Russ Harris - When Life Hits Hard: How to Transcend Grief, Crisis, and Loss with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

This book will be a vital companion for anyone struggling with the pain of loss. It offers hope and a solid, evidence-based pathway through lifes hardships. Russ Harris writes from the heart with a wonderful balance of wisdom and gentleness, translating key processes from the latest behavioral science into everyday language and practical tools. Youll learn how to embrace your pain with courage and compassion, and how to live well and thrive in the face of adversity. I cannot recommend this book enough and I will be encouraging my clients, relatives, and friends to get a copy.

Mike Sinclair, DPSych , clinical director at City Psychology Group, and coauthor of Mindfulness for Busy People , The Little ACT Workbook , The Little Depression Workbook , and The Little Anxiety Workbook

Russ Harris is a master of helping us apply the life-changing power of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) in our day-to-day lives, and When Life Hits Hard is no exception. This clear, well-written, and timely book gently guides us to a deep understanding of how to work effectively with lifes most difficult experiences. Lots of us are struggling right now. Filled with clear explanations, real-world vignettes, and pragmatic suggestions, this book will help .

Russell Kolts, PhD , professor at Eastern Washington University, and author of CFT Made Simple and The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger

This book is a true gem. Not only is it packed with practical and manageable suggestions on how to cope with crisis, loss, and grief; it takes you through an easy-to-read, at times deeply personal, down-to-earth, compassionate, and loving journey too. Read this book. You are going to need it when life hits hard.

Rikke Kjelgaard , psychologist, author, and ACT trainer

When Life Hits Hard is a lovely book for clients and clinicians alike. Harriss writing voice conveys deep empathy and compassion for the universal pain and suffering that comes with being human, and offers simple, patient, and practical tools to help guide the reader along in whatever difficult journey he or she may be travelling.

Susan M. McCurry, PhD , author of When a Family Member Has Dementia , and research professor at the University of Washington School of Nursing

Personal and practical, When Life Hits Hard offers concrete, science-based strategies to help you navigate lifes most turbulent watersand does so in a way that is approachable and heartfelt. Reading it is like getting advice from your wisest, most down-to-earth friend if that friend also happened to have a PhD in coping with grief and loss. While nothing may be able to prepare us for lifes most painful losses and identity-shattering events, there are things that can help guide us through the aftermaththis book is definitely one of them.

Jenna LeJeune, PhD , licensed psychologist, affiliate faculty at Oregon Health and Sciences University, and coauthor of Values in Therapy

Its a difficult thing to communicate complex ideas in a way that people can easily understand and relate to. Its particularly difficult when addressing a subject as significant as grief and loss. Russ Harris is an author who has this ability in spades, and he covers how to manage some of the most painful experiences we can have in his usual accessible style. This book is refreshingly honest and validating about the pain of loss, as well as being very useful in offering an evidence-based set of tools for charting a way through that pain.

Richard Bennett, ClinPsyD , clinical psychologist, lecturer in the Centre for Applied Psychology at the University of Birmingham, and coauthor of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Self-Esteem

When Life Hits Hard is a vital resourcea practical book for those who wish to rebuild a meaningful life after devastating loss, illuminated by Russs warm and friendly voice. First, Russ will show you how to gradually learn to deal more effectively with loss in a way that is as effective as it is counterintuitive: unhooking from unhelpful thoughts and making kind space for painful emotions. Next, Russ will show you how to rebuild a valued lifea life richer in depth and meaningwhich stands as a living monument to what most matters to you and yours.

Benjamin Schoendorff, MA, MSc , director of the Contextual Psychology Institute in Montreal, QC, Canada; coeditor of The ACT Matrix ; and coauthor of The ACT Practitioners Guide to the Science of Compassion

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS is a registered trademark of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2021 by Russ Harris

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer

Edited by Jean Blomquist

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Harris, Russ, 1966- author.

Title: When life hits hard : how to transcend grief, crisis, and loss with acceptance and commitment therapy / Russ Harris.

Description: Oakland : New Harbinger Publications, 2021.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021005093 | ISBN 9781684039012 (trade paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Grief. | Loss (Psychology) | Acceptance and commitment therapy.

Classification: LCC BF575.G7 H3727 2021 | DDC 155.9/37--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021005093

To my only child. When I wrote the original Australian version of this book, you were only five years old; and now, as I write this new version, you are a young man of fourteen. You have been, by far, my greatest teacher. Thank you for teaching me so much about living and loving, for helping me to grow and develop, for bringing so much joy and love into my life. I love you more than words can ever express.

Contents

Part ONE:

Regroup

1.

When Life Hurts

Nothing prepares us for those huge and painful losses that tear our world apart: the death of a loved one; the loss of our health and independence through illness or injury; the loss of an intimate relationship through divorce, separation, or breakup; the loss of employmentand with it, status and wealth. And theres the loss of security, confidence, or well-being that usually follows our primary loss. Sometimes we experience several losses at once, especially when we experience life-shattering events such as violent crime, freak accidents, unexpected death, bankruptcy, warfare, fire, flood, earthquake, pandemic, and so on. We all fear such losses and try to avoid them, but sooner or later, if we live long enough, we all have them.

And one things for sure: the bigger the loss, the greater our pain. Depending on the nature and extent of our loss, we may experience shock, sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, dread, guilt, shameperhaps even hatred, despair, or disgust. Sometimes the pain is so intense, so unbearable, that our nervous system takes over, switches off our feelings, and leaves us feeling numb, empty, or dead inside.

We often recover fairly quickly from minor losses, but major loss usually results in a crisis: a time of intense difficulty and uncertainty when were dealing with something awful over which we have little control. (This is especially likely with those life-crushing, soul-destroying events that psychologists refer to as trauma.) At the same time, or very soon thereafter, comes grief. Contrary to popular belief, grief is not sadness; its not an emotion at all. Grief is a psychological process of reacting to any significant loss. When we grieve, we may feel emotions ranging from sadness and anxiety to anger and guilt, as well as physical reactions such as sleep disturbance, fatigue, lethargy, apathy, and changes in appetite.