

You know how sharks need to keep on moving to stay alive? We humans need to consciously keep on moving forward emotionally if we want to keep our spirits aliveor else our spirits will fizzle and fade. Basically, youre either growing into a bigger, better person or shrinking into a lowly, bitter person. And by growing, I dont mean simply reading lots of self-help books, doing yoga, eating granola bars, and having highfalutin, ego-tootin intellectual conversations.

Theres an old expression: There are those who know where it is, they just dont know WHAT it is. It doesnt matter how many books you read or meditation classes you take if youre only going through the motions without experiencing true inner growth.